Saturday, July 28, 2012

Today

I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I would like to say that I don't know why but, I do. I have lost direction in my blogging. My life has change so much over the last two years it is amazing. Yet I now see why I have been feeling so lost.

Nothing is going to be the same as I once thought it was. Maybe death was like a smooth riding safety net. No matter how horrible it was it was going to be over. Life would have gone on with out me. It would have been hard for a lot of people but, it would have been done. No more treatments no more pain.

Well life is different. Endless treatment options, lots of pain, and more than anything a totally loss of identity. Who am I if I am not Kayla who's diying of cancer? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Do I really want to be any of the things that I thought I needed to be to get though this?

I am not sure.

I am not sad.

I am not depressed.

Just lost.

Friday, July 6, 2012

been hiding.

Life has been complicated. 

My heart has been heavy. 

My two best friends lost a parent in less than ten days. 

It is amazing how much pain I feel for them. I look into my own life and feel so much thankfulness for my own parents. Even though I know their time is too coming. 
I wonder how my girls will deal when my time too comes. 
I hope that they have many people to hold them up strong.

My best friend Tara is incredible.
She is the mother I look up too. I have to believe that she learned it from 
her own mother. 

When I see her with her babies I am in awe. 
Her ability to be there to share with them is beyond what I have ever had. 

She talked at her mothers funeral about a travel in a bubble to see people.
A pink bubble with buttons on the side. 
She could go anywhere and see anyone in her bubble with her mother. 

Now her own children are taking the bubble to see granny. 
She stays strong on every trip to see her mother.

She crawls into bed with her children at night and cuddles.
She is an incredible mom. 

My other friend is more of a sister...
We have been friends for over 22 years.
Lost her father last Sunday.

Her father was an amazing man 
more of the silent type that stood by and listened when things were low.
He was always there to talk or just sit and stare at you until you worked it out yourself.

To say the least two funerals in a week for my best friends parents 
was a just hard.

I love them. I feel for them. 
They are my favorite people ever. 
I am so sorry.