11*09*2011

Some days you can forget you are sick. Some days you can see past it and then suddenly it hits you like a ton of bricks.

               I thought I had a seizure last night. All the sudden I am on the floor with a headache that won’t subside. My body aches and I can’t think straight. I feel dizzy and my words are not coming out right. It is almost like the words become stuck in my throat. They were just waiting to get out yet it just was not coming. I would tell my lips to move and suddenly I would notice that they weren’t under my control. That went for my hand and my left leg. It only lasted a few short hours but, I was terrified.

              You can imagine that Sean was terrified too. Yet, he holds himself together and never seems frazzled until later. He held my hand and cuddled up close until I started speaking clearly again. I know that he watched me sleep for a while before going to bed. Is it wrong that I feel bad that he is worried? I don’t want him to have to worry; Isn’t it enough that I am terrified.

                Well, I will just deliver the bad news. I had a mild stroke they believe. It won’t be confirmed until tomorrow.  I don’t know how to feel other than out of sorts. I have known it was a possible since the start. I just didn’t think we would come to this point. I don’t think I should be having strokes this young. FUCK  who has strokes? I didn’t think I would be the one.

             Sean’s world is up in arms too. Work is being crazy and re-organizing everyone. (p.s. this means some people won’t have jobs) Sean loves his team. I can see his internal struggle as work pushes and moves deadlines and cuts budgets. The stress that is living on his face makes me want to cry. What can I do? How do I support him? So, many questions that hopefully all lead away from me worrying about cancer and now strokes.

 I am still in Real Estate school not that I heard a thing they said today…

P.S. I miss Jim Reed today. I hope my shrink is enjoying retirement.