Monday, June 21, 2010

On me

Waking up this morning was something of a trick with the girls back in town. I am used to a couple hours to figure out how to wake up. My brain truly doesn't function that early, there are layers of fog that need to lift. I can't really focus and my brain truly hurts. I have trouble keeping track of myself that early let alone two little girls that want early morning fun ei: outside adventures, play dough, cutting, any craft must include loud noises. I at this time in the morning want caffeine or tea and some quiet time. I know that I just don't do mornings anymore. I used to love to wake up before the sun came up and stay up way to late. These days I believe I should be in bed at 7pm in order to wake up at 8am... I know this is sad but, SO SO true.

My brain feels like it is on fire today. It burns when my eyes see the sun. I get this feeling like everything is going black and then the little bubbles start in. I try to ignore the signs the best I can but, a seizure is on the way whether I like it or not. Most of the time I find a floor and lay down and hope that it is small and I don't go unconscious. Sometimes, I just lay on the bed and pray that it never comes. It always does, the prayers don't save me from that. I know that however it feel good to talk to someone in that moment that can't say anything back. I don't pray that things will get better to be honest, I only pray that it will stop. I sit there in my silence while my muscles jerk uncontrollably and my eyes go cross. Nothing in my brain really works for a while after that. Then everything else go wrong right behind; first I lose feeling in my leg then my headache gets worse, then I slowly feel like I am a little lost with in myself. Every things in my brain seems to be working just on the slowest pace possible. This is something I hate. This is something I don't get to say. I hate it. There thank you.

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