Tuesday, March 29, 2011


   I often wonder how people set their priorities? What makes one thing more important than another? Does what they place upon that importance on indicate a moral standard? Can you ever be upset wen someone doesn't place the same importance on some thing as you may? I understand that this is why we have bosses at work to set those priorities but, what about at home? Can you tell some one that the importance they place on one thing is ever less than one of your own?
     I find myself with my feeling hurt tonight. I know that their is no way that he could have known that I would be hurt. Nor that he could have known how important it was to me. I understand that I need to breathe and just let it pass because it is no ones fault but my own that I am upset.
      We passed a very small milestone in our relationship recently and even though you would not normally celebrate for it... well a lot of couples do but, for most it is just one day along the way to many more. For me though it is a lot more. I was never suppose to see this year let alone another relationship. I was never suppose to experience this milestone again. I was suppose to be six feet under and yet here I am the happiest I could ever be. I felt it was a huge milestone to me. I never mentioned it or thought to plan anything yet I felt forgotten when the day came and passed.
  Today, I feel hurt and sad even though I know it is my own fault. As Sean has a most needed night out with the guys I am home feeling let down. I know dumb girls right? I don't know what I wanted. I am not sure if it would have changed this strange feeling but, I am just in a place where celebrating my life with some one is a dream that I never thought I would get. I know this won't be a fairy tale I am not naive by any standard even though this feeling is due to that fairy tale.
    At least I know that I am unfairly upset at Sean. That should help the feeling pass. I think being home with the kids 24/7 makes my a little crazy. I know that I wanted to stay home and actually RAISE my children . Not let someone else but, I give it to you stay at home moms hand down.. It is hard, I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is. I used to stay home a lot but I only had 50/50 custody now that I have more custody and more kids wow... I understand.

When this was your motto for five years how do you deal with stress, being disappointed, overwhelmed, and just plain not so sure? 
    I think most of my stress just boils down to not getting out of the house enough, not having enough stay at home friends, and FOR SURE feeling unsure what to do with my life now that I am not planning my own funeral so closely.... Suggestions?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

News Room

Lot of exciting stuff happening over here at the this house... Much to tell but, for now I will keep you waiting.

      As all of you know I getting ready to get my guts out. I am really excited that this is going to be my last very painful period of my life. The last five days have been from hell. I have some tumors that are making my monthly visit very difficult I must say. I have always had rough periods but, now I have crippling periods that make my old hard periods look like love birds. I have been in bed for days with my heating pad and wonderful man bringing my drugs so I don't shake/cry/whimper myself to bed every night. I have kept this couple up every night this week with night sweats, constant moving, and horrible pain. With these abnormal pains I am once again having abnormal dreams this very morning NASA broke in my house stole all of our clothes and let me with knee high sock and some boy cut underoo's that said "booty" then they took all my money went into my back yard and got into their sub marine that was parked in my pool. Go pain pill dreams. Let me know if you can top this. 

         First bit of wow news is... I am starting a Real Estate company. I grew up in Real Estate and grew to love everything about it. I couldn't have asked my family for a better way to help me understand running a bussiness. My dad always seemed to just know how to do it. We always had Real Estate agents, parties, and great friends. I am excited to get my own chance and running a business myself. My wonderful father is going to come out of retirement to help out and let me get my own feet wet. So if you are in the market to sell, buy, or even rent out your home I will be up and running very soon! To say the least I am looking forward to having business that I believe in again. I can't wait to be able to help people again. When I was a Real Estate agent the first time around. I always felt great. I felt a sense of pride to what I was doing. Not to mention I was and still am a wonderful agent. Now I am just hopefully going to be a wonderful company owner as well. Stay tuned for more updates!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Crazy Sexy Cancer.

     I am making some big changes in my life right now as most of you know. This whole cancer thing just makes you want to make some changes. So, over the next few weeks I will be doing some assignments, getting new meal plans, hitting the gym, and letting go of all this pain. Sound good? I hope so because that is the plan.
      First off I am committing to making it to the gym three days a week. Two days for sweating and weights and one day for yoga or some other group class. Try to meet some new people and pull Corbynn and I out of the house for a couple more hours a week. Not to mention giving my body some much needed attention. I am looking a little squishy these days.
        I am also going to make two of my meals during the day either fruit or veggies nothing else. Getting away from all of the chemicals in our food. I am going to work really hard to make myself more aware of what I am putting into my body considering that is what is going to help fight this Cancer. 
          Along the way I am going to be using Crazy Sexy Cancer as a resource and support group. If you have not heard of Kris Car then you should look her up. She is inspirational, young, and looking for the cure. Loving her books and just her all over personality not to mention she is kind of a bad ass. Which not sure if you can say for many of the ladies out there.

   So keep your eyes peeled for some upcoming transformations!


      We arrived home late Friday night after an exhausting but, successful trip for the most part at least. It was emotional, stressful, and relieving all at the same time. It was hard watching Sean's reactions to all of the situations. To see him upset yet  not showing much emotion toward it. There were times where I wanted to scream and Sean was calm. I am always surprised at how different people deal with different emotions and feelings. I bottle up and stop talking while others scream, I cry when others stay almost emotionless. It is incredible what the mind is capable of. In the end the week was full of mystery and sadness.
         We did go out and sight see a bit which was a lot of fun. We saw View Point out side of Portland and the Falls. It was nice to be able to set things aside and enjoy parts of the trip. We also went out for St. Patrick day and that was a complete blast. I couldn't have asked for a better St. Patrick's day.
         Sean lost his watch which broke my heart. The only gift I have given him and it is somewhere lost in Portland. He is upset about it too. It hurt me even though it was a complete accident. (blaming the hormones) Yes, they are taken the blame for my many bad moods this week and more than likely the week we are getting ready to start. I hate hormones with a passion these days.
            We are going to have to return to Portland soon to get into the storage unit that we couldn't get into due to not having the correct death cert. That is a bummer but, what do you do? Who knows what will come of all of this. For now I am just along for the ride.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


      Sean and I arrived in Portland yesterday! It is rainy and beautiful. The stressful part of our weekend is hopefully over. We picked up Sean's fathers ashes from the memorial funeral home. Have you been to one of those lately? They are just a little odd.. I felt as if I was stuck in six feet under. The lady was very nice even helpful but, if that is not one of the worst jobs ever. The hardest part of that whole experience was the "Rod" can in a very pleasantly wrapped box with gift bag with name tag that did not describe who owned said gift but, a discription of contents. There wasn't a urn in the whole place that seemed to fit... So we left there with gift wrapped "Rod" in tow. We couldn't help but laugh the irony and saddness could only come out in a laugh at that point.
       We then went to pick up his personal affects at his last known residents. The people were very nice, sad, and talkitive. The women stared at Sean with an expression I did not reconize that I can only assume was shock. Sean looks a lot like his father and she looked at sean as if the love of her life had just flashed before her eyes. I thought for most of the time we were there that she was going to break down and lose it but, she never did. Sean ended up giving the women his fathers car because she had taken care of him for such a long time. They had been friends for a long time it seems.
     The whole experience is something out of a fiction novel at times. More to come as this journey continues.

Pictures too promise.


        Sean and I baked cookies side by side tonight (aka about three days ago); it was wonderful. Sean said it best "See the world does go on" After weeks of chaos we still bake cookies, pick up kids, tuck kids in, make lunches, and snuggle. So, even as we grief for Sean's father, worry about Japan, get ready for my surgery things still move forward. We are still a family who makes time for each other. The last few weeks have been overwhelming but, at the end of the night my life is wonderful.
          I did a three day fast along with a salt water flush which may have made me a little crazier than normal. I can tell you that I am getting way better at telling myself no. I made it through four dinners and a lot of lunches and snacks for the kids with out much temptation. I did stop fasting tonight and had a egg and a piece of toast and a home baked cookie (which my tummy is very unhappy about) but all in all I feel better in side and out.
        Stress is part of life; we can't control it we can only manage it to the best of our abilities. For me that has usual meant to just stick it on the back burner and look away while it cooks in the back of my brain for a couple weeks till I explode. Now I am learning to process stress and release immediately so that I can still enjoy the day. It is a hard change and it isn't happening all at once but, slow progress is still that progress.
      We talked of all the changes my life has seen in the last year from schools, new relationships, new leases on life, and step children it is no wonder I have felt amass lately. My brain hasn't had the chance to even find a silents space let alone let myself have one it it was found. So for today... I am just letting those things ride. I have made progress and I will continue to.


Just posting the drafts in my edit pages today.

One of my closet friends is living in Northern Japan. He is okay and has been in contact via Facebook and email. I feel so blessed that he is safe. It is hard to believe how fragile our world is. That everything can be destroyed within seconds. As we sit and wonder how well people are surviving, pray for humanity and holding our childrens hands. I wonder how we make it through everyday with out this sense of fear? I believe it is healthy to have a little fear in your day in order to truly respect the treasures you have. I tend to forgot how blessed I am. How much love and happiness I have in my life. I grateful I should be as things change and shift. I am happy to be safe and I am sending love and light to Japan.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


  Feeling very sad tonight; things have just been running rapid the last few days. Sean's father unexpectedly passed away yesterday. So, we are in the day to day motions right now. It was so unexpected considering we were planning on leaving Monday to see him. It is hard when they had been so estranged over the last few years. Not that either one had done wrongs just that they did not keep up a relationship. So there is grief in our house today. Luckily Sean's mom has been here to help keep us distracted and level.
     For reasons unknown to me Sean's father passing has brought up a lot of emotion for me. My brother and I have been estranged for years. We never found a understanding for each other. We have lost a lot of respect for one another and had events take place that has made a relationship not an option. It makes me sad to think of him. He is going through a rough time right now; I want to reach out to him. Let him know how much I love him, hug him. However, he is to emotionally removed. He doesn't want me in his anymore. I am not sure if he wants any of our family in his life. He certainly hasn't made a attempt to keep us in his life. His friends have been his family for a long time. 
     I feel a overwhelming sense of sadness, anger, resentment, grief that we may never have a relationship again. That I have to sit to the side lines and watch him go through hard times. When I see his face it brings tears to my eyes. When I can see him in pain looking so very damaged. When I can't be the one there to talk with him. I know that I can not help him. I can't fix his problems. I can not be his best friend. I just wish I could call him and have him receive that call with open ears.  
    I would tell him how proud I am of him for buying a house. I would tell him how happy I am that he is happy in his marriage. I would tell him that I loved him even though we have so many differences. That I miss our good times. I do not believe that we will ever how a chance to have those conversations nor am I positive I would be able to say those things with out bringing up the past. 
   I hope my brother finds peace in his life.
   Tonight I broke down laid in my closet and cried. I am unsure if I was overwhelmed or grieving the losses that our effecting our family. I know it felt good to finally cry it all out; to let everything go. The cancer, family, loss and just the stress of our lives.

I will tell you this: I never asked for it to be easy but, it shouldn't be this hard.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I took a little break from blogging over the last few weeks. It was time to live a little more and write less:
    It has not been a easy couple weeks. I have had writers block nothing was falling on the page. I tried many times to sit down and write but, nothing came and what did was nothing below the surface.

   We have been busy my parents moved to Eagle to be closer to the girls and I. It is amazing how much stuff you can collect in 35 years of marriage. My parents are no exception it took days to sift through all of their stuff. My mother is amazing though and had almost everything packed in boxes by moving day. My father, mother and I moved everything out in two days. Sean helped unload a couple loads but, was stuck at work for most of the hard work.  I have to say moving fridges is not the way I want to spend another day for a LONG time.
    It was hard leaving that house. I have spent so many years with that being home. My place to run when things are bad, my childhood home. I was not sure if I was going to be sad or relieved that it was no longer home. It was both. I felt relieved that I could release many hard memories from my past and saddened that I would no longer make memories there. That home has been mine for so long. I lived there through a husband, boyfriend, single days, motherhood, sickness. It is strange how much energy you put into a home. Even though it never truly felt like home. My parents were so broken when the purchased it, and are still broken now. Maybe that is why I do not cry for the house; because it was never a home.

 Sean and I took a small vacation over the weekend to go snowboarding in Salt Lake City. It turned into a disaster however, my new boots ended up not fitting. They hurt so badly I wanted to cry for my poor bruised feet. We 124 dollars on lift passes for 3 runs... TOTAL FAIL...
 We decieded to go out to a fancy dinner Friday night to bad that the WONDERFUL very expensive French food was deadly. Step two horrible horrible food poisoning . SERIOUSLY???  not now. I could go more than twenty feet away from a bathroom from there on out. If this wasn't enough...
    Sean got some devastating family news from his estranged father. It took the air out of my lungs and for sent me into a panic. Sean was calm, well in shock and I completely broke down, I couldn't breathe, I wanted to scream, I was shaking. I am unsure if it was for Sean, for me, or just from stress. It felt as if the world was just going to continue to pile it on. Maybe the world is binding Sean and I so close that we will never fall apart. Or maybe this is just life curve balls in all. I know that Sean and I are stronger for every one that we make it through and that I am thankful for them still. We will have a lot of decisions to make over the next few weeks. Emotions to sort through as we go to Portland and see Sean's father who he hasn't seen in a decade. I am worried for Sean but, looking forward to him been able to close up some long loose ends.

 As for me... My hair is growing. My stress is high, My cancer is on a second burner until later. For now I am rock in a storm for someone that has been my rock through many storms.