Wednesday, June 9, 2010

a movement in time

I hear often of a time movement when things start moving much faster than you had ever wanted them too. However, after thinking a long time about such a movement... I realized that when you are little this time takes longer. When you are five a YEAR is a long time, when you are twenty five a year is not so long; one fifth of your life is a lot longer than one twenty fifth. I have a love hate relationship with this time. I want everything to slow down. I hate that sometimes everything is spinning past me. I am getting older and older. I know that is doesn't seem that old but, sometimes I feel like I am getting that old. The word adult comes to mind. I hate feel like said adult. That means I have to grow up: I have to be a grown up.. I don't want to be a grown up. Then suddenly I realize I already am. I have two kids, a home, a family and a darn dog that keeps eating my outside furniture. Can you say grown up any other way. I don't want to lose my play-fullness, my joy in new adventures, my innocence about life. Those are things I value. Sometimes when you grow up you forget about everything. The joy of your feet in the grass, the stars above your head, my favorite heels as the click down the hall way, a kiss, the butterfllies that twirl in my stomach, a new born child, the wonder in anyones eyes mostly mine. Those things seem to go away when you grow up. I don't want to lose the things that I LIVE for; I live for them. I like to still feel the wonder in my eyes.

I miss my girls with such a pain that i can not describe. I cry for them at night. I want to hold them again. Two months is TOO long to be with out your babies. I want them to come home now. SEND ME MY BABIES>>>>> get it got it good. Okay off that rant. Koda has now lost both her front bottom teeth. I have missed being a tooth fairy twice. She looks so old right now, I can't wait to see her. I love how she is growing. She was crying tonight on the phone, there for I was crying also. I hope she is being read to at night, cuddled in and sang too. I hope she is being loved in every right way. That is comes and lays in bed in the morning with her oma and has cuddle time. I hope that is what she is getting right now. Lots of cuddle time.

I am haunted in my sleep currently, I fall asleep like a child in her mothers arms. Yet I sleep like I am on nails. What is tormenting my sleep? I am unsure the dreams go from joy to pain so quick. I am unsure how to control my thought coming to them through out the day. They are amazing in ways that I can not explain yet the have this undertone of sadness that is just overwhelming

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