Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A smile

That is my goal for the day. Just a smile is all I have to do to meet my goal. If you have ever read the four agreements then you understand; there are days when your best can only be YOUR best. There are days when I can’t make things happen. There are days when I barely make it out of bed. I can only expect what I am capable today; every day is different and not every day is doable.
          I am struggling with losing Jon. He has been like a father to me over the last year. He fought cancer with a smile too. He gave me hope for better days. Jon was incredible.  I can’t seem to think right now; almost in a state of shock. I watched him growing weaker and weaker even though it was hard to see the truth. That one day if they can’t cure my cancer; my family, my children, friends will watch my life slip away. Maybe that is what makes this harder than normal; that I have to face my own reality and the absolute loss of a friend. That absoluteness is a void that is so amazingly hard to ignore. Not many things are absolute but, death is.  I haven’t been able to blog really because my thoughts just rush through and it hurts too much to think of him struggling through these last few days before he could rest.
          The problem with having cancer is you bond with people who also have cancer. You make friends at the hospital, support groups, your neighbors anyone with cancer you seem to bond with. The understanding of your trials brings you closes. Knowing the fears, symptoms and losses pulls you together like magnets. With that you see them win their battles and unfortunately lose their battles. So, you experience death more than you should. I struggled to face death for many years thinking that somehow I didn’t feel the loss. Not knowing that at a point I would feel all of that loss. It started when Brett died; I felt the pain I laid in the bathtub for an hour crying. I hadn’t cried in what felt like years. Then another friend passed and now with Jon. I am once again struggling to push those feeling away.  I close my eyes and try not to cry and push those tears far away to not feel that emptiness that you feel inside. It seems to bubble and settle then bubble again. I know it isn’t all for the person but, it is all pain.

Friday, July 22, 2011

For Jon

For Jon

        Your strength, your love, your amazing look on life has made an impact that words cannot describe. I am here hoping that your last moments are calm, peaceful, and with all the love that the world has. I am saddened to lose you from my life. You have given me so much hope for my own. I am braver because of you; Jon.  I look at the months, years, decades with hope and joy for time I have been given.
     I am thankful that I was able to see the all the love that you gave out. I am thankful for being able to be part of your family. I am thankful that you were so close when I needed directions through my own heart. I cry for my loss tonight. I hope you’re not in pain. I hope that you are in peace. I hope that you are happy. You had so much to give and you let that shine for so long.
        I spoke with Anita today; we stood in the park throwing ball for Ben talking about life. Talking about her life; treading water around yours. Until the moment we connected and stood there and cried holding each other. It was hard to see her so worried about you. As we spoke I realized again what true love was. The tears in her eyes were not for her; they were for you. She is amazing not that you didn’t know that already. I will try and be some kind of support for her. I will try and help her through all the hard times.
        I love you Jon. Rest well.

Monday, July 18, 2011

And cur-plunk...


My green making machine went cur-plunk late last week in the middle of making a double batch of green goodness for our breakfast/lunch; it just flat out died... Mid way through making my morning love juice.. It just stopped. What the fuck? Seriously? Really? give me the fucking Green Juice you bad juicer bitch (sorry she had it coming)
     This is one of those times you get what you payed for. I payed 100 dollars for my now diseased juicer. At the time that seemed like a lot for a juicer that I wasn't sure I was even going to commit to. The thought of drinking the juice was much less fun then making it. Well, we did end up using it. We used it almost everyday and it lasted a whopping three months before she committed suicide mid-shift.

       With her passing so came the search for a new juicer. I had no idea that there are three different kinds of juicers on the market. I certainly couldn't figure out why some where over 800 dollars and some were 50. Well after much thought we came to the conclution either we were going to be replacing juicer every three months at 100 dollars or it was time to invest in the big time. Many dollars later we brought her home the master masticating juicer. She who shall soon be named has a ten year warranty that covers almost anything and you can purchase spare parts for her. Not to mention after our first juicing session we were up 12 oz!!! on the same amount of veggies. That is a saver right there. She is smaller, way heavier, not as pretty but, works like a charm.

Baby Monkey (Going Backwards On A Pig) - Parry Gripp

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


The burn

        I know I confessed I had a burn but, I don’t think you know how serious I am talking. I am radioactive currently. I lift up my shirt and I glow. I know… I should have learned my lesson a hundred years ago and no I didn’t. Cancer didn’t even teach me that I NEED to reapply my sun screen at least a hundred times when I go out especially sense I am currently being microwaved. Well, my lesson is firmly burned into my skin right now as I put layer and layer of aloe onto my skin. My skin is sad… really sad.                                                                                                                                                                                    On another note, my girls are officially getting new mom, two sisters, and a brother over this weekend. Saturday my ex will have a new Mrs. I never thought it would seem weird; we have been so close over the years after our divorce.  Matt has always been my best friend, he was my best friend before our marriage and continued to be one of my closest friends after our divorce. Even though things ended I could always count on our friendship. We have managed to raise two amazing little girls by ourselves. Helped each other through break-up and make ups, late phone calls, kids sickness, and about everything else in the book over the years.                                                                                                                                                                It is time to let those strings go. I never thought that either of us would move on. Now that we both have it feels odd that our lives have moved so FAR apart. That the only things we have in common are our little ones. I had always envisioned us at Christmas with are other spouses opening presents around a tree at one of our homes. I know; it seems crazy but, deep down this is what I wanted. Now, I understand that I am so happy that we are able to laugh together and that we don’t fight about our kids. I am thankful that we have a friendship that allows us to see each other for the wonderful parents that we have become. This is a new chapter in our forever friendship raising our children.                                                                                              All I can say is congratulations to the best co-parenting partner I could have asked for. I hope that their happiness is wonderful and last forever. I hope that their family is strong so when I am not they will be there for the girls. I hope that their wisdom helps them through the hard times. I hope that I never have to pick up the pieces of Matt's heart.

baby loves a dentist

Corbynn broke her back molar biting a piece of candy; wait what? Seriously? How is it always this child. You know the one that has had two sets of stitches, who is always missing her knees and never complains about the big ones yet; you know if she even thinks she has a paper cut.
This brings us to this morning:
“When do we get to go to the dentist and what kind of toy will I be getting after?” Corbynn yells
“We are leaving after lunch and I am not sure if there will be a toy.” I reply
“What? What do you mean no toy? There is always a toy when you are nice at the dentist, if not a toy you get to bring home tooth paste and COOL toothbrush.” Corbynn  says all to knowingly.
“I am not sure Corbynn”
“Well I am!!!”
That was that she stomped off to go get very pretty for her appointment. She dressed up in her little white dress wanted her hair done and for me to brush her teeth so they would be really clean for Doctor Hayes.

As soon as we walked into the door at the dentist she was as happy as a kid in a candy stores. She talked polite to everyone that she came in contact while she was waiting and then sitting in the chair. She only sad ouch once when he stuck in the needle then I never heard another word for 55 minutes until the root canal was done.. Then
“Can I see my SPARKLY tooth Mr. Doctor Sir” Corbynn said in her sweet voice.
After staring at her new cap for a few minutes she thanked him and asked if she could have her new tooth brush. Dr. Hays was so happy with her he gave her money for a Snow Cone because he had never had a little girl so happy to be at the dentist getting a root canal.
That is my little girl… Just wanted some bling aka
 up in her mouth… ha ha

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Talk about a sun burn

Oh my sun burn… Those are the only thoughts I can possess tonight. It is hard to believe A. How damaging the sun is and B. How useless sunscreen is when it has set in your draw for too long and C. if you don’t apply it; it can’t help you. These are all things I learned today while a roaring springs with the girls.
         My good friend Joanna and I took her two wonderful kids and my two wonderful kids to Roaring Springs the local water park. (without Eli sadly- more to come on this) Water parks are not one of my favorite places due to So many people being there and you have to wait in lines. I HATE waiting in lines more than anyone I know but, today it was for the kids.
        The girls loved the lazy river that floats around the entire park at a slow speed the most. Then second came the kiddie area where they were big enough for the rides. It was fun to watch how excited everyone was to be there. Joanna and I could have stayed home and done cocktails and never thought twice but, as always the smiles made it worth it. They enjoyed every minute of it and came home red and still ready to play in the sprinklers. AWESOME.. Their energy outlast a train most days.
        My skin on the other hand did not fare as well… I am a walking strawberry applying aloe every ten minutes and considering every natural remedy in the book; olive oil anyone?
        The day came in and out so fast you barely noticed when the clock stroked ten and the kids were fast asleep and we were once again siting on the couch cuddled up. My laptop and Sean’s book couldn’t be a better way to spend the evening.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


    Do you ever think about what you eat? About what goes in and where it came from. I spent a life time of just eating what came from the grocery store. I never thought about what went on the food or worse in the food.
     I at times thought those people that thought TOO much about it were crazy. I mean what were they obsessing about? Our government wouldn’t allow our food to be poisonous to our health. How could our vegetables be bad? That is impossible right?
     As I dig deeper and deeper into the truths about our food; I become more aware at exactly how dangerous our food can be. The chemicals, hormones, traveling time and a truck load of other problems that our now coming into our homes with our food. There are more and more links every day between cancer and our food. Not to mention obesity rates in our country.
        I didn’t even know that food were alkaline and acidic. What does that even mean? The information was on lock down… Well at least for me it was; I didn’t know how much impact the grocery store had on my life or how easy most of the changes would be.
        We have stopped eating out of boxes completely without much complaint from the littles. They seem excited about all of the new cooking that is going on. They want to be involved more now than ever. I had never considered myself as much of a cook but, as I start experimenting with new ideas, fresh food, and juicing my talent seem to be growing.
        I know that my problems will not be solved by diet alone. I know that the worlds food problems will not be solved by me but, I am taking a step in the right direction.
Maybe next year a community garden will appear at our home.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


         Our wonderful bridge over the Boise river near our home.

                                     The river running more full than I have seen it in years.

Birthday Boy

  My wonderful Mr. Jones had a birthday two weeks ago. Just my style we celebrated all week with out fail. It was was a great week. Not to mention my style to not get it posted for another two weeks... HEE HEE
    We went camping the weekend before Sean's birthday up above arrow rock dam. It was a blast 1400 of our not so close and very close friends joining together to enjoy some music and the company of great friends. As always there was more laughter than you could really contain yourself with; my poor stomach hurt for days after. Although I was about sick as I could have been on Sunday on our way home.
    We went out for a couple drinks and met up with two of Sean's best friends on Tuesday night. Wednesday we ran errands to Ontario, Or, stopped by my fathers farm and picked strawberries and green beans. Then we came home took a nap and went out to dinner at the wonderful Chandler Steak house.  We had Ahi tuna for a appetizer and then Sean had Steak and I had a spinach salad. It was wonderful listening to the in house Jazz band.
Saturday was the June birthday Celebrations drinks at the Modern, then dancing at Balcony. Can't go wrong with dancing right?

   I can not even begin to express how amazing Mr. Jones is. I am more in LOVE than I have ever been. So grateful for the opportunity to spend my time with a intelligent, caring, respectful, HOT man. I could never have imagined someone that I could be more happy with. I can only tell you that the last year has flown by and as always I am thankful for everyday I have to spend here.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Montana and I

   We took all the kids to Montana over this week to visit my Sean's family= my in-laws-ish. As they call me their daughter inlaw-ish.
    First, I can not even express how thankful I was for our new car. (if you haven't heard Sean and I purchased a vovlo xc90, welcome to third row seating.) All the kids were comfortable and we could banish them to the third seat if they were getting to loud or wanted to nap. We didn't leave Boise until almost 4:30, so it was a long drive. I am sure that didn't help but, we made it there at 1 in the morning... Thank goodness.
    Tuesday, is a amazing day of saying hi, giving hugs, and reconnecting. I love Julie and Bobs home, I could stay there forever. It is amazing little house ranch where they make custom saddles for western riders. I feel so at home there. I never want to leave, it is my dream home; little, happy, secluded but still close.
     Julie is incredible, her personality just boils out of her. I can't not smile when I am within ear shot of her. The amount of work ethic and strength just makes me want to emulate her.
    Bob and I personalities are SO much alike. We can banter for hours and never think twice of how crude or rude we are. I enjoy his sense of himself, the humility that we can share. The loss that we both have had. I look forward to our talks and wouldn't trade them in.
     I could go on and on. To say the least they are amazing.... I really enjoy the whole family. I have never felt so welcome with in a family.

                 We tied dyed shirts, went to see the bison, and hung out in the saddle shop. It was a amazing, welcoming, and fun welcoming.