04.26.2012

 

    Life has been rough around these parts. There have been many joys too; they seem to be far shadowed by the pain that has been sweeping through.

    My best friends mother recently was diagnosed with cancer and is quickly losing her battle. Watching my best friend go through this is heart breaking. The want to hug her and walk beside her through this is strong but, the knowledge that cancer itself makes it a solo process. You can't help anyone grieve. You can't show them how to deal and you can't make it better.

    I just have to stand aside. Try and hold emotional space and send as much positive energy as possible. Giving space is a hard thing. I have found that I feel like I am not doing enough. Even though down deep I realize the only thing I can do is be here WHEN she needs me. Not when I feel like she should because I would have.

      With our friends recent passing the community around us has stepped into overdrive grieving. They are doing things that can only be dreamed of in memory of our dearest friends. There are art projects, memorials, parties, wakes, funerals, balloon launches, crying sessions, hug parties, and most of a lot of memory sharing. We are all living this pain. We are watching our closest friends find their path to grieving.

     There have been positives around all of this. The realization of how much we should show our love and how often we should do it seems to be at the front of everyone's mind. It has brought a unity across two very different yet very much the same communities which is something these two tried to do every day. They were an inspiration within both communities on how to accept and teach and love. CJ and Zach were in one world the truest form of love. I will carry this with me forever.  

     Watching life happen around you is humbling. Thinking of the place I was in a few short months ago and what my own friends and family must have been thinking. Letting those emotions not effect my current hours are hard. Staying present in today is hard. That is the goal though is to LOVE all of these moments. To hold them close and be able to relive them when they have past. In order to even have those memories you have to present. Not thinking forward, not digging holes into the past, and most of all feeling what is going on around you.

        It is raining today. I love the rain. It makes life feel renewed, re-birthed, fresh. It brings me hope for tomorrow. Today I have been too caught up in life to watch it come down. It is coming down in sheets from the ski. The world seems to be mourning right along with me today. She seems to be trying to tell me that all things are cleansed. Life moves forward no matter what. Death, sickness, happiness, emptiness, joy are all fleeting. They are emotions not a state of being. They are not forever.

      My community is mourning right now. We are all dealing in our own way. As the days come to pass there will be more tears, more sickness, more death but, there will also be new life, love, happiness, joy, freedom.