New Bedrooms

After we moved the girls room just never look coozy. It was a little blah; not very inviting for two little girls. We had bought new "bed tents" that were Disney that turned out to be the worst investment ever. They were both broken from the start. They also made the girls room look messy. So off to Fredmeyer's 40% off sale. New rugs, lamps, and netting all on sale I might add... (Got to love my sale shopping Momma) So with a lot of help from mom and a few hours the girls room was transformed. They loved it.  We also did Eli's room and now you can see on top of every surface. We rearranged Eli's room so he could have Sean's old desk. He was so proud of himself and happier than happy to get to show Sean all of his hard work.

As for me; I am off to get my new wig fitted. I caved after three women at Mcdonald's told me how sorry they were for me. After that I went straight to the wig shop and bought a new wig. I believe I am comfortable enough with myself not to wear one however, not so much with the rest of the world. It was like being pregnant and everyone wanting to touch you. UCKK! Lets hope it goes well! I will let ya know I am sure.

INVITATION

If you are a dreamer, come in, 

If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a lair

A hope-er, a pray-er a magic bean buyer...

If you're a pretender, come site by my fire

For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.

Come in! 

Come in!

 

      Here is our adventure. A chance to really change. A chance to make a difference. A time to show pure courage. Here is the time I stop sitting back believing that the tapestry is already woven. This is the time to take back the power. Trust things that have never been trusted. Hope that this trail will save many lives. It is time to be courageous because, just letting go required some but, this requires more. 

     First, I just need to make it through this week. Make it through a week of less the plenty sleep, not a lot of food, and a lot of tears. This week I will mourn what we planned to be my destiny and celebrate what ever tomorrow holds. It is very possible that the outcome will not change; but all I need is the power of one thought. Mine: the power of positive. 

     Second, back to organic. 

Hair

(After the shaving process for the shower)

   

Feeling raw, exposed, and sometimes powerless in the face of cancer today. I know its just hair. I know I have been facing this for a long time now but, watching my hair fall to the ground made my heart sink. Made me feel alone again powerless to cancer. I would have never been able to believe that something you couldn't see would make you feel so defeated. Even though, I know I am  no more defeated today than I was yesterday and in reality I am taking control back with this experimental trail.  Watching Sean so carefully shave my head; making small gestures of encouragement about how "cute" my new non-hair was; was terrifying. Wondering if Sean would still find me cute, attractive, or anything after the last pieces of hair fell.
    It is strange to look at yourself and see a completely different person staring back. You are stripped of a piece of your idenity. It is part of how you see your self. How other view you. Everyone suddenly knows you have cancer. I have chosen to wear my hair really short in the past but, having to shave it is a different experience. It wasn't a fashion choice it was demoralizing. I feel naked in front of the world at my weakest point in some ways. Before I could always say... Hey, at least I still have my hair. Now not so sure what my line is going to be; maybe Hey, I am still alive? Doesn't have the same ring to it does it? I do not think I will be using it.  No tag line it is. 
    Today ran by pretty slowly. I had moments of feeling inpowered by my choices even bold in my new style. I went wig shopping today but, couldn't bring myself to spend 310 dollars on a wig. Am I really that vain? I have never felt vain before. Do I need a wig to feel pretty? I am not sure today. I ran away from the door bell when it rang today because I didn't want one of the kids friends to see me with out hair. Dakota and Corbynn both expressed a wish for me to go find a wig. 
Corbynn "Okay mom, when are you going to put a wig on? You're looking pretty silly."
Me " Do I really need a wig?"
Corbynn "I think you might scare people"
Me "okay"


An hour later Koda gets home from school.


Dakota " mom your hair is gone" 
Me " yep, new day new doo"
Dakota " It looks nice"
Me " Really!?" hopeful smile
Dakota "no not really mom sorry I still love you though"


My heart dropped through the floor. I know I have been talking a lot about honesty over the last few weeks but, maybe I need to talk more about being considerate of others. 


I am surprised at how attached I am to my hair.
I am surprised at how real cancer feels again. 
I am scared to have people see me so vulnerable. 
I am humbled. 
I am nervous. 
I am hopeful that this will lead to a result.
I am afraid it won't again.
I am proud to be me still.
I want to feel sexy again. (I know, but fuck give me a break)
I need to find someone that shapes eyebrows amazingly because mine needs some work.
I am excited to be able to recreate "me" again.
I am in love.

Sean in actrion

Sean in action

Trying to get my hair  cleaned up a bit.

Mom doing the finished touches

The Longest Road

I feel like I have walked the longest road this year. Thoughts and memories have been my year. I spent most of the year trying to live as much as I could. Trying to find myself under all the levels of pain that had taken over my life. I have never known how to grieve; I tabled those feeling deep inside and acted like they were never there. I never grieved the death of my first love, the loss of my innocence, my failed marriage, and then fatal cancer. By the time I had cancer I had enough grief, regrets ,and  life tabled that I was not even a person. I had no love for myself or anyone else. I made mistakes that hurt people badly because, I couldn't come to terms with my own life. I feel sorry for the pain I caused during those years.  
    I spent 8 years of my life running from myself and the pain I was holding. I could not look in a mirror because I hated what I saw. After my first love died; I ran from that into a marriage that I forced because I was not whole inside. I thought having someone in my life would make me whole. When it didn't, I hated Matt for it. I blamed him for not making me whole. I can see that now; then I was just hurt.  I hated that I still felt empty inside even after the birth of my first child. When postpartum depression set in I plummeted into some of the darkest places of my mind. I thought that maybe another child would solve my pain. I thought that by keeping my "white picket fence" whole I would make my past go away. I thought that I could just become a mother and keep the demons away. I never was emotionally available to my husband or my children. I couldn't connect to anyone.  I lost my marriage, my friends, and never truly bonded with my children.
     I found out I had cancer in the mix of everything and again I found a way to hide. I ran and this time I ran out of state. I packed up my children and left for Utah. I knew I had to face cancer but, I did not have to let anyone else be there. I hid in Utah not giving any information to my family and friends. I disappeared into a new reality with new friends. I didn't tell people about my past and thought that once again I had managed to run away from my self. When my cancer finally was considered terminal every wall I built tumbled and new ones built out of no where.
   I moved home believing that my walls had been demolished. I started taking my parents to my medical procedures. They waited in the waiting room as pieces of me were taken. I thought for sure I had found myself. No the reality of it is that every wall that pre-dated cancer was still there. I had not let go of all the old fears. I could not allowing anyone close enough to see me because what if they saw a monster? It has been a slow process moving through the pain of the past. Letting go of the suicide of Mike was the hardest thing I have ever done. It is hard to believe that one part of your life can cause such a ripple in your life.
   I know that dying is not just a possibility in my life it is a truth. It is a truth in anyone's life. I live with the pain of cancer everyday. I see my own life draining some days, but I know that today is not that day. I do not know when that day will come. I know that I will not spend that time lost in a fog that latest 8 years and prevented me from loving anyone even myself.
  This last year has reopened my soul. It has taken everything out of my; then gave me back a person who I haven't seen since I was a teenager. It has been hard to wake up every day and live in the present. Feeling everything is harder than I had ever expected. It will never be as hard as hiding behind my walls though.
   So, many people opened my heart helped me see again. I could not have done it without Jim. Who was my honest, trusting, compelling counselor. Who fought with me to see my walls. Who was there to help me cry. Who helped me see me for who I am now not who I was running from. Was always there to cheer me one when things were rough. He was my safety blanket in so many storms. I never had to hide there.
 My mother kept by my side while making funeral plans, finishing up wills, getting my things in order in case the end came fast. She continues to be my rock and my best friend. I can not imagine my life without the strength of my mom. She has always been an example to look up to. 
   Chris took me out of my box and gave me adventure that I had never experienced. He showed me true friendship. We went places that I had never seen. Helped me trust my body again. Showed me the I was still strong. He gave me the choice to just be me with out cancer; I love him for that.
   Sean came out of no where and stretched my life in ways I can not explain. I have always had an active dating life. I have never been much of a relationship person due all life's difficulties that made me believe that maintaining a relationship would be hard for everyone. That letting someone into my world was just going to lead to pain. I felt safe with Sean from the first moment I met him. He had a way of making everything okay. He looked at everything from a positive view and never judged me. He understood that everyone makes mistakes and was always open to talking about his own mistakes and depression. Sean made being "just me" a good thing. I am grateful to have him in my life.
   Last year carried a lot of darkness and once in a while I still feel the empty darkness inside but, for the most part my personal sky-light is shinning right on through my past. I am blessed to have these months or years to feel truly alive.

Monkey

 My youngest child has a way of out shinning anything in the room. Corbynn is the "sun" in our home whether we like it or not. For the most part our world revolves around her. It can either be wonderful or absolutely horrible. Depending on if the "red head" is involved.  
    When Corbynn was born everyone knew she was going to be a hand full. She came into this world with a lot on her little mind. Corbynn was 6 to 8 weeks early as far as they cold tell. She spent her first two weeks in ICU because she was breathing at a incredible 130 breaths a minute. They doctors waited and waited thinking she would become weak from breathing so hard. They believed they would have to stick a tube in her to help her breathe. Corbynn never did give up she fought her battle and won. She was 4lbs and LOUD. That has never really stopped. She has always wanted to have a say in what is happening around her.
   We have always been stopped in stores by people wanting to talk about her amazing red hair or her contagious smile. Everyone has always said she should be a child model and if it wasn't for her red head attitude she may have been able to do that.
    I am always amazed by how smart she has become. She has grown up so much over the last few months. I always saw her as my baby. I never wanted her to grow up. She was and will always be my baby. I feel connected to her in ways that I can not even explain. She has so much of my personality built into her. Corbynns reactions are so much like mine pure emotion. She is EMOTION. She cried last night at dinner because she did not know what we were having and ran away from the dinner table because it didn't look good. When she is happy you can't miss it. Corbynn shows her love in ways that are truly hers. Offering her prized stuffed animals while you are sick.
    I have spent the last two years fighting life. I haven't been able to commit mentally to my little ones. I carry many guilt's over this. I spent the last year trying to experience my life. Seeing new things meeting new people. Preparing for my final days. I was gone a lot trying to find myself before I was no more. I learned  a lot about myself this summer. I learned about who I wanted to be for the rest of my life. I wanted to be a amazing parent to my children. I wanted my legacy to live through their action; I had to find a way to help them understand me. I set out to spend as much time as possible with the girls and I found out that they are what makes me a better person. I am learning to teach by example and I will continue to make myself better for my children.

Our newest memeber

Welcome Stella!

Stella came home with us the day after Christmas. We had been looking for a little one with no luck for a couple of months. Unsure of what we wanted and with out being able to fully agree. I love big furry dogs malimutes, St. Benards, and Huskies you can imagine my fear when my love told me he liked sleek dogs. What? Oh no! I don't want one of those. I need a smushie faced dog if I can not have a large furry cuddly dog. If you do not know what a smushie faced dog looks like think Boxer or any other cute animal that doesn't have much of a face. We settled on either him giving in or me giving in on what kind of a dog we would end up with. The only dog we could agree upon was a Boston Terrier. Who knew that Boston's are hard to find here in Boise, Id. I looked and looked and looked only to be met with the fact that we were going to have to go to Portland to pick up dog and pay 1000 dollars for a pet. 

   I was on craigs list the day after x-mass and there at the top of the list was two year old Stella. There wasn't much to the add other than saying that she may or may not like little ones under 6. We took a chance and bought her the same day. Turns out she is wonderful with everyone including babies. She has so much personality; you can always tell when she is upset, playful, tired or just plain mad at you. Her eyes are very expressive and she seems to know how to tell you what she wants. Other than hating the cold she seems to be just fine. 

    I have always been a pet person. I have loved having a pet to comfort me when I am down or sick. Something about a friend that can not talk back makes me feel wonderful. The endless love you recieve and get to give makes it all worth it. (even the occiational messes) She has made this house really feel like my own home.  I was having trouble feeling connected to my new house. I could not seem to find my "spot". I was feeling very out of place, nervous, and unsure. Stella came home and I think we made this place our home together. She is my house sidekick! I love her to pieces. 

 

Making a home.

  

  I have never been your Betty Crocker type of girl; I have always been your cocktail kind of girl. I have never thought of myself in a little house with a wrap around porch and a white picket fence. I have found my own personal white picket fence.
    I find myself in the kitchen cooking away often. I have looked up more reciepes in the last month than in a lifetime. Not to mention I have enjoyed every moment of it. I cooked prime rib the other night so well that it could have come straight from the kitchen of some talented person. I found a piece of peace while rubbing down the prime-rib with salt and herbs. I was warmed by watching my family eat a meal that did not come from a box. I went to bed happy that I had provided a service to my family. Brought them together around a table for dinner. I found a sense of pride for being able to make dinner with out setting the house on fire. 
      I have been suffering from homebody syndrome as of lately. I feel completely content to work on my many projects happening around our home. I am sure part of this has to do with my melencoly feeling that has been trying to creep into my days. I am slowly mourning my friend and as always when one goes I tend to mourn them all. When you live a life where cancer is a large part of it. You seem to begin to have lots of friends who have cancer. So you can imagine when most of your friends have cancer you lose a few along the road. Most of the loses I have seen have come far to young; all of them have carried amazing stories of living to the grave. All of them have taught me about myself about love, nurturing, and about moments. People who are dying know how to experience moments; everyone should know how. (it feels wonderful to experience)
         I am watching Sean put together a shelf system to lay in the girls closet to organize their toys. He always looks amazing while he is working on anything. Concentrating and making ajustments. He may be the only man that is sexy in a flannel and torn jeans. It is in these moments when I don't know if he should be sexy that I feel the need to grab him. These are the moments when I look forward to crawling into bed and being held until the morning comes. 
        Have you ever heard old people speak of love? The generation that was married within thirty day and never got divorced? Have you ever talked of the moment they knew? I have spent lots of time with the older generation talking about courting; they always say the same thing. "I knew within days that I was going to be with that person forever. I committed to it and never let it go" None of them say it came with out hardships but, they all say they had known many before that moment and never picked until they found "it". Most of them were still in love up until the grave and after. I am lucky to have someone that makes me feel like forever should be a very long time.