Monday, August 2, 2010

way late

Life took hold and away I went. Summer can be oddly out of control yet so rewarding. I am surprised how much I enjoy the little things. The hot sun against my skin and the cool pool right underneath me, hummingbirds flying around our house, steaming evenings on our porch swing and the look in the girls eyes when the night is over and everyone is ready to crash.
I am learning about what it takes to make a better me.  Have you ever had trouble admitting you need or want help? I am always amazed at my continued belief in myself even when I shouldn't have any. I don't know how to ask for help; it has always been on of those taboos about being independent. I have been a busy bee lately and forgot how fragile my life is. I struggle with the idea that I could at anytime be forced out of this life and into the next. Love will keep me alive right? Those people that I should have asked for help will carry on a legacy behind me of love, right? I wonder all the time how to leave little pieces of me in this world for my girls to follow.

My ex finally managed to make me upset after almost three years of getting along seamlessly he went and did it again.  He moved in with his new girlfriend this weekend; only giving the girls a couple days to deal with the move. Corbynn didn't seem to mind much however, Koda had a breakdown about not wanting to leave with her, not liking her other children, and overall not feeling comfortable in that life style.  When I comforted Matt about he didn't seem to care. He just wanted my support in letting him be happy in his life. It is not that I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be beyond happy; it is that I want to feel comfort about who is with my child. I am having flash backs of the movie step mom right now. How scary is that; I feel like I am that lady though. I want to scream at the poor unaware girlfriend about everything that she is doing wrong. Then I want to hug her even if I am angry and jealous of her. Jealous just because she has the chance of being with my children forever.

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