04.26.2012

 

    Life has been rough around these parts. There have been many joys too; they seem to be far shadowed by the pain that has been sweeping through.

    My best friends mother recently was diagnosed with cancer and is quickly losing her battle. Watching my best friend go through this is heart breaking. The want to hug her and walk beside her through this is strong but, the knowledge that cancer itself makes it a solo process. You can't help anyone grieve. You can't show them how to deal and you can't make it better.

    I just have to stand aside. Try and hold emotional space and send as much positive energy as possible. Giving space is a hard thing. I have found that I feel like I am not doing enough. Even though down deep I realize the only thing I can do is be here WHEN she needs me. Not when I feel like she should because I would have.

      With our friends recent passing the community around us has stepped into overdrive grieving. They are doing things that can only be dreamed of in memory of our dearest friends. There are art projects, memorials, parties, wakes, funerals, balloon launches, crying sessions, hug parties, and most of a lot of memory sharing. We are all living this pain. We are watching our closest friends find their path to grieving.

     There have been positives around all of this. The realization of how much we should show our love and how often we should do it seems to be at the front of everyone's mind. It has brought a unity across two very different yet very much the same communities which is something these two tried to do every day. They were an inspiration within both communities on how to accept and teach and love. CJ and Zach were in one world the truest form of love. I will carry this with me forever.  

     Watching life happen around you is humbling. Thinking of the place I was in a few short months ago and what my own friends and family must have been thinking. Letting those emotions not effect my current hours are hard. Staying present in today is hard. That is the goal though is to LOVE all of these moments. To hold them close and be able to relive them when they have past. In order to even have those memories you have to present. Not thinking forward, not digging holes into the past, and most of all feeling what is going on around you.

        It is raining today. I love the rain. It makes life feel renewed, re-birthed, fresh. It brings me hope for tomorrow. Today I have been too caught up in life to watch it come down. It is coming down in sheets from the ski. The world seems to be mourning right along with me today. She seems to be trying to tell me that all things are cleansed. Life moves forward no matter what. Death, sickness, happiness, emptiness, joy are all fleeting. They are emotions not a state of being. They are not forever.

      My community is mourning right now. We are all dealing in our own way. As the days come to pass there will be more tears, more sickness, more death but, there will also be new life, love, happiness, joy, freedom.

4.25.2012

It has been a rough few days. 

Writing hasn't been on the top of my list. 

A amazing couple that we are close friends with passed over last weekend. 

They were in a head on car crash and were taken way to early. 

Processing this information has been difficult.

It has brought a lot of emotions to the surface that I haven't had to face in a long time. 

This is what I have learned.

 

 

           Love with all of your heart. There are way to few moments not to. Don't let your fear scare you off. When it is right it feels right and don't lose those moments because they could be fleeting. Give hugs. A lot of hugs even to those people that don't really like hugs because it feels good to hug. 

 

          It may be hard but, you must cherish your friendships. You must help build them. Stop wondering about who you are and just be who you are. You are great no matter what. Someone knows it and if they don't then don't let that change you.

 

I am struggling to truly express how hard this is. How many times a day and I am brought back to what matters due to this. Life is important, those moments are important. Please don't forget it.

 

Maybe later I will feel better and can express this more but for tonight.

Rest in peace Zach and CJ.

04/22/2012

It is easy to love here.

4/16/2012

Wow, I am a little more than lame this time. I do have an excuse this time though. Sean has been very sick and there have been a lot of parties. I know that this makes absolutely no sense but, it is true. We had a very fun, very large party that we were to attend on Saturday. That also meant that there was fun to be had on Friday and Sunday.

So like the rock stars we are. Sean was sick all week and spent some time in the ER... Followed by four days of staying home from work. Then quickly on to the PARTY. It was a lot of fun with a consider amount of sleep deprivation.

We have been slowly migrating through the burning man crowd as we begin to find where we fit here in Boise. The scene is different here split and socially diverse. Maybe it everywhere maybe before it was that we happened upon out peers and never had to go in search of them.

Strangly again maybe we weren't searching but, they happened upon us. It was a little to be welcomed into a group of peers. It has been a long time since we have been around peer at least within the burning man circle.

I should explain what I mean by peers. They are also parents, have careers, are around Sean's age. So this makes them more peers than most. There was a sense of belonging with in the interaction. A sense of fun filled days and night to come. There was life with in the group that you could FEEL. It was very much like going back and sitting next to Cat on the Med. Just that sense that maybe there wasn't anyone to truly impress at all. That it is possible just to be part of a life style with a larger community.

Pictures to follow.

04/08/2012

My little on turned 6 this week. 

On her sixth birthday.

It is hard to believe that six years ago I gave birth to my 

last child. 

It is amazing how she has grown.

How I used to hold her in my arms and hope 

she would stay small forever. 

I don't know if I ever told her birth story probably not. 

So I think that is how I will celebrate her birthday. 

On April 4 2006 I was 38 weeks pregnant and grumpy. I was painting what was going to be Corbynn and Dakota's new room. We had picked out two shades of blue and a bright yellow.  I was so FAT.. I know you can't imagine it but think FAT. I bloated to the size of a small cow when I was pregnant.

As the day went on my mother started to notice that I was acting funny. I thought she was being crazy however we took her word for it and started watching and sure enough I was having pain free contractions! We waited a few hours and when the were 8 minutes apart headed into the hostpital. Only to be told that no we would not be having a baby that day or any day soon for that matter. 

I cried all the way home just wishing that this baby would GET out of my stomach and into my arms. I didn't sleep well either. I tossed and turned with every hour that passed. The morning came I was uncomfortable. I couldn't walk around or sit for long periods. I was also stressed to the max about having to do more painting. I was also a little embarrassed of our premature outing to the hospital the day before. 

A few hours passed and I started to notice my stomach was tightening a lot. I could see it contract once again I had no pain so I decided it was just some contractions. About two hours later.. I started to clean. Mop the floors do the laundry. I was in a mood. Then my mother came over and took one look at my and sent us to the hospital. 

Good thing she did. I had Corbynn one hour and fifteen minutes later. I was checked in at over 8cm dilated. I could have had her in the car! Corbynn came into this world with a bang before she was even all the way out she was screaming. It was like alien. I was horrified that she was screaming before she was even out. I kept saying put her back she isn't done cooking. The nurses looked at me like I was crazy. 

I wasn't crazy it turns out the 38 weeks was more like 35. She was only 4.3lbs when she was born. She was so tiny and cute. I can't even explain how amazing she was. 

She spent the next two weeks finishing baking in the nicu. She needed her lungs to open and we needed to make sure that no infections were going to form. She started breathing normally after six whole days in nicu. It was a miracle and I was exhausted already. I had to no idea what  I was in for.
It is a good thing too or I might not have had the girls so close together and I am so happy that I did.