Monday, August 23, 2010

A day of oddities and Seattle

I have to admit sometimes a couple days worth of strange saying has brought my days from glum to a little better.  Drill a whole in it. Is one of my favorite new little comments. We found this item that we had been looking for. We bought said item and were looking for the attachments to it, that no one seemed to carry... but they all seemed to think that Drill a hole in it was a answer to our problem. They wanted to sell us a different attachment that they all sold that did not fit it. So far the last week... Drill a hole in it has become my answer for anything that does not fit or when I am looking for an alternative. It makes me smile when I hear myself say it.

My second little saying for the week is "Normally I would say that is trashy but, it looks good on you" So I was sitting eating breakfast in Seattle and this older well dressed with probably the best old lady hair I had ever seen walked up to me and said extacly that. Normally I would say that is trashy but, it looks good on you. I was unsure what she was speaking of at first. My hair? Tattoos ? or my outfit? I am still unsure what she was refering to. At first I was offended to the core. All I could think was you B***ch then suddenly this sense of pride started inside me. She thought that something about the way I looked which normally  turned her off looked good on me. I think that may be the best compliment that I have ever recieved. I have been saying it every time I see a person pull off a look that I would normally hate.

Seattle was amazing I went over to clear my head from all the fog that I had been feeling about life. Recharge and reconnect. The drive there was profound as always the amount of thoughts that you can process when you are left with nothing else to do but think. I felt calm when I pulled in to Seattle. I could smell the ocean coming off the sound. There were real building, art, people roaming the streets, cocktail bars,and open air restaurants . I would do just about any thing to live in that city. Seattle makes me feel vibrant again. On Saturday we took a fairy across to Widby Island and drove all the way up the island stopping at all the wineries sampling their wines. Then we crossed back over and we were almost at the Canadian border we stopped after the bridge and looked out too the ocean. We decided that we should climb down the rock face and have a bottle of wine one the rocks out in the ocean. So an hour of climbing later we sat on the rocks and drank wine and talked about everything that was happening in our lives. Then it hit us that we were going to have to climb back up this rock face to get to our car. ... umm Drunk? we better get moving. We made it back up and waited a long time to drive back into Seattle for a much needed shopping break. Let's just say it was awesome.  I really felt alive again.


I feel like communication styles can be so different. That tone, intention, and guilt seem to come into play no matter who you are talking too. I am having a hard time communicating the way I want to. I feel like I don't know how to communicate correctly anymore. My words feel twisted and abused against me. I know that is not the intention however it is how it comes across. I feel attacked and misunderstood even when I think I am explaining myself clearly. Why can't I do this right? I don't know how to fix this problem. I feel like everything I do is wrong anymore. I can't talk with out being attacked my phone rings constantly with accusations. I am starting to believe that the people  I am communicating  with doesn't understand me at all. I am feel alone in my own relationships, honestly I don't know I know this isn't fixable.

I haven't ever known myself to give up or let some one out of my life. I am friends with every person I have ever dated. Yet, I feel now that I am growing up things have changed. I do not need to have all those contacts any more. I left this relationship feel broken and unable to breathe. I am amazed at how violated  I have felt through this relationship. I have never felt like I did not have any thing that was mine before. I felt he thought he could just go through every thing I owned. I still feel like I was a object that he owned. I felt like a possession to be kept close looked over.  I felt like I could not go anywhere with out a explanation of who I saw, sat by, talked to, looked at.. When I went out my phone would ring over and over again... if it was not ringing it was going off from text messages. If I did not reply with in an hour. I was ignoring, avoiding, or worse doing something that I was hiding from him. Then it was absolute that a fight was coming my way. He talked about me behind my back and lied to me about it. Like I wouldn't hear about it from everyone. I feel so betrayed. He accuses me of hurting the children. Did he not see that I was hurting.

Yet, he is so charismatic, beautiful , and caring all lot of the time. When I was sick he was here for me. He carried me from room to room when I couldn't walk. Held me when I seizure into his arms, brought me medicine food, and water. Stayed up all night worrying about how I was doing. His smile could light up a room. He is fun, excited, and interesting.  The best way to describe my feelings right now is gray.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

8 days

Dreaming about simple times
I feel overwhelmed in my current situation. School starts tonight at 6 and goes until 10, I am unprepared and feeling a little behind the curve even though the class hasn't started yet.  I was late on my first two assignments due to their being now syllabus available; so I couldn't do the assignment with out a outline. Not sure if she is going to dock our class on this yet.

Relationships are hard, confusing, and frequently painful; when things aren't going according to plan. I don't know if I am cut out for the cookie cutter relationship. I feel awful inside for this a lot of the time, like I am not giving the right things to make them happy. I struggle with the ideals that have shaped me and the ones that I would want to possess; even though they are not in my nature.  I wonder if I go for the things that I want instead of the things that I know work for me. I feel like I spend a lot of time hurting partners because; I am not that perfect Betty Crocker. The one that is home all day and waiting patiently for someone when they get home, that comes to visit, and spends the day awaiting those calls, that want to share every thing with someone. I know most of my friends would die for the kind of man that wants to care of you however, I am not that girl. I want a guy that understands that I am a strong, spontaneous, and I hate explaining my self all the time. I hate accounting for every moment it makes me feel like I am on a chain. Once you feel like you are on a chain you pull, pull, and pull trying to free yourself'; right?  Then I feel like I can't talk about how I am feeling because every time I do it get turned into something I did wrong. Which I have to admit when I am under this kind of stress I tend to just not say anything any more. I feel like a cage animal being poked out during these times.
I think my struggles with relationships come from cancer. I want to live all the life that I can. I want to spend one on one time with everyone I know. I want to be able to go places and experience things alone because, I want to be able to say I did those things. I love new moments, experience, spontaneous amazing things. Like walking in cemeteries, running in the rain with some girl you don't know and hiding under the eaves together and talking about boys, drinks, exchange numbers and become friends. I love the little things and I don't always want to share those moments with any one either. Cancer has brought me to a place that I like my space. I like to be able to have time to just be sick by myself and be able to think about life. I want to be able to wonder what someone else is doing, thinking, missing. I want to be able to really miss some one.

I feel lost, unsure, and scared.
I will wake up with better clarity tomorrow.

Wish me luck first day back to school!!

Monday, August 2, 2010

way late

Life took hold and away I went. Summer can be oddly out of control yet so rewarding. I am surprised how much I enjoy the little things. The hot sun against my skin and the cool pool right underneath me, hummingbirds flying around our house, steaming evenings on our porch swing and the look in the girls eyes when the night is over and everyone is ready to crash.
I am learning about what it takes to make a better me.  Have you ever had trouble admitting you need or want help? I am always amazed at my continued belief in myself even when I shouldn't have any. I don't know how to ask for help; it has always been on of those taboos about being independent. I have been a busy bee lately and forgot how fragile my life is. I struggle with the idea that I could at anytime be forced out of this life and into the next. Love will keep me alive right? Those people that I should have asked for help will carry on a legacy behind me of love, right? I wonder all the time how to leave little pieces of me in this world for my girls to follow.

My ex finally managed to make me upset after almost three years of getting along seamlessly he went and did it again.  He moved in with his new girlfriend this weekend; only giving the girls a couple days to deal with the move. Corbynn didn't seem to mind much however, Koda had a breakdown about not wanting to leave with her, not liking her other children, and overall not feeling comfortable in that life style.  When I comforted Matt about he didn't seem to care. He just wanted my support in letting him be happy in his life. It is not that I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be beyond happy; it is that I want to feel comfort about who is with my child. I am having flash backs of the movie step mom right now. How scary is that; I feel like I am that lady though. I want to scream at the poor unaware girlfriend about everything that she is doing wrong. Then I want to hug her even if I am angry and jealous of her. Jealous just because she has the chance of being with my children forever.