Thursday, May 19, 2011
I was mowing our lawn a couple days ago and was swept with this large amount wave of emotion. It came on so quietly that I barely knew what to think when the tears started to fall down my cheeks. I was listening to Mumford and Sons crying softly while hearing the sweetly constructed word of Marcus. I always feel awkward crying; some one must be watching and passing a judgment on the odd girl crying while riding her lovely boy's red lawn mower.
The amount of anger that was running through me was uncontrollable. I feel hopeless that while SO many things are getting better there is still NO cure. I will continue to see these same problems forever. Alone you always feel alone when I move through all of those crazy emotions. I have trouble explaining the pain that runs through my body everyday.
I awoke last night from a deep sleep and for a moment I thought I was cancer free. For a moment a weight lifted from my shoulders and suddenly I was free... Then I realized it was a dream. How fucked up is it that I can get my own hopes up while not even coherent? Seriously? WTF?
I am breathless tonight but, my toes are painted... always a plus sign.