Monday, November 29, 2010

Today I babble

I can't even begin to speak in true sentences. First I shall be positive; things I am grateful for: The smell of cookies in the oven. That my girls are still young enough to say I LOVE YOU more times in a day than I breathe. The way my oldest looks at me for approval as she moves through her day. The way my youngest curls in my lap and tries to be sneaky. The way my shoes fit. The moments that Cancer didn't come up in my day. The moment when my hair look perfect in the mirror. The way it feels to be held when your upset and no one knows you are but, you. The way he looks in a flannel (no one said that would be sexy and still I am thinking that it shouldn't be even though it still is).  The way the girls look holding hands sleeping on a blow up mattress in the middle of the floor. The way I feel like the old me when I swim. I am thankful that I still get to be thankful.

I am looking for a trail for my brain tumor. I do not know if there is one out there that is worth the risk or if I am just kidding myself thinking that one is magically going to appear now that I am desperately hoping for anything that will help. Unsure how to feel about that.

My body is tired today. I have been feeling very emotional lately. I just can't seem to find the even spot. Where did it go? I used to feel so secure but, I am unsure if that is because I was alone and when your alone you have nothing to really be unsure of? Does that even make sense? Not so sure of it. I have been finding myself crying for no reason when I am driving. Or looking at my bank account wondering what is going to happen. I know that no one said Single parent and Cancer = money in the bank and they were right. I just did not know how right they really were. I have always been so capable feeling not capable is really hard. I can not explain to you how strange that change feels. That when the bills come in you have to just take deep breathes and realize that I am fighting for much more than just an item this is my life. It is worth every dept, every bill, every bad dream but, really how long can I stay on top of this with out losing footing?

It is so hard not to push every living thing out of my life. I am fighting to keep a connection with the girls, with Sean, and my friends but I struggle to keep on top of those things. I am struggling to want to talk, hug, kiss sometimes I just want to be alone. Well lets be honest most of the time right now I wish I was alone. Maybe not the kind of alone you are thinking of but, the kind where you do not have to be you. You could be about anyone. a coffee shop where no one knows but you can still chat and be friendly. Is that so wrong to want a escape? I think I have let go of most of my connections because close contact is so hard to handle. I find myself alone one this equinox and there is no way off. Everyone wants to come but I just want them to find another. I have known this about my self for many years I push away anything that gets to close. It is hard to believe that I am still holding on to this.

I bought a stuffed dog from Macy's today.. It sang and made me laugh.

No comments:

Post a Comment