Friday, June 4, 2010

I know I know...

It has been a fast couple of weeks with a wide variety of emotions and confusion. I struggled to sit down and really clear my thoughts to write to you all. I know that I go everyday to the blogs I love to check for updates and I know that I haven't been here for a few days. SORRY>>> won't happen again.
Bryan had a breakdown these last few weeks. He has been struggling with depression for a long time. He also has diabetes which makes things even harder to keep the depression under control. He hasn't been facing the realities of his life. It makes me sad to watch some one so amazing struggle so hard with something that he can't see. He has trouble admitting that he has any problems at all let alone that he is dealing with mental illness on top of it all. I don't know if I have ever really talked about my first boyfriend who killed himself about ten years ago. So I have a real soft spot for mental illness. I sometimes struggle with being too soft when it comes to that. I don't know what to explain, I just am understanding to a fault. It sometimes leads me to being a little manipulated into being a little bit of a push over. I understand that he needs to move on with his life because his actions have led to me having a unhealthy level of stress. I know this but, I struggle to let him go. It is really hard to trust that he is going to be okay. I worry about his well-being all the time.

On another note however, my brother and his wife bought their first house and moved out!!!! It is wonderful. I have my master bedroom back! I am so SO SO thankful for my bathroom. I have to admit that cleaning it was horrific. I don't believe they had cleaned it ever. There was so much mold in the shower. The mold was yellow and black and all the way up the walls. I can't believe that amount of bleach and scrub that it took to clean it. My mother repainted for me and now I have a blue wall and some really white walls. It feels so clean... I am at ease in my home again.

I had a seizure this week. I landed my self in the hospital for a few hours. I also received a great ambulance ride there. I love them. I am struggling with losing my independence. It is hard to think someday I will not be able to be left alone. I can't imagine losing all of the alone time I have grown to love and treasure as part of my daily lifestyle. I am saddened by this new course in my life. I feel overwhelmed by the idea yet so comforted by the amount of support I am getting from family and friends. I have never felt so loved by some and so not by others. Being sick is one of those things that is just a open reminder that some friends are fair weather and some are there no matter what the reason or the cause. I will update with some pictures of my new room tomorrow.

I have been thinking about my life lately but more than just my life but, the life after this. I have been realizing how strong my faith really is. It may not be the normal type of faith. It isn't perfect however it is strong. When I lay my head down at night, I am thankful for the day. I am thankful for chances I have to make a impact on this wonderful world I live in. I am so thankful for my family, children and friends. That is faith.

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