Monday, August 23, 2010


I feel like communication styles can be so different. That tone, intention, and guilt seem to come into play no matter who you are talking too. I am having a hard time communicating the way I want to. I feel like I don't know how to communicate correctly anymore. My words feel twisted and abused against me. I know that is not the intention however it is how it comes across. I feel attacked and misunderstood even when I think I am explaining myself clearly. Why can't I do this right? I don't know how to fix this problem. I feel like everything I do is wrong anymore. I can't talk with out being attacked my phone rings constantly with accusations. I am starting to believe that the people  I am communicating  with doesn't understand me at all. I am feel alone in my own relationships, honestly I don't know I know this isn't fixable.

I haven't ever known myself to give up or let some one out of my life. I am friends with every person I have ever dated. Yet, I feel now that I am growing up things have changed. I do not need to have all those contacts any more. I left this relationship feel broken and unable to breathe. I am amazed at how violated  I have felt through this relationship. I have never felt like I did not have any thing that was mine before. I felt he thought he could just go through every thing I owned. I still feel like I was a object that he owned. I felt like a possession to be kept close looked over.  I felt like I could not go anywhere with out a explanation of who I saw, sat by, talked to, looked at.. When I went out my phone would ring over and over again... if it was not ringing it was going off from text messages. If I did not reply with in an hour. I was ignoring, avoiding, or worse doing something that I was hiding from him. Then it was absolute that a fight was coming my way. He talked about me behind my back and lied to me about it. Like I wouldn't hear about it from everyone. I feel so betrayed. He accuses me of hurting the children. Did he not see that I was hurting.

Yet, he is so charismatic, beautiful , and caring all lot of the time. When I was sick he was here for me. He carried me from room to room when I couldn't walk. Held me when I seizure into his arms, brought me medicine food, and water. Stayed up all night worrying about how I was doing. His smile could light up a room. He is fun, excited, and interesting.  The best way to describe my feelings right now is gray.

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