First day of my life.

This was taken at Santa Rampage. Please notice my wonderful elfish ears and Sean Boigie Santa hat.

Can I just gush a bit this morning? 
    I love all the little things Mr. Wonderful is. 
1. I love that he kisses me last thing at night and first thing in the morning. 
2. He makes me tea with milk and sugar.
3. That before he leaves to go any where he kisses me. 
4. He hugs my mom. 
5. He is always making a list. 
6. He can be goofy.
7. He plays games ie: the forgotten board games, card games, mostly old people games. 
8. He waits for me when I am being a slow snowboarder. 
9. He lets the little things slide. 
10. He fixes everything. 
11. He lets me think I do.
12. He calls when he is going to be late. 
13. He worries about me when I am sick but, never says it. 

14. He makes me spaghetti when I need comfort food.

15. He loves me. (that is still a little thing right?)
16. He sings when I fall.
17. He talks to me while and after my seizure, telling me that everything is okay. 
18. He makes me giggle even when I don't want to.
19. He always cuddles close on the couch. 
20. He takes Stella out at night when it is REALLY cold outside. 


                I am sure I could go one but, I am not much of a gusher. He doesn't read my blog so I don't have to feel to girly about this post.

This is a must watch. It makes my heart warm inside. 

Stop Hammer Time

  

   
   A couple of months ago my good friend posted this picture. Over the last couple weeks when things got hard I kept looking at this picture giggling to myself... Thanks Amanda.
  One of the many possible side effects of radiation and multiple seizures happens to be slight personality changes. This is one of the many side effects that you read on a 20 page disclaimer it is also the one that you don't take into much account until you experience it. I will give you an example of this did you ever notice that must medications have anal leakage as a "possible" effect. You don't pay much notice to that but, if you experienced anal leakage you may think twice when looking at that side effect list. 
    Over the last few weeks I have noticed little things that have been different. Not feeling confident, feeling judged, being angry over nothing seem to be some of the changes that I have been experiencing. Today I had a seizure while taking a nap; when I awoke I was terrified. I wasn't sure what had happened, where I was, or if I had been dreaming or not. It took almost twenty minutes of being what felt like a out of body experience to pull myself together. It has been hard to admit to myself that yes there are moments during the day that I do NOT feel like myself. I have thoughts that do not feel like my own. It is hard to justify my thoughts when I am not sure where they are coming from. YUCKY, let me tell you that is how it feels. 
     My day went well other than the above incident. I got in a couple good naps, played with Corbynn, and got some blogging done. My mom also came over to help me out today. She painted my kitchen and played Grandma for most of the day until Sean got home. Sean cooked a great dinner; chicken, potato's, and french bread. (I secretly love it when Sean cooks because his food is better than mine.) 
     The girls have been a little off in the evenings lately. Near the crashing point at any point after 6. Starting to wonder if they are not getting enough sleep. What do you think is the right time for bed when you are 6? Someone please give up some advice. She is going to bed at about 8 and waking up at 7 ish??? 
        Well there ya go my day in a nut shell. Now it is time to cozzy up with my wonderful man and play some little big planet. 

Love and light my friends.

Wednesday

Good morning Wednesday! 
        New things on the rise. Dakota got her first alarm clock this week and feels like a "real grown up" She got up this morning and got her and her sister dressed, did hair, and brushed teeth. I was crawling out of bed when I heard them "quietly" come up the stairs. They were all ready for breakfast and to start the day. I love it!! 
         It is strange to think that my children are getting older. They are becoming independent and so self sufficient. However, that does seem to fall to the waist line when one or the other doesn't get her way. Koda had a serious breakdown when I asked her what kind of seed she brought home from school.  She couldn't remember what it was and just made up a name for it. I called her on it and she lost it! Threw herself on the bed and started crying and from then on the rest of the night was mostly tears.  She just falls apart at the oddest moments but, at least in those moments I still get to see my not so "grown up" 6 year old. 
  
       I made myself a promise this week that no matter how bad I felt I was getting dressed by nine and not putting on PJ's until it is close to bed time. It is a little thing that I hope will make me feel normal again. I know that they are just jeans and a t-shirt but, damn it feels good.  Even if I am putting on the weight right now. I can't seem to keep the scale down. I miss the gym. I miss the water but, right now it is not a option. I will make it back to the gym asap promise! My body has been craving some stretching and stair stepper action. 


Our little Stella had a accident on our bathroom floor last night. This would have been bad alone but, it got worse Sean stepped in at 5:30 this morning. Sean didn't scream but, he came back to bed not exactly on the right side. Stella hates the cold so much that she hides at potty time.  Her jacket is not enough as she very boldly told us on our bathroom rug this morning. So forcing Stella outside is going to be a adventure. 



   

Smell like Tuna.

    
  Since, I have radiation on Tuesday I figured we needed to do something different than talk about rad on Tuesdays.  (I am tired of talking about rad)
    
     I have been trying to get out of my personal food box. I have been making the same things for years and years. I am ready to try some new foods. This weeks trail will be tuna casserole. I am not a "HUGE" tuna fan due to many years of tuna and applesauce dieting during my teenage years. 

      Well it turned out pretty good, I had my concerns about using cheddar soup as the cheese.  I didn't even know they made cheddar soup. They shouldn't really... It looked NASTY; there for creating a fear of this casserole. It came out edible and some even went back for seconds and no one woke up to throw up. Also managed throw together lemon bars. Dinner played out better than expected.  Any favorite recipes for next radical Tuesday? 

     
    

A few days in the making!

    I am starting to believe that Thursday may end up being a day to celebrate in my and Mr. Wonderful's house. It seems like Thursday is one of the only days that I do not feel like ripping my own hair out let alone anyone else's hair. So, for our little family Thursday may be becoming the holy day of the week. I finally start feeling human again for the first time since Monday late on Thursday. I know I don't have treatment till Tuesday but Monday every nerve in my body is on some kind of fear crack. That makes Thursday very, very nice for everyone. 
   I did a bunch of nothing on Thursday. I laid around trying to find motivation to a: do laundry b: organize c: call a thousand people back d: just move, nope none found. I was so tired from my multiple seizures that I did not leave bed today other than to go to the doctors to make sure I had not permanently damaged myself.  
   No one got much sleep Wednesday night. Sean was up all night holding me in between seizures and I was up all night having these stupid seizures. Sean had to go to work Thursday morning so Thursday night we tried to sleep like rocks but the aches and pains were a little intense for sleeping. I spent most of the night having multiphase hot flashes and sweats. Overall though I felt pretty good both Thursday and Friday. 

Mom and I went to Eli's awards ceremony on Friday morning. Eli goes to a advanced public school here in Boise and is a rock star. Eli made both honor roll and mathematics man awards. He also brought home his report card which he brought up almost all of his grades. Not that he was scoring low on anything mind you but,  he was not taking advantage of his time in class, talking, sharing, talking, more talking. Eli opened his report card  on the way home and shared it with me; I felt a  sense of pride in his achievements. Not only that was he treated me as if I was a mentor but, that he wanted to share it with me. Everyday he makes me feel more and more like a mentor to him. I enjoy being around to help with homework and after school activities. Eli is a great kid, I am lucky to have him around the girls.
    The rest of Friday was hard. I was tired, I couldn't seem to find myself, I was completely off.  By the end of the day I was crying and feeling pretty sorry for myself. Radiation is hard some weeks; this week was a really, really hard week. I struggled with everything under the sun. It makes recover rough when all you see is yourself falling into ever known crack. 
   We went snowboarding today!!!!!!! I love the way I feel on the mountain.  The wind in my face when I am speeding down a hill. I LOVE the way I feel when I reach he bottom without falling on my butt down a hard run. Today, I took a chance and took a couple large jumps. I did not land either of them but, it is actually take them that is the hard part. After hurting my knees so badly a few years back I haven't been boarding to anywhere near my potential. Today was a step in the right direction!!! Wish I would have taking a picture of me falling on my butt. 
   My energy levels are low still. I am taking at least three naps a day, whether they are good naps or not doesn't matter. I am working on getting out of this funk. I will you watch me. I am going snowboarding on Monday with Mr. Wonderful while my mom watches Corbynn to try to stay in a positive mood while radiation approaches.  I believe it will be a wonderful day!
 

Breathe 

Why are there moments when you can't seem to even pull air into your lungs? Everything starts moving fast around you. There is nothing to hold onto and then it hits; everything tumbles to the ground.  The last pin was laid in the hay stack and you couldn't stop it. That is what happen tonight. 

Isn't she cute?

  My four almost five year old is going through one of those awful stages you hear other parents talk about. The ones that you hope and pray never come into your household. Corbynn has decided that talking back is okay. She is always trying to argue her point. No matter what it is her word has got to be the last word. I know this didn't just magically happen over night. It has been MONTHS in the making. I have been watching horrified from across the table as my child has decided that she has to have a word in EVERYTHING.  She talks over who ever is talking, she interrupts, she straight out told me I was wrong.  Corbynn is driving me up a wall with all of this "I know mom", "I don't want to", "That's not right" HELP!!!! I don't know what to do with her. I tried sitting down and explaining it to her. I tried punishing her; it is like she doesn't understand that it is wrong to talk to adults that way. She becomes very upset and cries until she sends her self into a asthma attach.  Anyone have a suggestion for my cute but very mouthy child?

I may be stuck in bed but, we still have fun here!

    I am sure that part of the reason why I am reacting so badly to it today is that my patience level is very low. I have had a headache for almost three days now that I believe my be slowly rotting out my eyeballs.  Then aunt flow came to town for the first time in six months... so now I have Passive Man hating Syndrome on top of radioactive tendency syndrome. These don't add up to happy fun mom... At moments today I just lost it crying over the lack of diet tonic water. I know sad, I couldn't even have my normal drink to calm myself. I opened the fridge, looked frantically then cried.  Sean has been looking at me like I absolutely lost it. Maybe he's right and I have. 

   I made a chocolate bunt cake this morning for dessert tonight. It turns out I love to bake. How it took me twenty some odd years to figure this out is beyond me. I have really been enjoying the kitchen lately. There is comfort cooking even when I don't want to eat it. I made a roast and rice too. I am loving this... Anyone know where to get some amazing cooking classes? I must learn how to make a amazing crunchy apple pie and the crust eludes me.

   There was a freshness in the air that I had not felt in a long time tonight. After feeling so bottled up with emotions I went out side to find a place where I was not so confined. The air felt different on my skin. New almost. It maybe the drugs or maybe there is a change in me. They said I may experience change in my emotions, senses, or speech. Maybe I am seeing a change deep within me. What else may come?  The world is open for the taking. 

   These days are worth it because at the end of it I go to bed with the most wonderful man who makes me feel beautiful even like this.  I wake up with three amazing kids running around the house. I am blessed.

 

Just Venting

Pain management container... That currently isn't being used. Trying to be tough.

Pain- is an unpleasant feeling that is conveyed to the brain by sensory neurons. The discomfort signals actual or potential injury to the body. However, pain is more than a sensation, or the physical awareness of pain; it also includes perception, the subjective interpretation of the discomfort. Perception gives information on the pain's location, intensity, and something about its nature. The various conscious and unconscious responses to both sensation and perception, including the emotional response, add further definition to the overall concept of pain.

               Do you think that if this unpleasant feeling is conveyed to the brain by sensory neurons that maybe  just maybe they can kill mine while they are microwaving my brain? 

I am screaming on the inside tonight. It comes on in ways as the headache take over sending shockingly overwhelming surge of sound, light, and extreme pain. I know they said it is a side effect however, this is out of control. I can feel my heart beating in my head. Da dum, Da dum, Da Dum.  Normally I would find this entertaining like a beat to make up my own song to, but right now it makes me want to cry from the sound of my own heart beat. I feel achy all over and jerky like my brain isn't sending the right signals to my body. It starts to and then pauses then comes in and  finished it. I wonder if I look like a mystery robot?

      Today right now I am grateful for being alive. I am grateful for being able to raise three wonderful kids. I am grateful to have been able to hold down my food today. I am grateful that I have cute shoes. I am grateful that Sean was able to stay home with me today. I am grateful for the sunshine. I am grateful that I have such amazing caring friends. I am grateful to have this radiation. I am very-very-very grateful for cookie dough. 

Tonight my only goal is to make it tell tomorrow. Tonight I do not "have" to do anything. Tonight I will allow myself to be pampered and cared for. Tonight I am sick and that is okay. Tonight I will let go of this pain and bring positive energy to my healing.

      

        See, I told you I was going to be more positive this year... Watch me work it. 

Sleeping... I have some serious smile lines I did NOT know about

NO PICTURES COME ON!!!