Microwave.

I went and recieved my weekly brain microwaving this morning bright and early. So, if this post is a little off it is because I am a little of this morning. My brain is more like a scrambled egg than a functioning piece of tissue. I am shaky and every time I move it feels jerky. I  am not sure why but, that is what is going on today. However, I received the best news I have received since starting this cancer adventure. I had a 15% REDUCTION in my brain tumor. This by no mean means that I am out of the woods but, it means that yes this brain tumor is responding to treatment for the first time in three years. 
    I don't know if I can express in words how I feel today. I can continue to dream about my future with out it being completely out of reach. I can plan trips for next year not just next month. I can imagine re-doing my kitchen in five years. I can talk to Sean about our investment plans. I can being to start re-building my in hopes that I will continue to have one. This is something that most people take for granted the right to plan. I haven't been able to plan anything in years and I am gratefully for the chance. I am grateful that I have a chance at seeing my kids grow. I am grateful that I may have more time to impact the world. I am grateful that I may be able to use my schooling to help other people. I am a blessed to have this opportunity to live out my life.
   I feel in awe right now. I know that is still new and there are many risks still. That this treatment is dangerous; it is unknown and the brain is a scary place to mess around with. We still know very little about our brains so anything that you do there comes with risk. I know that doing this treatment could end my life but, the rewards of doing this treatment for out way my fear. I admit that I wake up very early on treatment days and give positive affirmations to myself trying to brush away my fear of going in. I have to force myself out of bed hugging everyone very hard before I leave; just in case I don't make it home. Just in case I have a seizure and never return to my normal state. I know the risks, but the hope of a chance out ways my fear. I will die with out treatment I know this. I am lucky to be eligible for this treatment. I am lucky to have met all the requirements to be in this trail. 
  I am babbling and too tired to continue. I leave you now.

I am blessed, grateful, all is well in my world.

Sunday Snowboarding!

   

Taking a break on the back side of Bogus

Sunday we slept in till 9:30 which at our house is pretty normal yet I am always happy when it happens. It makes me smile because I have never been one to sleep in very often until I met Sean. I was always more of a 7 am or earlier riser. These days I am lucky if I am out of bed by 8:30 and I love it. I love the extra cuddling time and sleeping time. It makes my days a lot easier when they start off so LAZY and perfect.
   Sean and I got up and got ready to head out for a day of snowboarding. I haven't felt up to snowboarding in weeks which makes me incredibly sad. Snowboarding is one of the few activities that make me feel truly alive. I love being out in the cold mountains, feeling the wind, and being able to be active. I had two knee surgeries a couple years back and it has taken me up until this year to get the hang of snowboarding again. Becoming a confident snowboarder again has given back a lot to me. I owe a lot of that to Sean's constant help and encouragement to get better and trust my body to be able to handle it. Now snowboarding is a constant way of showing myself that I am not always sick. That my body is still strong and capable of being a serious snowboarder. It may have taken half the season to get back in the driver seat on my board but, the feeling it has given me in return is breathe taking. I love how I feel as I fly down a hill. I love that I still enjoy it after 15 years on a snowboard; that the feeling is always there. The need to experience it every year is just as strong as it was the first year. 
   I know that my body is not as strong as it used to be; being able to push it still means I am stronger than I think I am. Everyday there are reminders that I am still strong and I  am still living the life I have always wanted to live.

Tokyo Style Party

Celeste Tokyo style party crew!

    Saturday night I went out for my dear friends Celeste's Tokyo dress up pre-party before a night out dancing. I was not in the best of moods Saturday night. I had been pretty tired all week after radiation and not sure if going out was going to cure my blues. Well to say the least it cured my mood; after getting painted and dressed to the nine's I felt a lot better about life. We listened to the hottest Japanese music, ate sushi, played pool and danced then went out on the town. I did not spend all night on the town but, the time I spent was a wonderful escape from daily life.
    It was the first time in months that I had been out with out Sean. Sean normally is right by my side on nights out however, Sean quit smoking this week. He didn't want to put himself into a situation that would make him smoke. I am so proud of the way he just cold turkey quits it is amazing to me. I really want to have something if I tell myself that I can't have it. Anyways; I was out on my own on Saturday with out my normal partner in crime. Even though I was uncomfortable the time away made me realize how much I enjoy our time together. It also helps me keep respect for our time apart. Never forget that getting out of you comfort zone is very rewarding.

FRIDAY!

  

  I love Friday's; not for the reasons most of you love Friday but, because Friday is a happy day. It is the first day of the week that I get me time, the last day I tend to feel awful, and best of all my Mr. Incredible is off work by five. Today is even better; Sean is working from home. So right now as I update all of you, I am laying on our to small couch with Sean sitting on the edge fully immersed in his work. Even though we rarely share a word we are together making it through the day. While I am studying about diagnosing and treatment of BP11 (bipolar stage 2) Mr. Incredible is making some employee happy all while satisfying the needs of some other partner corporation. It is wonderful to be able to work together with out speaking and know that we are just that together. 
    Sean is a manager at a IT corporation in Boise. He works in a cutting edge industry and is proud to work with the people that he gets to. One of the many things that made me love Sean is his love for other people. Sean is a positive force here at home but, also on the work front. He genuinely cares about the success of his employees and of his peers. He is continually telling me about someone that he is hoping to help reach their goals. Sean is the kind of manager that I always wanted. He wants people under his care to have fun, feel appreciated and be happy coming to work. I love meeting people that he works with they are always telling me what a wonderful manager he is. It makes me proud to be with a man that cares as much at work as he does at home. I think that speaks volumes about his character. 
  Sorry just had to share... He is cute here working away. I don't think I tell him often enough how much I respect him. (not that he reads my blog, so I should voice this out loud at some point)
     Today, is a much healthier day. I woke up feeling rested and more alert than I have felt since Tuesday. I almost feel human again. It makes me want to go out and be crazy even though I know my body still wants to rest until the cows come home. We don't have cows so I know that would be a long time. 
    I love morning when things are slow, when the world seems like it is not moving. I love that I can still feel lost in the moments. I could take a nap right here and awake still believing it is morning even though it would be well into the afternoon. 
   I am learning that simply being in love with life is enough. That I don't have to get caught up in anything. That my choice are just that mine. That I do not have to get involved in anything that is not mine. I have the ability to make those choices. Right now I am choosing to not let myself get down about radiation. I am constantly trying to change my negative thoughts into more positive powerful thoughts. I am not going to lie, this is hard, I am sick, I am scared, and I feel overwhelmed but, how I react to these are completely my choose. 
    Looking forward to another amazing weekend with friends! Any ideas for a cute amine costume? I am planning on going out this weekend for a birthday party bash for the wonderful Jessica. Who wanted a school girl bar crawl... I am on the hunt for idea's today. Please get them in before tonight...LOL I know short notice. I haven't had time to turn on my brain until today.

Cancer Slayer

"CANCER SLAYER" 

Passages to strength
Come in many forms and lengths,
Survival of the fittest,
The biggest
Lessons learned
Appear only when earned,
When fate turns
Its back on you,
Misconstrued,
Subdued
With questions of how and why,
Will I die?
How many tears am I able to cry?
The inquiries never seem to subside,
Outside,
I am a warrior-Braveheart if you will,
Yet within the walls of my ivory skin lies a disease that will kill
At will
With no prejudice or bias,
Ready to guide us
To our Maker of life

Where there lies no strife,
Maybe finally a day of peace
The heartaches will cease,
But my soul tells me to get up and fight
It is not my time to go towards the light,
The flight
That is destined for me
Is to be
The leader of every community
To help them see
It is not about you or I – it is about we,
I will not be added to the list of the deceased

(sigh)

I AM HERE
And yet you have been gone for slightly over 2 years,
And it’s amazing how my smiles take the place of those tears,
I now hope…instead of fear
And I pray that my message to all is crystal clear,
I stared Cancer right in the face
Not with anger but with womanly grace
And told it to get the hell out of this place!!!!!

Radiation: a day in pictures

The waiting room is the first place that I see.  Isn't it pretty? Not! I don't like to wait. I don't think I am a very patient person. So the waiting room is my least favorite place.

The wonderful MRI machine is my second stop; to make sure that we are still zapping the right spot. Also to make sure we are doing to much damage. 

The last stop is IMRT radiation machine. The power house of radiation! Without this star trek looking machine none of this would be possible!

   I am home now laying around trying to stay pretty still. It feels like I have a inner-ear infection even though I know that I don't. Moving around is not what I feel like doing right now. I have taken over the couch; laptop in lap, dog beside, cute kid running wild. Feeling tired and I have a pretty nasty headache that I am battling. Other than that today is going awesome.

Weekend

After soaking in the hot springs! See, I told you I laugh a lot.

    I had a lot of time to think this weekend. I turned off my phone, laptop, and myself; I looked inside my life. I am here today grateful for my life. I am grateful to be here to experience every moment of it.
   We spent Friday night with out our kids having a evening at home. We played little big planet and laughed as we killed each other off over and over again. We cuddled up on the couch and watch Dead wood until midnight. Then tucked our self's in bed for the night. I am continually amazed at how easy our time together is. How many of my hours are spent giggling and smiling. I am amazed at how being open to something makes it possible.

My wonderful friends; Jesse and Celeste

  Sean and I packed up our swim suits and headed to Miracle Hot Springs in Hagerman Idaho on Saturday. It is a two hour drive from our Eagle, Idaho home; which is mostly ugly then suddenly you drop into the amazing valley with rivers and waterfalls and so many hot springs.

Everyone rocking out some Yoga in the main dome

    It is wonderful to find little dream spot in the middle of the dessert. We spent Saturday with a wonderful group of friends; soaking, drinking, giggling, and playing like children. We danced until the wee hours of the morning and then slept like rocks in domes until mid-day. It was great to be able to connect to other people. To hear different views on life. It was a great group of friends and new friends. It felt wonderful to leave cancer in Boise and spend a night feeling completely alive. My friend Celeste made me amazing hanging earring to go with my new bad-ass hair. They are green feathers and they are wonderful, completely excessive, and fun. I am in awe of her talent and expression. I left the hot springs feeling energized with life. I left there feeling more in love with Sean than ever. I left Hangerman with a sense of family. 

Our friend Randy did some fire spinning!

   Sunday was spent just sleeping, eating, and cuddling. It was needed and well enjoyed. We found a new sushi restaurant; had a wonderful dinner. Went to Freddy's and then came home to play more little big planet. Then we laughed a lot until we went to bed.
    Radiation has left me tired and drained. It has been a rough week physically. Mentally it has been tough to stay positive however, the support around me could not be better. When ever I felt low I was picked back and reminded these feeling are temporary. That the outcome of all of this pain might lead to a long life. I may be able to plan for a future. That the seizures may pass and be completely in the past. For now the pain is hard, uncontrollable and weighs heavy on the mind but, I have hope and a solid belief that I will be rewarded with a life that I once thought never possible.

      
        Sean as always is incredible; singing away my seizures, laughing with me, holding me when every thing seems so lost. I love how he asked what he can do to make things better after he already has. I love when his arms come around me and we share a moment that makes me shiver inside. I am a lucky girl to be with such a incredible guy.