Thursday, May 19, 2011


Do you ever just loose your self in a emotion that comes on so suddenly that you did not even realize you were thinking about it?

     I was mowing our lawn a couple days ago and was swept with this large amount wave of emotion. It came on so quietly that I barely knew what to think when the tears started to fall down my cheeks. I was listening to Mumford and Sons crying softly while hearing the sweetly constructed word of Marcus. I always feel awkward crying; some one must be watching and passing a judgment on the odd girl crying while riding her lovely boy's red lawn mower.

    The amount of anger that was running through me was uncontrollable. I feel hopeless that while SO many things are getting better there is still NO cure. I will continue to see these same problems forever.  Alone you always feel alone when I move through all of those crazy emotions. I have trouble explaining the pain that runs through my body everyday.

     I awoke last night from a deep sleep and for a moment I thought I was cancer free. For a moment a weight lifted from my shoulders and suddenly I was free... Then I realized it was a dream. How fucked up is it that I can get my own  hopes up while not even coherent? Seriously? WTF?

      I am breathless tonight but, my toes are painted... always a plus sign.


  1. I do understand that loneliness.
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

  2. I am sorry Maggie that you understand that loneliness but, god it means a lot to me.

  3. Your toe looks wonderful, love the color :-) honestly I wont fully understand what you go through on a day to day basis . but I can tell you this, reading few of your posts have given me a new perspective to my own life. May god give you the strength and courage

  4. Man, I love a classic red pedicure (and what pretty feet you have.) You can keep your nail art and french pedicures and all that--red is the essence of class in my book.

    I'm sorry for your suffering. I'm sorry for the inexplicable unfairness of it. I know I don't fully understand the isolation of chronic illness, and yet, after 54 years of life with all the good and bad that come with them, I do realize that feeling completely alone is part of our human experience, and I've been to that lonely hurting place before. No one gets to come into our pain with us. It's nice if you have people who want to sit with you while you go through it, though.