Tuesday, August 10, 2010

8 days

Dreaming about simple times
I feel overwhelmed in my current situation. School starts tonight at 6 and goes until 10, I am unprepared and feeling a little behind the curve even though the class hasn't started yet.  I was late on my first two assignments due to their being now syllabus available; so I couldn't do the assignment with out a outline. Not sure if she is going to dock our class on this yet.

Relationships are hard, confusing, and frequently painful; when things aren't going according to plan. I don't know if I am cut out for the cookie cutter relationship. I feel awful inside for this a lot of the time, like I am not giving the right things to make them happy. I struggle with the ideals that have shaped me and the ones that I would want to possess; even though they are not in my nature.  I wonder if I go for the things that I want instead of the things that I know work for me. I feel like I spend a lot of time hurting partners because; I am not that perfect Betty Crocker. The one that is home all day and waiting patiently for someone when they get home, that comes to visit, and spends the day awaiting those calls, that want to share every thing with someone. I know most of my friends would die for the kind of man that wants to care of you however, I am not that girl. I want a guy that understands that I am a strong, spontaneous, and I hate explaining my self all the time. I hate accounting for every moment it makes me feel like I am on a chain. Once you feel like you are on a chain you pull, pull, and pull trying to free yourself'; right?  Then I feel like I can't talk about how I am feeling because every time I do it get turned into something I did wrong. Which I have to admit when I am under this kind of stress I tend to just not say anything any more. I feel like a cage animal being poked out during these times.
I think my struggles with relationships come from cancer. I want to live all the life that I can. I want to spend one on one time with everyone I know. I want to be able to go places and experience things alone because, I want to be able to say I did those things. I love new moments, experience, spontaneous amazing things. Like walking in cemeteries, running in the rain with some girl you don't know and hiding under the eaves together and talking about boys, drinks, exchange numbers and become friends. I love the little things and I don't always want to share those moments with any one either. Cancer has brought me to a place that I like my space. I like to be able to have time to just be sick by myself and be able to think about life. I want to be able to wonder what someone else is doing, thinking, missing. I want to be able to really miss some one.

I feel lost, unsure, and scared.
I will wake up with better clarity tomorrow.

Wish me luck first day back to school!!

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