Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Midnight Thanksgiving shopping.

Thanksgiving is not my favorite holiday by any means. I personally hate cooking and when you hate cooking you end up doing a lot of cleaning there for I usually tend to avoid all Thanksgiving activities. This year I am not so lucky, I am home for the Holidays in every since of the word. I am in Boise doing the family things.
My mother enjoys midnight shopping so she called and scheduled her shopping time for right after the girls go to bed on her lunch break today. So I spent my day really thinking about how much I hate food shopping. Let me tell you it is not fun, I get no enjoyment out of this. Not to mention I was up really early with the girls and spent half my day trying to sleep off this horrible headache that never leaves. The girls went to school today and made all kinds of Thanksgiving coloring stuff. It was fun to see the look on Koda's face when grandpa Dean let her stick it on his fridge. She is so excited by the littlest things. Which makes me happy to know she get it. She knows that the small stuff matters. Koda understands that the point of bubbles is to play in them even when they get up your nose and every where else. She understand it is in her greatest duty to play and enjoy every moment of playing in the sea of bubbles. I like that about kids.... JOY.
My mom can and got us up from our preshopping nap and off we went to walmart and then to winco because walmart didn't have enough stuff when does Walmart not have enough stuff that is all that is there is stuff. Around every corner of Winco ,I could hear Bryan screaming what I paid twice what said item was one sale for at winco. Something about the way he screams joy makes me smile on the inside or maybe it is just the fat kid screaming in the little kids body as he looks forward to family cooking tomorrow. I love the way he get so happy about everything.. He makes me happy about food. I don't even like eating let alone cooking. I should look into raw living just to avoid it. Mom found a turkey but in order to get said turkey she had to spend fifty bucks so she spent the entire Winco time trying to spend more so she could save 60 cents a pound. My mom is a go getter she came out on top spending eighty. Never doubt the power of mom to spend money.
Can't wait to see how cooking plays out three strong adults cooking in one kitchen. I am staying on the couch.

week at home...

This week has been one of those weeks of joy and pain. My brother and I have spent the last few months recreating our relationship. It has been hard for both of us not to keep going over the past. We have spent very little time over the past twenty four years on good terms. Mostly due to us being stubborn and hating what we see in the other person that is so much like what we see in our selves. I can't deny I feel more at home than I every have here. Coming home to a commune is something that I have always wished for. I have not ever really felt at home here. Maybe due to the fact I was a growing adolencent and wanted everything to be my way or the fact that I really thought there was some other family out there that was better than my own. I was wrong. My other families that I have created are great and are ever changing who I am but, my blood family knows me like the back of their hand. That is love.

I have been spending a lot of time with Bryan lately. (a friend of my brothers) He has brought a new way of feeling into my life. I think I had forgotten how I feel. I have spent so much time hiding my feeling from others that it has been a total relief to have someone to share them with. Not to mention it has opened up my eyes to letting other people know I am in sad, angry and some days in pain. It has been a interesting to know that people want to know how you feel. They want to feel connected to you. I am working on being more open with how I am thinking and feeling when someone asks how I am.

I have been moving through all the feeling that come up daily; I like to think that I don't feel what other people think I should feel. I try to believe that I am okay with leaving this earth so early but, I am NOT. I feel powerless against the cancer, no matter what I do this will prevail over me. I know that I am not powerless in what I do with the time I have. That I can make massive changes in people lives by sharing my story. However, I am just not sure that it makes up for the time I am losing out on. Does anything make up for the thought of missing your child's wedding or her first kiss. It doesn't mean it is going to happen but the percentages aren't in my favor right now . I am conflicted by the pain and the joy that this has brought to my life. I am amazed to hear that I make a impression on the people I meet. Sometimes I don't see those changes; they are there either way.

I dressed up for a goonies party this week and sat around with my family and laughed at us being the only people dressed up at the whole party. It was well worth it just to be part of us all getting dressed up. We danced, did trivia, danced, and talked the night away. When we got home at three am I felt renewed and close to a family that I haven't felt a part of for a very long time. I have my sister back ie: My brothers wife.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what matters to me in my life: Family is now back on the top of the list... I won't be removing it anytime soon.

Well: Experience will always be number one.

hold tight more to come later on this evening.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Sperm Bucket

Being home is like a warp time zone the people never change and are always on the same rant. I don't think I have seen a sperm pool like my home town. Where everyone you know is having sex or did have sex with one of my close friends. I swear, some days I wonder what friends old bumping buddy just became mine. It is like a wedding where you give some one something old and blue now you just get it still blue and not so used...
Cancer and sex don't seem to go together so nice. I wonder all the time if it is like a safety net for men, she isn't going to make it much longer so it is a safe bet to say she isn't going to expect me to get to attached or even committed to the relationship. It is the cancer lotto, one girl three maybe five years and a lot of everything with no ring involved.
It would be dumb to say that I don't want that all consuming love anymore, I just don't expect to ever really obtain such a feat. I am happy with the moments that I am being given. It is a gift getting to spend time with people that don't have to give that time. I chance to learn something new everyday... What can I say I will take it.