I talk a lot about just moving forward and not letting myself get stuck in the cancer. The stroke caught me off guard a lot. I had not expected it. I know that you would have thought that just having cancer would be a wake-up call. I think I may have got so used to having cancer that the risks fell by the way side and maybe it was so far that I let myself start to believe that I was safe again. Strange to think that a few short months ago we were counting down the days and somehow recently I have been forgetting those days were there at all. I am so thankful for the treatment that I am receiving even though the risks are VERY high as we have recently experienced. Every time my arm goes numb I am aware of just how dangerous it is.
I have been in a lot of physical pain lately. It seems to move through me in waves. Aches from my hips to my neck are a constant companion. It is just the radiation and the pills. (pills may be worse than the problem most of the time) If you have taken pain killers in your past than you too know how awful they can be. They may block one pain but they leave you with wet sheets from your body burning alive, stomach pains, and a head rush you can’t seem to shake for days.
But unlike many of my friends I am still here to complain. How do you get away from carrying the guilt for still be with the living while so many others are not.