Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Okay so I stepped on the scale just three days ago before I took myself to the ER.. and lets just say my weight was as always normal.. Today it is EIGHT pounds more. WTF.. You have to be kidding me. I become a almost cow overnight. This is total shit.  I suddenly feel bloated cowish. Thank you long lasting period plus new kidneys medicine.. My body  is pissed and I look fat in my new sweater. THis is shit
 Okay enough

Monday, November 29, 2010

Today I babble

I can't even begin to speak in true sentences. First I shall be positive; things I am grateful for: The smell of cookies in the oven. That my girls are still young enough to say I LOVE YOU more times in a day than I breathe. The way my oldest looks at me for approval as she moves through her day. The way my youngest curls in my lap and tries to be sneaky. The way my shoes fit. The moments that Cancer didn't come up in my day. The moment when my hair look perfect in the mirror. The way it feels to be held when your upset and no one knows you are but, you. The way he looks in a flannel (no one said that would be sexy and still I am thinking that it shouldn't be even though it still is).  The way the girls look holding hands sleeping on a blow up mattress in the middle of the floor. The way I feel like the old me when I swim. I am thankful that I still get to be thankful.

I am looking for a trail for my brain tumor. I do not know if there is one out there that is worth the risk or if I am just kidding myself thinking that one is magically going to appear now that I am desperately hoping for anything that will help. Unsure how to feel about that.

My body is tired today. I have been feeling very emotional lately. I just can't seem to find the even spot. Where did it go? I used to feel so secure but, I am unsure if that is because I was alone and when your alone you have nothing to really be unsure of? Does that even make sense? Not so sure of it. I have been finding myself crying for no reason when I am driving. Or looking at my bank account wondering what is going to happen. I know that no one said Single parent and Cancer = money in the bank and they were right. I just did not know how right they really were. I have always been so capable feeling not capable is really hard. I can not explain to you how strange that change feels. That when the bills come in you have to just take deep breathes and realize that I am fighting for much more than just an item this is my life. It is worth every dept, every bill, every bad dream but, really how long can I stay on top of this with out losing footing?

It is so hard not to push every living thing out of my life. I am fighting to keep a connection with the girls, with Sean, and my friends but I struggle to keep on top of those things. I am struggling to want to talk, hug, kiss sometimes I just want to be alone. Well lets be honest most of the time right now I wish I was alone. Maybe not the kind of alone you are thinking of but, the kind where you do not have to be you. You could be about anyone. a coffee shop where no one knows but you can still chat and be friendly. Is that so wrong to want a escape? I think I have let go of most of my connections because close contact is so hard to handle. I find myself alone one this equinox and there is no way off. Everyone wants to come but I just want them to find another. I have known this about my self for many years I push away anything that gets to close. It is hard to believe that I am still holding on to this.

I bought a stuffed dog from Macy's today.. It sang and made me laugh.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A way of speech.

As things have change through out my life. I have began to understand that a back story is in order

at some point during any story so today you all get the speech. Mostly because I do  not think I have told it.

  My name is Kayla O. and I was diagnosed with Cancer on May 5, 2006 at 3pm; one month after having my second child.  The shock was overwhelming completely disarming. I was once again amazed at what can change in seconds. My life took a turn that I would never forget that day it was awful change that reworked my entire life. I was a 21 year old girl with two very small children at home and a divorce on the rise. You can only imagine how heartbreaking this news was.
   The days passed in a bitter daze. I was to afraid to even say the word cancer let alone talk to my family about it. So over a week passed with out a word from me. I sat in silence wondering how I was going to manage my life. Was I going to die? Was it going to be awful? would I beat it on the first round? I did not even know what I had yet I was wondering everything under the sun.
  I was diagnosed with uterine cancer on May 24 2006. I went under surgery the following day, they burned the inside of my uterus  and started radiation the next day. After a couple months of feeling good about my cancer and being cleared of all worries. I was sent home to feel wonderful forever; this was not the case though. I started having dizzy spells, stomach problems, and headaches that I ignored and ignored. It did not take long before my stomach hurt so bad that I ended up back in the hospital. They found 38 tumors across my body. It took two months to figure out what was really going on. Two months that I found myself in tears every day, wondering what the hell was happening to my body. After three different hospitals we found out I had STS. Soft Tissue Sarcomas. It also came with a sentence that I was not ready for.... This is terminal; there is no hope for complete cure.  Let that sink in for a moment... Imagine holding your not yet 6 month old child in your arms while your 2 year old runs around the room and you hear those words. The divorce papers are signed and now I am alone with two small children, divorced, and terminal. I did not think it could ever be this bad. I moved to Salt Lake in September of 2006 for treatment at Huntsman's followed by a intestinal, facial, breast, stomach cavity surgeries. One after the other followed by weeks of radiation... I was so tired I couldn't moved and was still attempting to parent. Going on and off liquid diets, no food, some food, 200 hundred oz. of water a day to no water. It was insane, unbelievable and totally not controlled.
       Years past with out much change until September of 2009 when I moved back to Idaho to be closer to my family. I thought I was done with surgeries and radiation; after finding a brain tumor and a neck tumor that could not be removed.  I had lost hope in most things my self, my friends, life. Things happen all the time that you can not explain. That the universe does not give you answers for, that there really is no hint of what is happening other than it just is. I am sure I have said it a million times but again I am thankful for my cancer. Everyday it changes me into a person where I can be in this moment not in the next, that I can look beyond what most people see when I see a person. I have learned that it is not wrong to love everyone you meet and saying it does not make you a bad person. I have learned that I love to cuddle everything I can cuddle. I want to lay my head down in someones lap and look into their eyes and tell them how wonderful life can be. Cancer gave me a lot... Even as it takes away my life it is still giving me a better one.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Smells like...

I had three radiations this over the last few weeks due to us trying to attack a tumor that wants to eat my spine.  Does that not sound great?
    Have you ever walked into a radiation lounge? Before the doors even open you are hit with this smell that can penetrate your entire body with a vengeance that you did not even know was possible. It is a personal assult on on every sense that you have. You are first overwhelmed by smell, then by color because it is like running into a five year old painting. Rainbow splattered everywhere gigantic walls of yellow, blue and of course pink; they truly believe you will suddenly you will feel better just at the site of it.  Which on its own is a form of adult abuse not to mention it does not take care of how the reality is still the same. You still have cancer and you still have to be microwaved to a provocative color of red and or maybe just a rash.
   I have to admit that is not where I thought I would be again. I had allowed myself to fall into a place where I could just be. I could just ignore the facts of my conditions. I could settle with death because I had created this place where I no longer had to have cancer. I had found a way to avoid thinking about it dealing with it being cancer. I could just take a play at being healthy, there were days where I did not consider the seizures even cancer related. I had found my own personal play ground.... My life. Because is that not what life is suppose to be? Is that not what every one else get to receive? A playground of dreams, ambitions, loves that do not come with the contingency of doctors appointments, missing memories, and of course cancer guilt. Can not forget cancer guilt. Because when you are doing a activity that some one else thinks is not a good thing to be doing because it is dangerous to your health. You get cancer guilt because you are really not well enough to do a lot of things however doing them is what makes life. All of this made it a lot easier to just sit on the back burner and wait for things to happen to me.  When doctors say you have months to live and you live on another year while they look at you and say again you have a few months to go.... It is crazy when the world is against you. You can watch your self turn inside out and then settle in just letting go.
       So once again... I am trying to beat the realities of this and fight a little longer.

I am loving the "POSSIBLE" side effects of radiation.
The side effects of radiation therapy to the brain or neck may not occur until two weeks after the start of your therapy. Some people experience hair loss but the amount varies from person to person. Hair usually grows back once therapy is finished.
The second most frequently reported side effect is a skin irritation. The skin around your ears and scalp may become dry, itchy, red or tender. It is important not to attempt to treat this side effect on your own, but rather to seek medical treatment as soon as it occurs. Fatigue is another possible side effect of radiation therapy. The best way to fight fatigue is to make sure to get adequate rest, eat a healthy diet, and rely on friends and family for support. Your normal energy levels should return about six weeks after you finish your therapy.
Edema, or swelling of the brain, is also prevalent among individuals undergoing radiation therapy to the brain. If you experience a headache or a feeling of pressure, report your symptoms to your oncologist. You may be prescribed medications to help reduce brain swelling, seizures or to control pain. When chemotherapy and radiation therapy are given at the same time, patients may experience more severe side effects. Your doctor can suggest ways to ease these uncomfortable symptoms.
Other possible side effects include:
  • hearing problems
  • nausea
  • vomiting
  • loss of appetite
  • memory or speech problems
  • headaches

What are some of the possible risks or complications?

Radiation is a powerful weapon against cancer cells, but sometimes it kills healthy brain tissue as well—a severe side effect called radiation necrosis. Necrosis (a late effect of high doses of radiation) can cause headaches, seizures, or even death in a small number of cases. This can occur six months to a few years after treatment. However, the risk of necrosis has declined in recent years with the advent of the newer, targeted radiation therapies described above and the emergence of powerful imaging, brain mapping, and information technologies.
Other complications include:
Just a FYI in the last week I have heard of three of us having Seizures after Rad... Possible or Probable?
Thought you may enjoying looking at my tumors!!!  

Monday, November 15, 2010

Koda is SIX

What happens to time? Does it pass by you in such speeds that only the old seem to notice or maybe they just take note of such passing's. I amazed at how big she has become; how aware she is of the things around her. How things change from infancy to six. She has become her own person. She is shy and caring and amazing. She looks out for the better of everyone. Dakota is the daughter that everyone wants. She is polite well mannered and always wanting to please. I am proud to be her mom; proud to have the chance to see her grow. I could not imagine not having her as my child.
   The day she was born was the clearest day in November of 2004. We arrived early to the hostpital with our nerves on high. We were about to become parents. No knowledge of what was to come of the trails that would face our family. That day the only thing on our minds was her. That magnificent baby that was full grown with in me. She was born just as pretty as she is today chunky and awe inspiring. The biggest blue eyes you have ever seen the reach deep inside your soul; they know you... She knows you from the minute she meets you.

I love you Dakota and I am proud to be your mother. My wonderful first born.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

A Wonderful Mess.

My heart sets heavy tonight. I have been struggling to keep a hold of my emotions over the last few days.  My friend Brett recently became terimal. He spent the last year avoiding life and not living the way he wanted to. He was in love with a woman but, not pursuing her because of his illness.  He some how found the courage to get married to this woman right before he was going to die. They ran away and committed their lives to one another. The courage of them both makes me cry. The ability to let go of all of those fears and just be in love. From either spot it is a hard feeling to allow your self to have. I can not even imagine how they felt in those moments. How they felt when they openly decided to run away in three days and get married. To spend what is ultimatily a very short married life together. The absolute love and trust they must have for one another to make such a impressive decision. To open their hearts to the pain that will in the end overtake them. To watch the one you love die before you so soon after committing a life time to each other. The look in their eyes says it all. They love each other from a depth of their souls that people rarely find. A peace of them so lost with in each other that it will never be found. When they stare into the eyes of one another you see that piece hidden deep with in that only lights up for the other. The love they share is life altering even to those far away.
   I cry when I think of the commitment to each other.  I have not been able to tear down my own walls for years. To watch two people in such a similar position be so courage's with their hearts makes me feel like I have a chance to make it.  That maybe I too can let down those ways and allow myself to be hurt, allow myself to hurt someone else. 
   My heart sings with hope and praise for this inspiration couple. The world moves around people like these. I am in love with love again. 

Welcome to the top.

     Sometimes getting to the top is only half the adventure. Coming down is a new adventure all on its own.  I have found that pushing my body to do thing that it has never done is not the hard part. Coming down from those places are.
      I went hiking in Moab in hopes of climbing six shooters. The approach was a challenge that I did not know if I was ready for.  I made it all the way to the top. The picture above was taken half way up the mountain.  Coming down was twice as hard as my knees gave out under the pressure of my forty pound pack. I am going to have to work on my down hill climbing skills that last mile was brutal.
       I also found myself jumping out of a plane. The way up not so bad... getting out of the plane well... like I said down is a lot different. Falling was irremediable a feeling that is indescribable. I am amazed everyday by what there is out there to feel... Yet so many choose to feel nothing.  I went to City Of Rocks after and climbed my first real rock. I slambed myself ten ways to side ways and still made it to the top. I admit I did not exactly have a good time. It was rough going but, I am happy I did it. I enjoyed every moment of it with out having a good time.  I do not know how this is possible but, it is.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fall is here and I am wonderful mess.

Dropping Koda off at school is the strangest thing I have ever had to do.... I still look in the mirror and most days see myself as a child. I still remember the days of looking up to teachers and feeling like my parents were out to get me. Today I dropped my child off to school a little late might I add and the teacher looked and at me and I realized... I am not a child. I am this childs parent this is not my teacher. I am a peer to this teacher, how odd is that realization for you?

    I enjoyed Canada like you would not believe. I saw amazing majestic sites. I told everyone I was going to see something majestic and I did. The mountains parted and the clouds cleared, the brightest light I have ever seen flowed in over the valley. I was in awe of our world again.  I love the outdoors and sometimes forget how just awe inspiring it is to be out there. I love to drive around and see everything. Having a personal tour guide means you get to see all the good stuff      

    Then out of no where a friend of mine called saying he wanted to go to Dave Matthews Band and wanted me to go. I was Canada and he flew into Spokane so I drove down and picked him up. My cousins live in Cour delane so we stayed there. It is a busy little Northwest city. There are lakes and rivers every where. I have never seen so many bridges. Friday night we went to dinner than Saturday we woke up with food poisening. Saturday we both stayed in our hotel rooms and tried to regroup. I am pretty sure I could hear him puking through the walls. I know I could not hold it in. Sunday was the Dave Matthew Concert we were still stupid sick. I was unwilling to miss the show I spent 170 dollars on so we just sucked it up. Our drive should only have been a couple hours however with bathroom stop it took us four hours. It also took an entire bottle of pepto and misn. other drugs. The show was great. I have never seen so many people in one venue. I do not believe you can describe a venue like the gorge. It is having the best back dropped to the most wonderful music ever. Now all I need to do is see Tom Petty there today.


     Things are settling back down for the week. thankful.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

September is here!

In BC Canada
I am in Canada this week visiting my friend James. I have not seen James in almost two years (we used to be room mates in Utah but, he bailed back to Canada.) I have missed him much. James was a big part of my life in Utah. I went through a lot of changes in how I view the world during the time we lived together. We were both in rough spots him right out of a divorce and me right where I always seemed to be either falling in or out of love. He is honest, fun, talented, amazing man who really opened my eyes to look at myself in the mirror really hard and see if I like the person I saw. I did not like the person I was because I was empty at the time. There was nothing filling me that was healthy at least. This is one of those friends that you dream of having. You can walk in a room and feel like not a moment has past between you not alone two years. It is incredible that it works this way with some select few people while others just disappear out of your life forever.  I am always humbled that he stayed in my life.
 This trip of those things that brings me to great change again; hours on the road alone to truly think and feel.   I feel renewed just being around the mountains and the extremes of mother nature. I am constantly surprised that I forget this feeling as soon as I leave.  A reminder that this world is bigger than just my little piece of it. 

Koda started her very first day of school on Monday. She woke up at four thirty wanting to get ready for school. I was not ready to be awake yet though. So back to sleep they went for a few quick hours. She was up and dressed before I could get out of bed. She wanted her hair curled her best clothes on and she WANTED to go. We left the house in a rush and got there with time to spare. She was so excited and nervous she kept acting all happy then suddenly would say " Mom maybe I am a bit scared. Is that okay?" It was cute. She had a break down when it was time to leave but, I heard she recovered wonderfully. She was so happy when she got out of school that I am pretty sure there is not going to be a fight to get her to go. I had a hard time letting go of her. I can not believe how fast the time has gone. I remember so well her first days and it seems to close to those to be her first year of real school. It saddens me that next her I will put my second one on the bus and then there will be none at home. I am too young to have both my girls in school. What will I do? I am already afraid for next year even though I think being afraid for next year is easier than feeling sadness that my babies are growing up now. They are getting to be kids right before me eyes. It is scary.
Other than all that... I have cold. Nothing real new to report.

Monday, August 23, 2010

A day of oddities and Seattle

I have to admit sometimes a couple days worth of strange saying has brought my days from glum to a little better.  Drill a whole in it. Is one of my favorite new little comments. We found this item that we had been looking for. We bought said item and were looking for the attachments to it, that no one seemed to carry... but they all seemed to think that Drill a hole in it was a answer to our problem. They wanted to sell us a different attachment that they all sold that did not fit it. So far the last week... Drill a hole in it has become my answer for anything that does not fit or when I am looking for an alternative. It makes me smile when I hear myself say it.

My second little saying for the week is "Normally I would say that is trashy but, it looks good on you" So I was sitting eating breakfast in Seattle and this older well dressed with probably the best old lady hair I had ever seen walked up to me and said extacly that. Normally I would say that is trashy but, it looks good on you. I was unsure what she was speaking of at first. My hair? Tattoos ? or my outfit? I am still unsure what she was refering to. At first I was offended to the core. All I could think was you B***ch then suddenly this sense of pride started inside me. She thought that something about the way I looked which normally  turned her off looked good on me. I think that may be the best compliment that I have ever recieved. I have been saying it every time I see a person pull off a look that I would normally hate.

Seattle was amazing I went over to clear my head from all the fog that I had been feeling about life. Recharge and reconnect. The drive there was profound as always the amount of thoughts that you can process when you are left with nothing else to do but think. I felt calm when I pulled in to Seattle. I could smell the ocean coming off the sound. There were real building, art, people roaming the streets, cocktail bars,and open air restaurants . I would do just about any thing to live in that city. Seattle makes me feel vibrant again. On Saturday we took a fairy across to Widby Island and drove all the way up the island stopping at all the wineries sampling their wines. Then we crossed back over and we were almost at the Canadian border we stopped after the bridge and looked out too the ocean. We decided that we should climb down the rock face and have a bottle of wine one the rocks out in the ocean. So an hour of climbing later we sat on the rocks and drank wine and talked about everything that was happening in our lives. Then it hit us that we were going to have to climb back up this rock face to get to our car. ... umm Drunk? we better get moving. We made it back up and waited a long time to drive back into Seattle for a much needed shopping break. Let's just say it was awesome.  I really felt alive again.


I feel like communication styles can be so different. That tone, intention, and guilt seem to come into play no matter who you are talking too. I am having a hard time communicating the way I want to. I feel like I don't know how to communicate correctly anymore. My words feel twisted and abused against me. I know that is not the intention however it is how it comes across. I feel attacked and misunderstood even when I think I am explaining myself clearly. Why can't I do this right? I don't know how to fix this problem. I feel like everything I do is wrong anymore. I can't talk with out being attacked my phone rings constantly with accusations. I am starting to believe that the people  I am communicating  with doesn't understand me at all. I am feel alone in my own relationships, honestly I don't know I know this isn't fixable.

I haven't ever known myself to give up or let some one out of my life. I am friends with every person I have ever dated. Yet, I feel now that I am growing up things have changed. I do not need to have all those contacts any more. I left this relationship feel broken and unable to breathe. I am amazed at how violated  I have felt through this relationship. I have never felt like I did not have any thing that was mine before. I felt he thought he could just go through every thing I owned. I still feel like I was a object that he owned. I felt like a possession to be kept close looked over.  I felt like I could not go anywhere with out a explanation of who I saw, sat by, talked to, looked at.. When I went out my phone would ring over and over again... if it was not ringing it was going off from text messages. If I did not reply with in an hour. I was ignoring, avoiding, or worse doing something that I was hiding from him. Then it was absolute that a fight was coming my way. He talked about me behind my back and lied to me about it. Like I wouldn't hear about it from everyone. I feel so betrayed. He accuses me of hurting the children. Did he not see that I was hurting.

Yet, he is so charismatic, beautiful , and caring all lot of the time. When I was sick he was here for me. He carried me from room to room when I couldn't walk. Held me when I seizure into his arms, brought me medicine food, and water. Stayed up all night worrying about how I was doing. His smile could light up a room. He is fun, excited, and interesting.  The best way to describe my feelings right now is gray.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

8 days

Dreaming about simple times
I feel overwhelmed in my current situation. School starts tonight at 6 and goes until 10, I am unprepared and feeling a little behind the curve even though the class hasn't started yet.  I was late on my first two assignments due to their being now syllabus available; so I couldn't do the assignment with out a outline. Not sure if she is going to dock our class on this yet.

Relationships are hard, confusing, and frequently painful; when things aren't going according to plan. I don't know if I am cut out for the cookie cutter relationship. I feel awful inside for this a lot of the time, like I am not giving the right things to make them happy. I struggle with the ideals that have shaped me and the ones that I would want to possess; even though they are not in my nature.  I wonder if I go for the things that I want instead of the things that I know work for me. I feel like I spend a lot of time hurting partners because; I am not that perfect Betty Crocker. The one that is home all day and waiting patiently for someone when they get home, that comes to visit, and spends the day awaiting those calls, that want to share every thing with someone. I know most of my friends would die for the kind of man that wants to care of you however, I am not that girl. I want a guy that understands that I am a strong, spontaneous, and I hate explaining my self all the time. I hate accounting for every moment it makes me feel like I am on a chain. Once you feel like you are on a chain you pull, pull, and pull trying to free yourself'; right?  Then I feel like I can't talk about how I am feeling because every time I do it get turned into something I did wrong. Which I have to admit when I am under this kind of stress I tend to just not say anything any more. I feel like a cage animal being poked out during these times.
I think my struggles with relationships come from cancer. I want to live all the life that I can. I want to spend one on one time with everyone I know. I want to be able to go places and experience things alone because, I want to be able to say I did those things. I love new moments, experience, spontaneous amazing things. Like walking in cemeteries, running in the rain with some girl you don't know and hiding under the eaves together and talking about boys, drinks, exchange numbers and become friends. I love the little things and I don't always want to share those moments with any one either. Cancer has brought me to a place that I like my space. I like to be able to have time to just be sick by myself and be able to think about life. I want to be able to wonder what someone else is doing, thinking, missing. I want to be able to really miss some one.

I feel lost, unsure, and scared.
I will wake up with better clarity tomorrow.

Wish me luck first day back to school!!

Monday, August 2, 2010

way late

Life took hold and away I went. Summer can be oddly out of control yet so rewarding. I am surprised how much I enjoy the little things. The hot sun against my skin and the cool pool right underneath me, hummingbirds flying around our house, steaming evenings on our porch swing and the look in the girls eyes when the night is over and everyone is ready to crash.
I am learning about what it takes to make a better me.  Have you ever had trouble admitting you need or want help? I am always amazed at my continued belief in myself even when I shouldn't have any. I don't know how to ask for help; it has always been on of those taboos about being independent. I have been a busy bee lately and forgot how fragile my life is. I struggle with the idea that I could at anytime be forced out of this life and into the next. Love will keep me alive right? Those people that I should have asked for help will carry on a legacy behind me of love, right? I wonder all the time how to leave little pieces of me in this world for my girls to follow.

My ex finally managed to make me upset after almost three years of getting along seamlessly he went and did it again.  He moved in with his new girlfriend this weekend; only giving the girls a couple days to deal with the move. Corbynn didn't seem to mind much however, Koda had a breakdown about not wanting to leave with her, not liking her other children, and overall not feeling comfortable in that life style.  When I comforted Matt about he didn't seem to care. He just wanted my support in letting him be happy in his life. It is not that I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be beyond happy; it is that I want to feel comfort about who is with my child. I am having flash backs of the movie step mom right now. How scary is that; I feel like I am that lady though. I want to scream at the poor unaware girlfriend about everything that she is doing wrong. Then I want to hug her even if I am angry and jealous of her. Jealous just because she has the chance of being with my children forever.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Finding new ground

I am amazed at the things you will do to feel better. I will make coffee, take a run, go outside, take a new drug, experiment with sex in the morning or at night. What in the world will make me have energy again? Well let me tell you whoever you may be.

WELBURTRAIN- stop smoking, and get rid of mild depression. I am unsure if I needed either of these. I went in complaining of fatigue left with a little piece of paper for some thing that was suppose to give me energy.
In fact folk it did. Maybe even a little too much. For I have now crashed lol.Three days of almost no sleep and feeling like I have been cloud surfing. I am suddenly happy and with energy. I don't know if I should be happy about it or not. I don't want to believe that I may need a drug to keep me up and moving every day however, I am willing to take this over the sleepy I don't want to go out side feeling of the last few months.  I have to say that I have felt less like myself than ever. I really am looking forward to going on a bike ride, or swinging on tree swing, laying in the pool with the kids in tow.  I miss being a part of everyday life and the way I had been feeling was making it impossible to feel like I was a part.
    It makes me sad that so many mothers these day life in a world confide by post pardon depression. Who are afraid to reach out for help. Who don't want anyone know that they are depressed because they think it mean they are failing. I am friends with so many who will admit in a quite please don't tell anyone voice that they are depressed but, are unwilling to seek help because it isn't that bad. I pray that they will find help before they become totally over taken by depression.
   I am trying to figure out a way to get involved any ideas?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sometimes the summer runs away with you.

The girls and I went and had our photos taken at the last minute last Wednesday! I love getting pictures taken however, I hate planning them so this worked out wonderfully. I was so happy that it turned out the way that it had.
  We went to a place called settlers park in the morning with some other friends. Settlers park is amazing, it has a splash park, and three different play areas. It is normally way overcrowded however, completely worth it. I love the way the kids interact there. I will take pictures tomorrow when we return with Angelina and her two girls.
   Then off to take pictures we went; my mother at the reins to get things done and done now. Koda washer   normal shy and unsure self.  Corbynn was all over the place. Smiling and posing like you have never seen a child pose. She was all about it and thought it was the best thing that ever happen to her. On the other hand koda didn't want to smile, pose, or laugh. She just wanted to stand there and have her smug look on her face. She wasn't into it at all. I think we got three great pictures out of her; two of which were only great because they showed so much of her anti personality. I get a kick out of how different my girls can be. I love them both so differently. Koda has so much of my introverted side that I worry about her ability to be out there but, I know she will figure it out.

 I decided to take a trip to eastern Idaho to Idaho Falls to visit some of my friends. It was our first road trip together since we started dating. It was a blast, we drove down Friday afternoon and made it all the way to Rexberg by 8pm. Met up with my best bud Demi and out we went. It was my first eastern Idaho bar experience and more than likely my last. Not the normal bar experience, sometimes I think that in town that our so one sided in view the people that don't have those views end up off the deep end. I know that you have extremest everywhere but, this was a little more extreme than I would like to experience.  Saturday we slept in and ran around in Idaho Falls with some one I used to work with in Boise center. She has only been up there a few weeks so it was wonderful to get to spend time with her.  Sunday I slept most of the day and then got ready to head back to Boise. 

Monday, June 28, 2010

Tea Parties

once upon a time three little girls wanted to tea party. As most of us know I am not much into the creative side of life. I am more of a lets keep it clean and not make to much of a mess that I need to clean up later. However these were new friends and I felt like it was time to make a bit of impression to make this a fun adventure. So we made crowns and draped cloth for a wonderful tea party.
To bad that Koda is violently ill with heat stroke and kept throwing up through out her party. I felt horrible for her. She was tired and sick and really needed to just lay around. The rest of the kids did awesome went swimming and played around inside, then outside.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

a day in pictures

Out side playing before I got ready for the day

Teaching a friends little one to use my camera

Stolen Binkies

My feet at the park

Ontop of something tall

hanging upside down like a little monkey

totally tired and using self timer mode

Attach of wet, wet, wet dog

Loving my new use of self timer. However,  exhausted and wishing there was someone around to take them

tired and now relaxed. If I had one of me sleeping it would be full circle today

favorite shot of the day!


Electroencephalography (EEG) is the recording of electrical activity along the scalp produced by the firing of neurons within the brain.[2] In clinical contexts, EEG refers to the recording of the brain's spontaneous electrical activity over a short period of time, usually 20–40 minutes, as recorded from multiple electrodes placed on the scalp. In neurology, the main diagnostic application of EEG is in the case of epilepsy, as epileptic activity can create clear abnormalities on a standard EEG study.[3] A secondary clinical use of EEG is in the diagnosis of coma, encephalopathy's, and brain death. EEG used to be a first-line method for the diagnosis of tumors, stroke and other focal brain disorders, but this use has decreased with the advent of anatomical imaging techniques such as MRI and CT.

Derivatives of the EEG technique include evoked potentials (EP), which involves averaging the EEG activity time-locked to the presentation of a stimulus of some sort (visual, somatosensory, or auditory). Event-related potentials refer to averaged EEG responses that are time-locked to more complex processing of stimuli; this technique is used in cognitive science, cognitive psychology, and psychophysiological research.

I had a EEG done this week, it is my second in the last month. I can't really explain to you the amount of anxiety this causes me for something that isn't that big of a deal. I hate when they decided to mess with my brain in ways that I cannot control. Secondly it is really weird deal, you go in and they set you in this super comfortable chair attach millions of little sticky things in your hair. Tell you not to sleep or eat before hand and want you to think you are going to have a relaxing forty minutes to sit. In all reality they want you to seizure or show signs of low or high brain activity. For me they look at my brain tumor and what kind of issue it is causing for me currently. They then compare this to my MRI and look for pattern that could show what kind of changes are taking place in my brain. They ask you to breath really fast, then they ask you to be calm, then suddenly they pull out the crazy flashing lights. Wow it is odd. Not  a very enjoyable experience. The people are nice but, they are like the ones that draw your blood just kinda there. Not to mention they have this secret hope that you freak out I think.
  This also creates fear for me. The fear of getting worse. I hate that they can track what is going on. Sometimes not knowing is something of a blessing because knowing can be horrible. I hate that some days I just don't remember anything some days, my body hurts and I just want to quit all treatments. I want to live a normal life where the doctor isn't a normal experience for me. I am grateful for the help of doctor, nurses and my now amazing family. I am grateful for the amount of comfort I get from blogging and reading other peoples inspirational stories. I am AFRAID of dying with out truly living.
Food for thought. You are what you eat. Tomorrow I start eating just clear liquid does this make me translucent?

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I picked up my little ones at my fathers farm this morning. They had gone out to the farm to enjoy some starberriers and treehouse fun. My dad told me that they sat in the starberry batch for an hour picking and eating starberries. Then they played in the sand box until I arrived to retrieve my munchins.  At first glance I wasn't sure if they were mine. Mudd, straberry juiced faces, black feet, and crazy laughter. I couldn't believe how dirty these two little girls have got in less than three hours.  They looked like someone had taken a gargage pale and unloaded it on to them. They were insanely happy and funny.  Koda laughing away at grandpa who was happy just to have them there. Her smile just ringing through her eyes. She is incredible child with so much depth and senserity. Her way of making everything matter; she knows how to turn a second into a moment. She knows how to hug like a mother hugs a child. She is older than her years by lifetimes. I can't tell you how much I love this child.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Going blonde

   I made a drastic change this week. I am now officially a Blondie. I haven't been a blondie almost five years it is so odd to see your self completely different. I am always up for a change however most of the time it is just a hair cut and some highlights in my really dark hair.
   My daughter prompted this change. I was talking to her on the phone the other day and she told me she really wanted me to look like her. She wanted me to be a Blondie so she could say she got her hair color from me. It was one of the cutest conversations I had ever had with her. She wanted to be just like mommy even if that meant dying her amazing hair red, so that we all looked the same. Koda was tired of being odd kid out; which she really isn't her father has dark brown hair, I have medium brown with a little red, and Corbynns bright red hair can't be ignored. So we are all kind of odd out. She was so happy when she saw me, she lit up and started screaming. She is such a sweet old soul. I am humbled by my daughter ability to give and be completely selfless. I am learning everyday that she is such a powerful woman. I can't wait for her to grow up. I want to see what she will become as she continues to change with time.  I can only imagine her as a teenager: tall, skinny, beautiful and elegant. She is going to be a striking woman with power behind her. She is currently a amazing talented girl with so much light. I am so in love with this child.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Do you ever use fear as a crutch?  I find myself using fear as a way not to live my life. Do you ever hear your self saying.

I am not ready?
I might fall.
They might reject me.
what would the neighbors think?
I am afraid to tell my Husband/wife?
I might get hurt.
I may have to change
It might cost me money.
I would rather die first.
I don't want anyone to know I have a problem.
I am afraid to express my true feelings.
Don't want to talk about it.
I don't have the energy.
Who knows where I might end up?
I may lose my freedom.
I don't have enough money now.
It's to hard to do.
I might hurt myself.
I might lose friends.
I don't trust anyone.
It might hurt my image.
I might die before I am done.

I know that I have let my fear of dying control my fear of living. I have let my fear of failing stop me from pursuing most of my dreams. I know that my self doubt has cost me my confidence. I know that my fear of god has led to my struggles with love, religion, church, men, and most of all myself.  I am choosing not to let fear take charge of my life. I am who I am I shall not fear who I may become if I try to be me. 

I am making room for the new in my life with that; the old has to go. All the spiderwebs in the corners of my rooms have to go. I need to let go of all the pain in order to make room for the new and improved. I have been letting go of all the things that I have been holding on to, in order to hold my life back in my hands again. I have lost something, I am going to find it; I PROMISE.  I have been keeping people in my life that weren't here for me and were just pieces of memories that I still wanted to hold on to. It wasn't that any of them were really friends; they were all just pieces of a life that happened to be mine. Not letting go of the past keeps me from moving forward with now. I have been using the past and people from my past to keep me in this never ending state of nothing. I haven't let myself grow in years; the fear of who I would be was too much. I want to see the change that I know I am capable of.

A positive affirmation came to me today.  Some days I forget there is such a thing as positive growth.  Here ya go.
In the infinity of life where I am,
all is perfect, whole and complete,
Change is the natural law of my life,
I welcome change, I am willing to change.
I choose to change the words I use.
I move from the old to the new with ease and with joy.
It is easier for me to forgive than I thought,
Forgiving makes me feel free and light. I it is with joy
that I learn to love myself more and more. The more resentment I release, the more love I have to express.
Changing my thoughts makes me feel good.
I am learning to choose to make today a pleasure to experience.
I am one with my creator today. All is well in my world.

Monday, June 21, 2010

On me

Waking up this morning was something of a trick with the girls back in town. I am used to a couple hours to figure out how to wake up. My brain truly doesn't function that early, there are layers of fog that need to lift. I can't really focus and my brain truly hurts. I have trouble keeping track of myself that early let alone two little girls that want early morning fun ei: outside adventures, play dough, cutting, any craft must include loud noises. I at this time in the morning want caffeine or tea and some quiet time. I know that I just don't do mornings anymore. I used to love to wake up before the sun came up and stay up way to late. These days I believe I should be in bed at 7pm in order to wake up at 8am... I know this is sad but, SO SO true.

My brain feels like it is on fire today. It burns when my eyes see the sun. I get this feeling like everything is going black and then the little bubbles start in. I try to ignore the signs the best I can but, a seizure is on the way whether I like it or not. Most of the time I find a floor and lay down and hope that it is small and I don't go unconscious. Sometimes, I just lay on the bed and pray that it never comes. It always does, the prayers don't save me from that. I know that however it feel good to talk to someone in that moment that can't say anything back. I don't pray that things will get better to be honest, I only pray that it will stop. I sit there in my silence while my muscles jerk uncontrollably and my eyes go cross. Nothing in my brain really works for a while after that. Then everything else go wrong right behind; first I lose feeling in my leg then my headache gets worse, then I slowly feel like I am a little lost with in myself. Every things in my brain seems to be working just on the slowest pace possible. This is something I hate. This is something I don't get to say. I hate it. There thank you.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Welcome to fathers day! I have to admit that I deeply enjoy fathers day. I am very connected to my father in so many ways. Even though we don't talk very much, he is always there if I need him. Mostly we have just never had anything in common on the surface. I was his last child and only girl and he was 41 when I was born. By then his hearing was already going to gone. (mostly just his ability to hear my voice however)
I was raised by a man who loved to make people laugh. I can't remember a time when he wasn't trying to make some one laugh. Deans laugh can be heard from miles away. When he laughs it rumbles from is heart right on out, I have to say I haven't heard it near enough as of lately though.
My father would do anything for anyone. He is the most giving man I know. I can't explain to you how many people we helped over the years. I am amazed at his ability to give with out wanting anything in return. He was always willing to go rewire someones house for free or pasture an animal for nothing for at all. I can remember people living with us for years at time even though my parents were struggling.

I didn't know my dad growing up very well. He wasnt a large part of my youth. he worked a lot to support our family. He wasn't always the perfect father; I know that lots of things went wrong in my childhood. He was trying though. I know that he always thought he had my best at heart. I know that he never tried to hurt us. I know he tried to lead our family in the best direction that he could for a long time. I know that sometimes that isn't how it worked out.

I don't know why sometimes it hard for me to say what I am trying to get out. Why is that sometimes the words just flow from you like water from a well and sometimes it is like pulling water from a cactus.

My father quit drinking again about three weeks ago. This is the first time I have seen him actively trying to better his life in a long time. I am anxious to see how long this lasts. If he has enough faith in himself to make this commitment to his life. I personally know that quiting something you love is really hard. It is hard to leave something behind that has been such a crutch to you over the years. I am proud of him today. I can tell you I don't have very many sober memories of the man that I call Dad. He was pretty drunk for a long time. I didn't know it then but, I don't think I saw him with out beerfor almost 12 years. It is hard to imagine what kind of toll that has taken on his body not to mention his spirit. He used to be a very active member in the LDS community but, left when I was a child. I believe that is when he started drinking; I am not for sure of that though. I don't want you to get this wrong however; my childhood was pretty smooth sailing. I didn't know much of what happened behind those closed doors. I didn't realize a lot untill about six years ago when stuff started making sense.

My father IS a great man who has been through a lot and I am proud he is my father. I couldn't have asked for a different father. He is the man that created me and cared for me. He may not be perfect but, he is my dad and I couldn't have done anything with out him. He taught me a lot through his struggles and his successes. He had a lot of both just like me. My dad is such a soft soul and I adore everything about his.

I Love you Daddy

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Nie Nie

Dear Stephanie,
How can I explain how much of a inspiration you have been to me. You are a strong, amazing, and beautiful. You have over come so many challenges always looking to god for strength and guidance. I am humbled by your faith and conviction in the lord. I look to you as a pillar of life. Stephanie; your story brings me to tears but, not because of how sad it is all is but, because of how it has change you. How strong you have become. How your sharing has change and become it's own energy. The truth behind your words always cuts me down to my soul. I face my challenges differently every time I think of you and how you have come to your.

The love you share with the world is a beacon of hope. When you open your voice to the world they listen. You open your heart with out thinking twice. A radiance of light come from every stroke you type.

Your family is the poster family for moral support and greatness of what can come from tragedy. Yet, every tragedy has a gold lining for you it has been a new world. I understanding of wanting to live. I can't imagine the pain you have came through. I am in awe of your wisdom and clarity for life. Your love for your family is something that comes from fairy tales. The way you have always spoken of christian is a love that not many will never experience. You have found the perfect match for you and I am so happy for you.

I am having writers block right now... amazing right? Me with out words... Doesn't happen much. I have been struggling Stephanie, life has been hard these last few months. Life has been silent, unknown, and unfilled. When I think of you Stephanie it is hard not to cry. Not because you have had it so badly but, because you are so lucky. You have such a incredible ability to impact those around you. I am sitting here listening to your video; I listen to it a lot to be honest. I have had trouble hating god when I think of you. I have trouble not just being in awe of how much he has spoken with you. How you have felt the spirit in your heart. How you have continued to choose God. I am proud of you, and envious at trust in god and gods plan. I am thankful that you have mentored me so much in faith. I know that I don't always look like I am hearing you but, I promise I listen. How well you have listened to your own heart. How you have stood in many troubled spots. i am blessed to know you.

I hope you know that you are not the only person trying to bring back home them selves. I hope you know that you are so brave when you say you are not your body. Some times I scream it when I am alone. Then I breath really deep and think all the wonderful things in my life are.

i love you, stay strong my friend.


When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:

I want the light weight of your beloved hands to pass their freshness over me once more:

I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you.

I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you smell the rains aroma that we loved together,

to continue to walk on

I want what I love to continue to live

and you whom I love and sang above everything else

to continue to flourish.

So that you can teach every one of the love we shared

so that my shadow can travel along with you.

So that everyone can learn the reason for my love song.