Friday, October 18, 2013


I think a lot of times all we talk about online is the nice cushy shit. Well life just isn't that cushy. Life is hard with many ups in downs. Our bodies, mind, relationships all change. 

I know a lot of people that get to the late twenties and early thirties that say they feel so amazing because they have finally found themselves. I am starting to believe we are in  a constant  state of change as your values, family status, career change. Just as you start to feel secure in what you are something changes whether it is a goal or a huge life change.

I am luckily in my late twenties and feeling like I have found myself and am on the right track. I feel confident that if I keep doing what I am doing that I WILL succeed. I will make it in Real Estate, as a manager, and hopefully as a owner of the next ten years. 

My husband on the other hand is in year 18 at the same company. He is in his early 40's and starting to go through another change. His goals are changing not to mention some of the goal he set when he was my age aren't completely finished or are completely of track. 

I won't go into to much detail cause it isn't mine to share, but the effects on our family are. It is hard to see him stress and anxious. It is hard not to take on shame that my husband is struggling. I have a hard time not taking on his stress and being stressed due to his stress. 

Anyway... anyone have some advice.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

NOT mine but totally in love.

Stolen... From unknown source. But i LOVE IT

I want to love you.
I want to love you if you are male or female, young or old, single or married…

I would like us to share the couch together, rather than sitting so far away where we may as well be sitting on brick blocks seated four feet away. Lay your body atop mine. 

I want to show up to you and look into your eyes instead at your eyes. I want to feel your hand and be consumed by it until the rest of the world ceases to exist. I want to be in your presence and be in want of nothing.
I would like you to leave our time together feeling loved and free and full of your most vibrant and luscious hue ofyou-ness.
Please do not get confused: I do not want to have sex with you—whether you are male or female.
I have no sexual agenda, as you know, because we laugh at the freedom we feel to speak to strangers for reasons other than because we have to or because we’re hitting on them.
For me, sharing sex with someone requires a certain alignment, and I do not take that lightly. My sex requires that I can possibly foresee living with a person and combining all my stuff with all of their stuff (and I mean physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual stuff—the stuff that just feels heavy if it’s not the right fit, but feels buoyant beyond imagination when it is). It is delicate, it is careful, it is not presumptuous or impulsive.
And I do not think that our connection is somehow weakened because we do not share our bodies with each other.
For love is love is love is love, and that is what I want.
Now I realize that at some point, either you or I may change our minds and crave sexual expression with each other.
For I am human—as are you—and we have wants that change and grow.
But if that desire should spring upon one of us, I hope that we will talk about it, the way we talk about the universe, cultural tropes, the nature of depression, what makes a good cup of coffee, and how your day was yesterday.
I hope that that topic of conversation is no more avoided than talking about the latest episode of Doctor Who or how to effectively clean one’s mouth from Oreo breath.
I would like you to share yourself with me—every stitch of you—so that I may be warmed and nourished by your tapestry. And I would not like you to worry that some of your threading is inappropriate or uncomfortable to share with me, because I am only here to accept you exactly as you are and to take interest in the way you step through life.
So lay on me your doubts, your troubles, your faux pas, your suffering, your sadness. Lay on me your hopes, your dreams, your excitements, your curiosities, your guilty pleasures.
And while you tell me all of this and more, I would like to rest my eyes upon your eyes, and take my hand upon your back, and laugh up to the ceiling as you divulge, because it is in these moments of pure exposure that I bask in the ever-so-specific you, and I become the ever-so-specific me, and even though you’ve never stepped into the tides of the pacific and I’ve never ridden a skateboard, I am more sure than I’ve ever been that we are the same.
I don’t care if I see you everyday or if I see you only just the one time when I happened to be in that coffee shop and you happened to be making my drink (which was delicious, by the way, and thank you for not rolling your eyes when I asked if your only non-dairy milk was soy)—I want to be your lover.
And I will have the lover whom I share a bed with, and it will be none the less—on the contrary, that love will be all the more—because I take on another million lovers.
So if you’re ready, let me see you and let me love you.
My insides, my arm, my couch, my laugh, my eyes, my toes are all for you.
I hope that is enough.

My house

     My home has exploded!!! why is it when my Sean and I are both home sick the house is just a total mess. It was like the perfect storm of stuff.
     My brother came over and painted our bathroom and re-stained the deck. So there is evidence of home improvements every where. Between that and our own general lack of cleanselness our house has hit and all time low. HOLY DISHES... seriously.

      This whole joint parenting thing is a bitch. There was a time that I thought I had it made. We had weekends off and a lot grown up time. I was living the single life and the family life it was awesome. It isn't so awesome anymore. It is getting harder and harder to share the girls. Between activities and friends the girls just seem to be missing out. This week is the school carnival and I am painting faces. The girls can't come because its their dads weekend.
    There is a lot going on there and it is hard. It is all very hard. I feel like I am pressed between a rock and a hard spot with all the family drama. That I have never had before.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Check in

I had a amazing six month check up... that check up stated that I don't have to come back for 6 months! Do you know what that means? I don't, but I am hoping that it means that things are getting better not worse. The last time they told me not to come back for six months; they didn't t expect me to come back at all.

The girls seems to have grown so much over the last few weeks. They haven't been babies for a very long time but, they still were my little babies. We now have these amazing adult conversations. It is hard to imagine that they have gotten to the point where they have a concept of life. They know what is happening in the world and want to talk about. I makes me sad and excited at the same time. Koda will be nine an a month. I just have a hard time imagine that in just that many more years she will be an adult... CRAZY

Here is the photo drop you're all expecting.

The starting of Halloween decorations at our house

My awesome Goodwill find

Pool with Corbynn

She is getting pretty good