Monday, May 30, 2011


We found ourselves in the wonderful SLC this weekend so I could meet Sean's best bud Scot. Scot recently moved to SLC from Sanfran for work. It was a large move for him so it felt like the right time to go down and  visit.
    It is always intresting to meet someone new for the first time. The need to be accepted is always there right along with the anxiety of not liking your mans best friend. Lucky for me Scot was great. Artistic, strong, different, and most of all a great guy. I had a great time showing him the city that was once mine. I love Salt Lake for so many different reasons that it was nice to be able to showcase the best of them for him.
    We came home yesterday and slept in, cuddled and had a overall great night just us too. I love being able to watch a movie lay low and have a nice evening together. With no distractions, and a lot of time to just be.

 This upcoming week is going to be a blur... So hang tight. School ends, summer starts, schedules change... awesomeness.

can ugg

Can ugg some up a entire feeling for this feeling?

Monday, May 23, 2011


I have a poppy!

Signs of summer are every where. It is slowly pushing my slight depression out the door. Those hard realities seem to sink in from time to time and ruin my ultimately positive world. I believe I have said it before I am here to enjoy what ever is left. I am here to be here to love, laugh, cry, and give back. I am here to be a positive force for those around me. The last few weeks I am not sure I have had the strength to do just that. I have been in my yearly slump feeling sorry for myself. Then I woke up this morning with a list of tasks to do that was more than a  mile long; Deadlines that needed met, real estate classes that need attendance. 
       Why, I am down? I am the luckies girl alive ! I have out lived my life by over a year and I am still going strong. No more fainting spells, leg problems, and constant migraines. I was am so lucky for all the advancing in medicine or I wouldn't have this to do list. I wouldn't be giving my child pink eye meds. I wouldn't have these chances to be upset at our local school district.
   Once again I am humbled by my selfishness. Today is a great day because, yes I am here.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Do you ever just loose your self in a emotion that comes on so suddenly that you did not even realize you were thinking about it?

     I was mowing our lawn a couple days ago and was swept with this large amount wave of emotion. It came on so quietly that I barely knew what to think when the tears started to fall down my cheeks. I was listening to Mumford and Sons crying softly while hearing the sweetly constructed word of Marcus. I always feel awkward crying; some one must be watching and passing a judgment on the odd girl crying while riding her lovely boy's red lawn mower.

    The amount of anger that was running through me was uncontrollable. I feel hopeless that while SO many things are getting better there is still NO cure. I will continue to see these same problems forever.  Alone you always feel alone when I move through all of those crazy emotions. I have trouble explaining the pain that runs through my body everyday.

     I awoke last night from a deep sleep and for a moment I thought I was cancer free. For a moment a weight lifted from my shoulders and suddenly I was free... Then I realized it was a dream. How fucked up is it that I can get my own  hopes up while not even coherent? Seriously? WTF?

      I am breathless tonight but, my toes are painted... always a plus sign.

Dress up

Dress like Jesse party.
    How often do you get to dress up? Halloween if you get off the next day? You're sister's ugly bridesmaid dress? or even worse whit trash day at the local bar? All of these are small play in comparison my wonderful group of friends that love to have dress up parties. I love watching everyone's personal dream land coming to life. I love the life that comes out. I used to be caught up in the idea of being someone else; I used to love the feeling that tomorrow I got run away from my day's of cancer treatment into a dreamland of people.
    Lots of things have change since then maybe not the big ones though there are still dinner, kids, love, and cancer but, now costuming has changed. I love the idea of shopping at all the local thrift shops for just the perfect shirt or shoes. It is the hunt that calls me these days. I love having to search it out find anything that you may be able to alter into a piece of your imagination. Bringing you idea's to life is inspiring no matter how you are doing it. 
   We are off to a movie premier tomorrow night with a large group of friends and costumed are not only encouraged but required... hee hee
Pictures coming soon. 

    P.S. Treatment is going well. It looks like we may have a tumor eradicated from my body for the first time via radiation treatments! I will let you know how the scan goes.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I am me

This is me...

                                    I am just me.

 I am fine with me.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Ken Turns 50!

Remember your barbie collection? Remember Ken? I know he was the first man you saw with out his boxers on right? Well here is what he would look like now... Hee hee

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Bad Blog... Bad Blog.

Okay here goes... Why do I feel so worn down? I have lost so many of the other side effects: fainting, seizures, headaches... But  it has been replaced by the want to sleep all the time. I forget everyday why I am SO grumpy. Then it flashes in front of me.. I am still in radiation. I am still get blasted EVERY day. No wonder I feel like this right? Then why is it so hard? Why do I feel like a prisoner of my own body some days?
    As Sean goes to work out at the gym. I am home feeling guilty about it. I feel like I am letting him down. Getting fat and letting him down. I Know this isn't the reality but, I hear the disappointment in his voice when he calls and asks if I am coming and I say no.... Maybe it is my own guilt I hear. As my tummy grows more and more out of shape I grow more tired and lazy... LAME.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Blog Following

   I awoke this morning and logged in as normal to view all my wonderful blogs that I follow and blog about whatever my mind could find. Then suddenly as I stare at my dashboard it states..." You are not following any blogs at this time; to learn more click here? " It created a moment of panic, seriously what would my morning look like with out my blogs? I was surprised at how lost and unconnected to my "friends" I felt. I have a run of friends that I speak with everyday or see but, my "friends" here online are just as much friends as my blog friends. Maybe even more than because it is always a truth. This is where we go to speak the truth. To be able to say anything and not be judged. To speak your mind, work out your problems through writing them down, releasing anger, fear, depression on to our own "pages". So to say the least I felt like my day may have started off wrong.
   It is crazy windy here today; looks wonderful outside until you glance at the trees swaying in the breeze. I am really happy that it is almost spring however, I am just ready for 75 all the time. I am ready to mow the lawn with a t-shirt not my jacket with a hood. I look so silly out there with my coat, hood, and corona light. WOW.. silly.
   Mother's day weekend was silent around our house. Eli went to his mothers and the girls got to see their Oma and Opa from back east.  I missed the girls and felt a little empty with out all the kids. We watched a awful movie, played pool, went to sushi, and then played cards until bed time. It was nice, yet a little off.
  I have been thinking a lot about the death of Bin Laden. I am sad that we have made his death a celebration. I know he killed so many people yes, and it was awful yes but, when did we start celebrating death? I am sad that our world has come to celebrations of death. He was a horrible man I know but, wow I have no desire to have a bbq to clink glasses over the death of someone. I know others will disagree greatly but, it is a death.  I morn for the people that died at his hands, I believe he should have paid for those deaths but, I will not celebrate a death. Just as I do not support a rape for a rape, a death for a death is not a act that will become a act that I am proud of. Maybe this feels un-American but, I am silenced by my wishes for a different way than war.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Picture stories

Sean taught Koda how to ride her bike without training wheels!

Corbynn "it is warm enough to get in the the sprinklers"

Smile pretty?

Hello yes it is corona time.

Schools send home noise makers for parental enjoyment.

She could not have been happier that it was warm outside.

Early mothers day basket from the girls!


Add caption

They were right on. The sun was a little strong yet.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Birthday, Bike ride, and a Beer.

Our little BBQ peoples

The Boys

Sean Master Chef

Sean not mastering the heat
Fun in the lawn
Stella the Great

Bike ride by Boise river

Cute bridge

Sean and I