Nothing is going to be the same as I once thought it was. Maybe death was like a smooth riding safety net. No matter how horrible it was it was going to be over. Life would have gone on with out me. It would have been hard for a lot of people but, it would have been done. No more treatments no more pain.
Well life is different. Endless treatment options, lots of pain, and more than anything a totally loss of identity. Who am I if I am not Kayla who's diying of cancer? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Do I really want to be any of the things that I thought I needed to be to get though this?
I am not sure.
I am not sad.
I am not depressed.
Just lost.
My mother is also a cancer patient. But Jesus change us through her--- when we first heard the news, it was stage 4 lung cancer but i never gave up on believing that God will heal her. After 2 weeks, it was down to stage 2. First miracle. Now her cancer cells had decreased and she's living a life with Jesus.
ReplyDeleteI know what you are feeling. And the feeling of being lost is normal when we are in the midst of trials and difficulties but you know what, God loves you! And I do too. I don't know you, but I will pray for you whatever it is that you're going through.
Like the parable of the lost sheep, the shepherd never gave up on looking for the missing 1 out of the 100. He never stopped until it was found. Maybe you are lost for now, but one day you will be found. You just didn't know the way yet---
The only way, is Jesus. I am the way the truth and the life--- no one comes to the father except through me.
I will pray for you. :)
Kayla, I have gotten out of blogging too and started again at end of my quarter.
ReplyDeleteWhat poignant questions you ask. I don't know what it is to know I am dying, though I am everyday closer to my death. I have identified myself so often by how I am known to others and in turn the way I know myself. I hope you discover the answers you seek. I wish you great strength and courage and most of all love.
((((((((((((())))))))))))))xxamy
Girl. I loves ya.
ReplyDeleteWe should chat sometime.
See I avoided my blog so well I didn't even know I had these wonderful comments. I love you all. Thank you. And yes lets chat more.
ReplyDelete