sad

  Feeling very sad tonight; things have just been running rapid the last few days. Sean's father unexpectedly passed away yesterday. So, we are in the day to day motions right now. It was so unexpected considering we were planning on leaving Monday to see him. It is hard when they had been so estranged over the last few years. Not that either one had done wrongs just that they did not keep up a relationship. So there is grief in our house today. Luckily Sean's mom has been here to help keep us distracted and level.
     For reasons unknown to me Sean's father passing has brought up a lot of emotion for me. My brother and I have been estranged for years. We never found a understanding for each other. We have lost a lot of respect for one another and had events take place that has made a relationship not an option. It makes me sad to think of him. He is going through a rough time right now; I want to reach out to him. Let him know how much I love him, hug him. However, he is to emotionally removed. He doesn't want me in his anymore. I am not sure if he wants any of our family in his life. He certainly hasn't made a attempt to keep us in his life. His friends have been his family for a long time. 
     I feel a overwhelming sense of sadness, anger, resentment, grief that we may never have a relationship again. That I have to sit to the side lines and watch him go through hard times. When I see his face it brings tears to my eyes. When I can see him in pain looking so very damaged. When I can't be the one there to talk with him. I know that I can not help him. I can't fix his problems. I can not be his best friend. I just wish I could call him and have him receive that call with open ears.  
    I would tell him how proud I am of him for buying a house. I would tell him how happy I am that he is happy in his marriage. I would tell him that I loved him even though we have so many differences. That I miss our good times. I do not believe that we will ever how a chance to have those conversations nor am I positive I would be able to say those things with out bringing up the past. 
   I hope my brother finds peace in his life.
   Tonight I broke down laid in my closet and cried. I am unsure if I was overwhelmed or grieving the losses that our effecting our family. I know it felt good to finally cry it all out; to let everything go. The cancer, family, loss and just the stress of our lives.
 

I will tell you this: I never asked for it to be easy but, it shouldn't be this hard.