Yes I know I suck

I think the overall air quaility has got me down. Even though you would think spending this much time indoors would make me a lot more productive but, alas I think I got less done this year than last year.

More than not I think I spent more time thinking about all the stuff need done than really doing anything.

The kids are all VERY excited to be going back to school! Eli is starting 6th grade this year. It was very weird to do into his school and have a lot of the student be taller than Sean and I. I hate the idea of looking up to Eli's friends in the years to come. Middle school had so many negative memories for me. I hope that the next three years go smoothly for Eli.

Koda is in second grade this year. She could be more happy with the teacher she got or the kids in her class. She was placed with her best friend. (I am not sure if this is a good thing or not) She is still through the rough. She is excited to be getting older and more excited to wear new clothes. She has become such a sweet child. I cannot even express how amaze she is. She doesn't like to watch t.v. or sit around bored. She is ALWAYS doing something and begs to be right next to you into what ever you are doing.

Corbynn oh so not a baby any more. I can't believe I don't have a child that is not in full time school anymore. I feel like it is a blessing and a curse. I will miss having my little companion during my days at home. Even though those are numbered. She is the known area angry teacher but, I hope that Corbynn will excell with this kind of leadership. I also PRAY that she will have friends this year. Last year was very hard with out her making any great relationships. Maybe I didn't foster them enough. She had a rough summer with out sleep overs and play dates. While she watched her sister play and play and play. I hope that she learns that being a giving friend will come with more of an advantage than being a picky friend. I fear for her even though I know she will find a friend.  She is so much and caring but, yet lacks the ability to see past her own needs sometimes. She loves hiding and playing video games and enjoys being read to more than any of the other children. I am sad that she is growing up so fast.

My grandmother died this week after a long and wonderful journey. She had a great life and was very active in her community. So, we will be heading to Ogden, ut for her funeral this coming weekend. Not looking forward to it but it will be great to see the family.

There is my long over due checkup!

Today

I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I would like to say that I don't know why but, I do. I have lost direction in my blogging. My life has change so much over the last two years it is amazing. Yet I now see why I have been feeling so lost.

Nothing is going to be the same as I once thought it was. Maybe death was like a smooth riding safety net. No matter how horrible it was it was going to be over. Life would have gone on with out me. It would have been hard for a lot of people but, it would have been done. No more treatments no more pain.

Well life is different. Endless treatment options, lots of pain, and more than anything a totally loss of identity. Who am I if I am not Kayla who's diying of cancer? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Do I really want to be any of the things that I thought I needed to be to get though this?

I am not sure.

I am not sad.

I am not depressed.

Just lost.

Picture overload!

been hiding.

Life has been complicated. 

My heart has been heavy. 

My two best friends lost a parent in less than ten days. 

It is amazing how much pain I feel for them. I look into my own life and feel so much thankfulness for my own parents. Even though I know their time is too coming. 

I wonder how my girls will deal when my time too comes. 

I hope that they have many people to hold them up strong.

My best friend Tara is incredible.

She is the mother I look up too. I have to believe that she learned it from 

her own mother. 

When I see her with her babies I am in awe. 

Her ability to be there to share with them is beyond what I have ever had. 

She talked at her mothers funeral about a travel in a bubble to see people.

A pink bubble with buttons on the side. 

She could go anywhere and see anyone in her bubble with her mother. 

Now her own children are taking the bubble to see granny. 

She stays strong on every trip to see her mother.

She crawls into bed with her children at night and cuddles.

She is an incredible mom. 

My other friend is more of a sister...

We have been friends for over 22 years.

Lost her father last Sunday.

Her father was an amazing man 

more of the silent type that stood by and listened when things were low.

He was always there to talk or just sit and stare at you until you worked it out yourself.

To say the least two funerals in a week for my best friends parents 

was a just hard.

I love them. I feel for them. 

They are my favorite people ever. 

I am so sorry.

6/14/2012

I am officially taking my hat of to those of you who blog and work. I seriously don't know how you fit it all in. You must be getting some super turbo shot in there. I don't think I could work all day and come home and blog at night every night. Seriously.

I started a new job. Yes, I decided to join forces with another Real Estate agency. They are amazing. I am so lucky to be party of Core Group Realty. They are nothing short of killer. I am amazed at how progressive and strong they are as a company. Always proud to be part of a well working machine.

I have been busy decorating my office. Putting together my desk and of course getting my work on. Sean and I are on our first no kid week. It has been sad and amazing at the same time. House is really quiet and yet still messy because there is no one making a mess. So cleaning up the old mess doesn't seem as appealing. Not not even close. But today the laundry will be done and tomorrow the packing for Puanta Cana starts. Wish me luck putting together an awesome wardrobe for a over a weeks worth of beach play.

Miss blogging but I am enjoying being busy.

06/06/2012

After Sean and I got married I changed my name. I didn't even think twice about changing it. Two days after our wedding I was down at the dmv changing my name.

I always thought that I would keep my own name. I thought that my name said a lot about who I was. Who I have been my whole life.  I enjoyed my maiden name. I enjoyed what that said about me. I thought the connections with my my family were more important that what ever my new name would become.

Then today I received an email of surprise from a dear friend about the name change. He hadn't expected it and to be honest I hadn't either. He wrote about how his wife hadn't changed her name and how he supported her in that due to an experience he had years before. He had taken a class where they asked them to write their name with their significant others last name. It changed the way he looked at it. I love that there are so many options in life. How marriage has changed. How so many rights have changed. Hopefully we will let marriage continue to change.

For me changing my name was great. It was something that I wanted to do. It was choosing this family. It was choosing to make this family the family that comes first. It was a commitment that I was making to Sean. He is my family and I can't imagine not sharing his last name.

I secretly love looking down at his left hand and seeing his ring. I love that he introduces me as his wife. I  love that we are together. Okay enough of this.

6/4/2012

Summer is here. 

This means the good and the bad. 

The kids don't have to get up early = good

They can't find anything to take up their time = bad

They are able to hang out with everyone and we can finally make some plans = good

The girls get to spend weekends at home = Good. 

 I can't seem to ever be alone = bad

 Everyone wants a pool = good

 Later bedtimes = good

 Stress = BAD

Yep it is pretty exciting around these parts.