Monday, June 28, 2010

Tea Parties

once upon a time three little girls wanted to tea party. As most of us know I am not much into the creative side of life. I am more of a lets keep it clean and not make to much of a mess that I need to clean up later. However these were new friends and I felt like it was time to make a bit of impression to make this a fun adventure. So we made crowns and draped cloth for a wonderful tea party.
To bad that Koda is violently ill with heat stroke and kept throwing up through out her party. I felt horrible for her. She was tired and sick and really needed to just lay around. The rest of the kids did awesome went swimming and played around inside, then outside.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

a day in pictures

Out side playing before I got ready for the day

Teaching a friends little one to use my camera

Stolen Binkies

My feet at the park

Ontop of something tall

hanging upside down like a little monkey

totally tired and using self timer mode

Attach of wet, wet, wet dog

Loving my new use of self timer. However,  exhausted and wishing there was someone around to take them

tired and now relaxed. If I had one of me sleeping it would be full circle today

favorite shot of the day!


Electroencephalography (EEG) is the recording of electrical activity along the scalp produced by the firing of neurons within the brain.[2] In clinical contexts, EEG refers to the recording of the brain's spontaneous electrical activity over a short period of time, usually 20–40 minutes, as recorded from multiple electrodes placed on the scalp. In neurology, the main diagnostic application of EEG is in the case of epilepsy, as epileptic activity can create clear abnormalities on a standard EEG study.[3] A secondary clinical use of EEG is in the diagnosis of coma, encephalopathy's, and brain death. EEG used to be a first-line method for the diagnosis of tumors, stroke and other focal brain disorders, but this use has decreased with the advent of anatomical imaging techniques such as MRI and CT.

Derivatives of the EEG technique include evoked potentials (EP), which involves averaging the EEG activity time-locked to the presentation of a stimulus of some sort (visual, somatosensory, or auditory). Event-related potentials refer to averaged EEG responses that are time-locked to more complex processing of stimuli; this technique is used in cognitive science, cognitive psychology, and psychophysiological research.

I had a EEG done this week, it is my second in the last month. I can't really explain to you the amount of anxiety this causes me for something that isn't that big of a deal. I hate when they decided to mess with my brain in ways that I cannot control. Secondly it is really weird deal, you go in and they set you in this super comfortable chair attach millions of little sticky things in your hair. Tell you not to sleep or eat before hand and want you to think you are going to have a relaxing forty minutes to sit. In all reality they want you to seizure or show signs of low or high brain activity. For me they look at my brain tumor and what kind of issue it is causing for me currently. They then compare this to my MRI and look for pattern that could show what kind of changes are taking place in my brain. They ask you to breath really fast, then they ask you to be calm, then suddenly they pull out the crazy flashing lights. Wow it is odd. Not  a very enjoyable experience. The people are nice but, they are like the ones that draw your blood just kinda there. Not to mention they have this secret hope that you freak out I think.
  This also creates fear for me. The fear of getting worse. I hate that they can track what is going on. Sometimes not knowing is something of a blessing because knowing can be horrible. I hate that some days I just don't remember anything some days, my body hurts and I just want to quit all treatments. I want to live a normal life where the doctor isn't a normal experience for me. I am grateful for the help of doctor, nurses and my now amazing family. I am grateful for the amount of comfort I get from blogging and reading other peoples inspirational stories. I am AFRAID of dying with out truly living.
Food for thought. You are what you eat. Tomorrow I start eating just clear liquid does this make me translucent?

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I picked up my little ones at my fathers farm this morning. They had gone out to the farm to enjoy some starberriers and treehouse fun. My dad told me that they sat in the starberry batch for an hour picking and eating starberries. Then they played in the sand box until I arrived to retrieve my munchins.  At first glance I wasn't sure if they were mine. Mudd, straberry juiced faces, black feet, and crazy laughter. I couldn't believe how dirty these two little girls have got in less than three hours.  They looked like someone had taken a gargage pale and unloaded it on to them. They were insanely happy and funny.  Koda laughing away at grandpa who was happy just to have them there. Her smile just ringing through her eyes. She is incredible child with so much depth and senserity. Her way of making everything matter; she knows how to turn a second into a moment. She knows how to hug like a mother hugs a child. She is older than her years by lifetimes. I can't tell you how much I love this child.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Going blonde

   I made a drastic change this week. I am now officially a Blondie. I haven't been a blondie almost five years it is so odd to see your self completely different. I am always up for a change however most of the time it is just a hair cut and some highlights in my really dark hair.
   My daughter prompted this change. I was talking to her on the phone the other day and she told me she really wanted me to look like her. She wanted me to be a Blondie so she could say she got her hair color from me. It was one of the cutest conversations I had ever had with her. She wanted to be just like mommy even if that meant dying her amazing hair red, so that we all looked the same. Koda was tired of being odd kid out; which she really isn't her father has dark brown hair, I have medium brown with a little red, and Corbynns bright red hair can't be ignored. So we are all kind of odd out. She was so happy when she saw me, she lit up and started screaming. She is such a sweet old soul. I am humbled by my daughter ability to give and be completely selfless. I am learning everyday that she is such a powerful woman. I can't wait for her to grow up. I want to see what she will become as she continues to change with time.  I can only imagine her as a teenager: tall, skinny, beautiful and elegant. She is going to be a striking woman with power behind her. She is currently a amazing talented girl with so much light. I am so in love with this child.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Do you ever use fear as a crutch?  I find myself using fear as a way not to live my life. Do you ever hear your self saying.

I am not ready?
I might fall.
They might reject me.
what would the neighbors think?
I am afraid to tell my Husband/wife?
I might get hurt.
I may have to change
It might cost me money.
I would rather die first.
I don't want anyone to know I have a problem.
I am afraid to express my true feelings.
Don't want to talk about it.
I don't have the energy.
Who knows where I might end up?
I may lose my freedom.
I don't have enough money now.
It's to hard to do.
I might hurt myself.
I might lose friends.
I don't trust anyone.
It might hurt my image.
I might die before I am done.

I know that I have let my fear of dying control my fear of living. I have let my fear of failing stop me from pursuing most of my dreams. I know that my self doubt has cost me my confidence. I know that my fear of god has led to my struggles with love, religion, church, men, and most of all myself.  I am choosing not to let fear take charge of my life. I am who I am I shall not fear who I may become if I try to be me. 

I am making room for the new in my life with that; the old has to go. All the spiderwebs in the corners of my rooms have to go. I need to let go of all the pain in order to make room for the new and improved. I have been letting go of all the things that I have been holding on to, in order to hold my life back in my hands again. I have lost something, I am going to find it; I PROMISE.  I have been keeping people in my life that weren't here for me and were just pieces of memories that I still wanted to hold on to. It wasn't that any of them were really friends; they were all just pieces of a life that happened to be mine. Not letting go of the past keeps me from moving forward with now. I have been using the past and people from my past to keep me in this never ending state of nothing. I haven't let myself grow in years; the fear of who I would be was too much. I want to see the change that I know I am capable of.

A positive affirmation came to me today.  Some days I forget there is such a thing as positive growth.  Here ya go.
In the infinity of life where I am,
all is perfect, whole and complete,
Change is the natural law of my life,
I welcome change, I am willing to change.
I choose to change the words I use.
I move from the old to the new with ease and with joy.
It is easier for me to forgive than I thought,
Forgiving makes me feel free and light. I it is with joy
that I learn to love myself more and more. The more resentment I release, the more love I have to express.
Changing my thoughts makes me feel good.
I am learning to choose to make today a pleasure to experience.
I am one with my creator today. All is well in my world.

Monday, June 21, 2010

On me

Waking up this morning was something of a trick with the girls back in town. I am used to a couple hours to figure out how to wake up. My brain truly doesn't function that early, there are layers of fog that need to lift. I can't really focus and my brain truly hurts. I have trouble keeping track of myself that early let alone two little girls that want early morning fun ei: outside adventures, play dough, cutting, any craft must include loud noises. I at this time in the morning want caffeine or tea and some quiet time. I know that I just don't do mornings anymore. I used to love to wake up before the sun came up and stay up way to late. These days I believe I should be in bed at 7pm in order to wake up at 8am... I know this is sad but, SO SO true.

My brain feels like it is on fire today. It burns when my eyes see the sun. I get this feeling like everything is going black and then the little bubbles start in. I try to ignore the signs the best I can but, a seizure is on the way whether I like it or not. Most of the time I find a floor and lay down and hope that it is small and I don't go unconscious. Sometimes, I just lay on the bed and pray that it never comes. It always does, the prayers don't save me from that. I know that however it feel good to talk to someone in that moment that can't say anything back. I don't pray that things will get better to be honest, I only pray that it will stop. I sit there in my silence while my muscles jerk uncontrollably and my eyes go cross. Nothing in my brain really works for a while after that. Then everything else go wrong right behind; first I lose feeling in my leg then my headache gets worse, then I slowly feel like I am a little lost with in myself. Every things in my brain seems to be working just on the slowest pace possible. This is something I hate. This is something I don't get to say. I hate it. There thank you.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Welcome to fathers day! I have to admit that I deeply enjoy fathers day. I am very connected to my father in so many ways. Even though we don't talk very much, he is always there if I need him. Mostly we have just never had anything in common on the surface. I was his last child and only girl and he was 41 when I was born. By then his hearing was already going to gone. (mostly just his ability to hear my voice however)
I was raised by a man who loved to make people laugh. I can't remember a time when he wasn't trying to make some one laugh. Deans laugh can be heard from miles away. When he laughs it rumbles from is heart right on out, I have to say I haven't heard it near enough as of lately though.
My father would do anything for anyone. He is the most giving man I know. I can't explain to you how many people we helped over the years. I am amazed at his ability to give with out wanting anything in return. He was always willing to go rewire someones house for free or pasture an animal for nothing for at all. I can remember people living with us for years at time even though my parents were struggling.

I didn't know my dad growing up very well. He wasnt a large part of my youth. he worked a lot to support our family. He wasn't always the perfect father; I know that lots of things went wrong in my childhood. He was trying though. I know that he always thought he had my best at heart. I know that he never tried to hurt us. I know he tried to lead our family in the best direction that he could for a long time. I know that sometimes that isn't how it worked out.

I don't know why sometimes it hard for me to say what I am trying to get out. Why is that sometimes the words just flow from you like water from a well and sometimes it is like pulling water from a cactus.

My father quit drinking again about three weeks ago. This is the first time I have seen him actively trying to better his life in a long time. I am anxious to see how long this lasts. If he has enough faith in himself to make this commitment to his life. I personally know that quiting something you love is really hard. It is hard to leave something behind that has been such a crutch to you over the years. I am proud of him today. I can tell you I don't have very many sober memories of the man that I call Dad. He was pretty drunk for a long time. I didn't know it then but, I don't think I saw him with out beerfor almost 12 years. It is hard to imagine what kind of toll that has taken on his body not to mention his spirit. He used to be a very active member in the LDS community but, left when I was a child. I believe that is when he started drinking; I am not for sure of that though. I don't want you to get this wrong however; my childhood was pretty smooth sailing. I didn't know much of what happened behind those closed doors. I didn't realize a lot untill about six years ago when stuff started making sense.

My father IS a great man who has been through a lot and I am proud he is my father. I couldn't have asked for a different father. He is the man that created me and cared for me. He may not be perfect but, he is my dad and I couldn't have done anything with out him. He taught me a lot through his struggles and his successes. He had a lot of both just like me. My dad is such a soft soul and I adore everything about his.

I Love you Daddy

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Nie Nie

Dear Stephanie,
How can I explain how much of a inspiration you have been to me. You are a strong, amazing, and beautiful. You have over come so many challenges always looking to god for strength and guidance. I am humbled by your faith and conviction in the lord. I look to you as a pillar of life. Stephanie; your story brings me to tears but, not because of how sad it is all is but, because of how it has change you. How strong you have become. How your sharing has change and become it's own energy. The truth behind your words always cuts me down to my soul. I face my challenges differently every time I think of you and how you have come to your.

The love you share with the world is a beacon of hope. When you open your voice to the world they listen. You open your heart with out thinking twice. A radiance of light come from every stroke you type.

Your family is the poster family for moral support and greatness of what can come from tragedy. Yet, every tragedy has a gold lining for you it has been a new world. I understanding of wanting to live. I can't imagine the pain you have came through. I am in awe of your wisdom and clarity for life. Your love for your family is something that comes from fairy tales. The way you have always spoken of christian is a love that not many will never experience. You have found the perfect match for you and I am so happy for you.

I am having writers block right now... amazing right? Me with out words... Doesn't happen much. I have been struggling Stephanie, life has been hard these last few months. Life has been silent, unknown, and unfilled. When I think of you Stephanie it is hard not to cry. Not because you have had it so badly but, because you are so lucky. You have such a incredible ability to impact those around you. I am sitting here listening to your video; I listen to it a lot to be honest. I have had trouble hating god when I think of you. I have trouble not just being in awe of how much he has spoken with you. How you have felt the spirit in your heart. How you have continued to choose God. I am proud of you, and envious at trust in god and gods plan. I am thankful that you have mentored me so much in faith. I know that I don't always look like I am hearing you but, I promise I listen. How well you have listened to your own heart. How you have stood in many troubled spots. i am blessed to know you.

I hope you know that you are not the only person trying to bring back home them selves. I hope you know that you are so brave when you say you are not your body. Some times I scream it when I am alone. Then I breath really deep and think all the wonderful things in my life are.

i love you, stay strong my friend.


When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:

I want the light weight of your beloved hands to pass their freshness over me once more:

I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you.

I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you smell the rains aroma that we loved together,

to continue to walk on

I want what I love to continue to live

and you whom I love and sang above everything else

to continue to flourish.

So that you can teach every one of the love we shared

so that my shadow can travel along with you.

So that everyone can learn the reason for my love song.

Let be.

Wake up world I am here to play. I can't tell you how much I am in love with just living life today. How many days do we miss just in the Monday mode. I am grateful for this chance to live the way I want to. The choice to have the friends that I choose to have and the life style that I am comfortable with.

The girls are on their way home today. I can't believe how long it has been since I have seen them. It makes my heart ache for them. I can't imagine being away from my mother for eight weeks and I am a adult. I can't wait to hold Koda in my arms, to smell her hair to feel her snuggle into my lap. I can't wait to hear her little voice. I want to lay on the floor with my child and look at the stars and talk about the life we live. I can't wait to see her. Corbynn hasn't hardly spoken because she has been too busy. That child is so much like me it isn't even funny. She is so smart it kills me. I want to brush teeth, hold hands, read books, and be a part of their little lives again. I couldn't be happier that they are coming home. I AM A MOTHER AGAIN... Couldn't be happier.

I am learning to let go; I have never been one to let go. I don't know how to let my hair down, which might explain why my hair has always been short. I am letting go today and letting it just be what it is. I am rolling down the windows, open the sun roof and singing at the top of my lungs. I am listening to bad 80s music, thinking about first kisses and last kisses. I am happy to be alive today. I couldn't have asked for a better life, I love my family.

Hugs and kisses to Nienie... I am so happy you are home.

On a medical note, I am off all my meds for the next ten days to see if they are causing problems. So I am coming off a lot of things all at once. I have one month to get healthy and make sure that I am ready for the next round of fighting.

So here is to day two... Time to get in shape.

P.S.S. if you haven't been to you need to go there and check it out.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

a movement in time

I hear often of a time movement when things start moving much faster than you had ever wanted them too. However, after thinking a long time about such a movement... I realized that when you are little this time takes longer. When you are five a YEAR is a long time, when you are twenty five a year is not so long; one fifth of your life is a lot longer than one twenty fifth. I have a love hate relationship with this time. I want everything to slow down. I hate that sometimes everything is spinning past me. I am getting older and older. I know that is doesn't seem that old but, sometimes I feel like I am getting that old. The word adult comes to mind. I hate feel like said adult. That means I have to grow up: I have to be a grown up.. I don't want to be a grown up. Then suddenly I realize I already am. I have two kids, a home, a family and a darn dog that keeps eating my outside furniture. Can you say grown up any other way. I don't want to lose my play-fullness, my joy in new adventures, my innocence about life. Those are things I value. Sometimes when you grow up you forget about everything. The joy of your feet in the grass, the stars above your head, my favorite heels as the click down the hall way, a kiss, the butterfllies that twirl in my stomach, a new born child, the wonder in anyones eyes mostly mine. Those things seem to go away when you grow up. I don't want to lose the things that I LIVE for; I live for them. I like to still feel the wonder in my eyes.

I miss my girls with such a pain that i can not describe. I cry for them at night. I want to hold them again. Two months is TOO long to be with out your babies. I want them to come home now. SEND ME MY BABIES>>>>> get it got it good. Okay off that rant. Koda has now lost both her front bottom teeth. I have missed being a tooth fairy twice. She looks so old right now, I can't wait to see her. I love how she is growing. She was crying tonight on the phone, there for I was crying also. I hope she is being read to at night, cuddled in and sang too. I hope she is being loved in every right way. That is comes and lays in bed in the morning with her oma and has cuddle time. I hope that is what she is getting right now. Lots of cuddle time.

I am haunted in my sleep currently, I fall asleep like a child in her mothers arms. Yet I sleep like I am on nails. What is tormenting my sleep? I am unsure the dreams go from joy to pain so quick. I am unsure how to control my thought coming to them through out the day. They are amazing in ways that I can not explain yet the have this undertone of sadness that is just overwhelming

Friday, June 4, 2010

I know I know...

It has been a fast couple of weeks with a wide variety of emotions and confusion. I struggled to sit down and really clear my thoughts to write to you all. I know that I go everyday to the blogs I love to check for updates and I know that I haven't been here for a few days. SORRY>>> won't happen again.
Bryan had a breakdown these last few weeks. He has been struggling with depression for a long time. He also has diabetes which makes things even harder to keep the depression under control. He hasn't been facing the realities of his life. It makes me sad to watch some one so amazing struggle so hard with something that he can't see. He has trouble admitting that he has any problems at all let alone that he is dealing with mental illness on top of it all. I don't know if I have ever really talked about my first boyfriend who killed himself about ten years ago. So I have a real soft spot for mental illness. I sometimes struggle with being too soft when it comes to that. I don't know what to explain, I just am understanding to a fault. It sometimes leads me to being a little manipulated into being a little bit of a push over. I understand that he needs to move on with his life because his actions have led to me having a unhealthy level of stress. I know this but, I struggle to let him go. It is really hard to trust that he is going to be okay. I worry about his well-being all the time.

On another note however, my brother and his wife bought their first house and moved out!!!! It is wonderful. I have my master bedroom back! I am so SO SO thankful for my bathroom. I have to admit that cleaning it was horrific. I don't believe they had cleaned it ever. There was so much mold in the shower. The mold was yellow and black and all the way up the walls. I can't believe that amount of bleach and scrub that it took to clean it. My mother repainted for me and now I have a blue wall and some really white walls. It feels so clean... I am at ease in my home again.

I had a seizure this week. I landed my self in the hospital for a few hours. I also received a great ambulance ride there. I love them. I am struggling with losing my independence. It is hard to think someday I will not be able to be left alone. I can't imagine losing all of the alone time I have grown to love and treasure as part of my daily lifestyle. I am saddened by this new course in my life. I feel overwhelmed by the idea yet so comforted by the amount of support I am getting from family and friends. I have never felt so loved by some and so not by others. Being sick is one of those things that is just a open reminder that some friends are fair weather and some are there no matter what the reason or the cause. I will update with some pictures of my new room tomorrow.

I have been thinking about my life lately but more than just my life but, the life after this. I have been realizing how strong my faith really is. It may not be the normal type of faith. It isn't perfect however it is strong. When I lay my head down at night, I am thankful for the day. I am thankful for chances I have to make a impact on this wonderful world I live in. I am so thankful for my family, children and friends. That is faith.