Monday, November 29, 2010
Today I babble
I am looking for a trail for my brain tumor. I do not know if there is one out there that is worth the risk or if I am just kidding myself thinking that one is magically going to appear now that I am desperately hoping for anything that will help. Unsure how to feel about that.
My body is tired today. I have been feeling very emotional lately. I just can't seem to find the even spot. Where did it go? I used to feel so secure but, I am unsure if that is because I was alone and when your alone you have nothing to really be unsure of? Does that even make sense? Not so sure of it. I have been finding myself crying for no reason when I am driving. Or looking at my bank account wondering what is going to happen. I know that no one said Single parent and Cancer = money in the bank and they were right. I just did not know how right they really were. I have always been so capable feeling not capable is really hard. I can not explain to you how strange that change feels. That when the bills come in you have to just take deep breathes and realize that I am fighting for much more than just an item this is my life. It is worth every dept, every bill, every bad dream but, really how long can I stay on top of this with out losing footing?
It is so hard not to push every living thing out of my life. I am fighting to keep a connection with the girls, with Sean, and my friends but I struggle to keep on top of those things. I am struggling to want to talk, hug, kiss sometimes I just want to be alone. Well lets be honest most of the time right now I wish I was alone. Maybe not the kind of alone you are thinking of but, the kind where you do not have to be you. You could be about anyone. a coffee shop where no one knows but you can still chat and be friendly. Is that so wrong to want a escape? I think I have let go of most of my connections because close contact is so hard to handle. I find myself alone one this equinox and there is no way off. Everyone wants to come but I just want them to find another. I have known this about my self for many years I push away anything that gets to close. It is hard to believe that I am still holding on to this.
I bought a stuffed dog from Macy's today.. It sang and made me laugh.