Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Living with out faith

On days like to day I often wish that I had some kind of faith in life and the life after. It is so hard to just be satisfied with the thought that things just end. I am struggling knowing that everything is just so over in the end... I have tried to believe in a "god" in the spiritual surrounding that so many are drawn to. Along this line I slowly but surely always realize that these belief aren't for me. So what is? Can you be sure either way? I know that I cant believe that our "God" would send his only son to our world to die for our sins. I just don't think this is possible but, then again I didn't think having cancer was a possibility for this life time. Either way i need to find some sort of faith to pull from in this life. I haven't really wanted to admit my lack of direction or the fact that some days I am just waiting to die. I haven't wanted to admit that I crave "God" or something to that affect. I miss directing teenagers toward a higher living. I miss being part of a community action plan.
I think it may be from losing my community of friends and followers in Salt Lake or it could just be growing up and wanting to be apart of a bigger better community. I want to feel good again. I want to know that what I am doing is impacted the people around me. That I haven't turned into on of those people are negative energy for others. So, what now? Do I start being a change? Do I start being a positive impact on those that I have closeness too? How do you become a change. How do you start? I know that every choice I make is part of that change. I need to start. I need to become the person I see inside.

On the other side.

The girls are doing well. Koday got her ears pierced this week and was amazing. I can't believe she is growing up so fast. She sat down in the chair and looked at me with big eyes fear in every glance as they got ready to pierce each little lob. Then it was done in one second. Not even a tear from her little eye just "Ouch.... that hurt" was all that slipped through her lips. She didn't even complain for two days even though you know it hurt. She just asked for her ears to be cleaned and didn't sleep well. So days passed and now the pain is mostly gone and she looks in the mirror at her ears and smiles and in her little sweet voice asks "mom when can I wear pretty earrings like you?" I am in awe of her sensitivity and love for the world. We put down my beloved first dog yesterday just as she is learning to grasp death and she cried not for the dog but for her mother who lost her best bud. She was sweet and so sad for me. I love her. She is asking for alone time every chance she gets. To have some time when no one is there watching her every move to be a kid and pretend with out another kid playing along. She is growing so fast and is so assured about herself.

Corbynn on the other hand is growing up too. She was really upset that her sister got her ears done and that she new shoes too. She cried silently in her room so she wouldn't upset her happy sister then crawled into my lap and asked why her sister got new things that she didn't. I cried for my little smart one. She is more intelligent than any three year old should be. Her memory and math skills are above Kodas right now. It makes Koda sad but, I can't but be so proud of my little whinny wiz kid. I am surprised at her daily... "mom there are twenty birds in that tree" she says from the couch and sure enough there are twenty birds in the tree. Her expression are just out of this world. Look look look is all she does. I just want to haul her into my lap and hug her but she isn't the type of kid that will let you. She wants to cuddle only when she wants too. She gives her for head to be kissed instead of her cheek or lips unless it is on her terms.. Got love a strong little girl who so much going on.