This week has been one of those weeks of joy and pain. My brother and I have spent the last few months recreating our relationship. It has been hard for both of us not to keep going over the past. We have spent very little time over the past twenty four years on good terms. Mostly due to us being stubborn and hating what we see in the other person that is so much like what we see in our selves. I can't deny I feel more at home than I every have here. Coming home to a commune is something that I have always wished for. I have not ever really felt at home here. Maybe due to the fact I was a growing adolencent and wanted everything to be my way or the fact that I really thought there was some other family out there that was better than my own. I was wrong. My other families that I have created are great and are ever changing who I am but, my blood family knows me like the back of their hand. That is love.
I have been spending a lot of time with Bryan lately. (a friend of my brothers) He has brought a new way of feeling into my life. I think I had forgotten how I feel. I have spent so much time hiding my feeling from others that it has been a total relief to have someone to share them with. Not to mention it has opened up my eyes to letting other people know I am in sad, angry and some days in pain. It has been a interesting to know that people want to know how you feel. They want to feel connected to you. I am working on being more open with how I am thinking and feeling when someone asks how I am.
I have been moving through all the feeling that come up daily; I like to think that I don't feel what other people think I should feel. I try to believe that I am okay with leaving this earth so early but, I am NOT. I feel powerless against the cancer, no matter what I do this will prevail over me. I know that I am not powerless in what I do with the time I have. That I can make massive changes in people lives by sharing my story. However, I am just not sure that it makes up for the time I am losing out on. Does anything make up for the thought of missing your child's wedding or her first kiss. It doesn't mean it is going to happen but the percentages aren't in my favor right now . I am conflicted by the pain and the joy that this has brought to my life. I am amazed to hear that I make a impression on the people I meet. Sometimes I don't see those changes; they are there either way.
I dressed up for a goonies party this week and sat around with my family and laughed at us being the only people dressed up at the whole party. It was well worth it just to be part of us all getting dressed up. We danced, did trivia, danced, and talked the night away. When we got home at three am I felt renewed and close to a family that I haven't felt a part of for a very long time. I have my sister back ie: My brothers wife.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about what matters to me in my life: Family is now back on the top of the list... I won't be removing it anytime soon.
Well: Experience will always be number one.
hold tight more to come later on this evening.