03/30/2012

our Cherry tree.

Pretty Pink Flowers.

Look at our Dr. Seuss looking stem. I love it.

Spring time is here. It is raining one day, pouring the next then all the sudden the sun comes out to shine. Along with the weather my body is constantly changing.

      With the hysterectomy my body seems to be finally calming down. After months of constant cramps and periods; not to mention crying or ripping someones head off every other week I am starting to feel "normal". It has been a hard dealing with the pure amount of emotions that were running  through my body. Not knowing if they were mine or just my period not that it mattered they were spilling out of me every hour of the day.

      I woke up yesterday and noticed that I didn't feel like crying. It has been two and a half weeks since the hysterectomy and a week and a half since the reconstruction and with all the pain and tiredness I had not even noticed how much better I felt emotionally. It was strange to wake up and notice that over the lost few days I had not been feeling anxiety that I had started to become used too over the last year.


   Sean has been sick for most of our vacation so it has been easy to be lazy. My body is healing and I hope soon it will be blooming as well.

03/26/2012

1. Say no to anything that is not important to me.
I'm the girl who has a hard time saying no. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I am a bitch not nice person but I can also be a push over. I do things for others who sometimes don't deserve it and I help people when I should be helping myself. I'm giving myself permission to focus on the important things.

2. Ask for help.
There's nothing wrong with it, so why don't I do it more often? Prideful? Scared? Embarrassed? A little of it all. Not sure why but,  I am sure that I have needed a lot of help this year that I haven't asked for.

3. Get. More. Sleep.
Before Sean and I were together I was often in bed by 9 and up by 7am. Sean and I had different idea's of when sleep should happen. He was a up till 2am asleep till 10am kind of guy. I ended up till 2 and awake at 7 am. Not the best for my beauty sleep.

4. Eat healthy.
I have always been a girl who has known what to eat but, I have never been very good at eating that way. The force is with the candy I say.. It is with the candy. But, with this new lease on life I very much need to take care of myself. I need to work on giving my body what it needs to survive not what makes my mouth water.


5. Take ten minutes out of my day to remember to breathe.
Come on does this need an explanation? I need to breathe stay out of the closet and make it through the days.

6. Make a plan.
I am a planner at heart I just need to keep to my plan. I need to plan dinner so I don't spend all day thinking about what my plan is for dinner. I hate that I think about what needs to come out of the freezer instead of taking the time to love on the kids and do some fun projects.

7. Love.
 I want to continue to celebrate love. To celebrate every person that I have a moment with. Love is not just about our family. It is about the connections that feed our world. 


8. Surround myself with inspiring photos.
  Yes there are thousands of pictures on my computer, blog, email accounts but, how often do I do what I have envisioned with them? I want them to surround the house. To bleed into our every day life. I want the house to be full of memories that make us smile.

9. Be more grateful.
I forget to be grateful for the little things. Sean hand reaching across the couch for mine. The laughter coming up from the basement. My extra ten minutes of sleep. Mr. Jones making 3 dinner a week. I have a thousand things a day to be grateful for. I need to spend a few moment ever day writing them down.

10. Hit the gym!
    I forget that I love the gym when I am not going. I love the way my body and mind feels after two hours of working myself. I love that I feel better about my self. I need the gym and I need to MAKE the time to go there.

11. A hot, steamy bubble bath.
Does this really need an explanation?

13. Find a happy place. 
Yes I know a happy place. I think what I am saying is not to be afraid to spend time alone. To have moments that our just MINE. To feel the air come and go from my chest without worrying about how another person is doing. 

13. Have more fun.
Aka... I want to laugh at the small stuff and make my world a lot more fun.

14. Be more organized.
I want to follow through on what my mind is always saying. I know how to organize I need to put those plans in motion with or with out the help of anyone else. Yep that is what I need to do.

15. Be outside more.
I love to sit on the patio but, ever since Sean and I stopped smoking I have stopped enjoying being in our yard. I am going to take back over the yard and the sounds and smells that come with it.

16. Read more.
No I am not talking about blogs I am talking about books. It is time to find a good book and lay down and enjoy it.

17. Boost the self esteem.
Most people wouldn't know it but I'm actually not that confident. I like to pretend I am, but a lot of it's an act. This year I will compliment myself more because I think I deserve it. And I will stop judging myself so harshly - other people do it enough for you, take you out of that equation.

18. Spend more time with my kids.
Instead of sending them to go do things. I want to do things with my kids, I want to be that parent that was always there for their children. I want to be a mom that they remember for being involved not hiding in her bedroom behind her work.

19. Cook and bake more.
Making food for my family makes me happy. I need to embrace it more and enjoy cooking.

20. Make more time for people who care about me and focus less on people who don't make me a priority.

03/25/2012

Overdue update:

Surgery two went well. I have to admit that have breast reconstruction was a little worse than I had given it credit for but, all is well now.

They are affixed to my chest like melons but, what do you do? Wait for the swelling to go down. Things will settle if I just give them time.  I am a little uncomfortable with their size. They are bigger than I was expecting but, the surgeon didn't think I would be happy with what I wanted. I must need to give it a few days before I start to worry about them.

There is SO much emotion that went into this surgery. I was overwhelmed by my reactions to be honest. I wasn't expecting to feel conflicted. I feel whole again which seems a bit silly. I also have been feeling guilty for being this vain... I know after surgery blues. I think.

I am considering some serious spring cleaning as soon as recovery allows.  I have looked in my down stairs room only to find a total mess. It was  a little scary. I would like to redo the shelving so that it is a organized space.  Right now it is more of a piling of boxes; which makes things hard to find.  This is HIGH on my to-do list but, I have to wait until they clear me to move more than 10 pounds.

I also want to paint our kitchen cabinets. I am thinking a light colored cream. I am also thinking about painting the appliances too! Maybe black or slate, I am just done with white. I am DONE with white. I hate that it is always asking to be cleaned. I hate that it looks funny against our dark cabinets and floor.























 

03/22/2012

Made it through my second surgery. 

Reconstruction feels like melons on my chest. 

I am terrified that they will be funny looking when the bandages come off. 

But then again they were funny before they went on.
I am still on pain killers so writing isn't easy. 

I will post again soon. 

Love you all.

03/17/2012

Happy St. Paddy's Day! It is a great one! I found out on Friday that I don't have ANY growing tumors! Can you believe it? I am sure you can't because I can't. I am going to say this is the power of Juice at work. Our amazing cancer killing juice + a whole lot of radiation. Lets not forget that and the smiles. Lots of smiles. Family, friends, love life and a lot of good/bad living. I am SO SO Surprised...

Guess what else? I know you can't> Breast reconstruction on Wednesday. I am almost a fixed gal. 

I may not be Cancer free or perfect but, I am one step closer to both. 

Happy Birthday to my wonderful mother in law... 

Julie. I love you. 

Thank you for all your help this week. 

He loves this stuff; just so you know.

 Isn't she cute? We had a little mommy daughter picture date at the park the day before my surgery. 

These are a couple un-edited snaps.

03/15/2012

It is raining here.

I am on the mend. Surgery went well and I will be back to blogging in no time.

03/12/2012

My uterus is having its last party.

I am VERY excited about it being the last one. 

Last night was spent on the heating pad again with legs up on the wall. 

More than anything I hate how painful this has become. If you're a women and have experienced the worst; you know not many pain killers touch the cramping. 

So I am going to have a total hysterectomy on Wednesday morning. Wish me luck.

The only thing that is working for the pain is knowing that this is the very last one I will ever have.

The thought of not having to go through this again is 

more relieving than knowing a box of

girl-scout cookies are on the way. 

However, I am feeling a little bit of loss with this surgery. 

I was surprised that I have been feeling sad about losing my uterus.
I have known for years that it was not going to be used again but, looking on facebook I have 

realized how many more years of being able to bear I child I would have had. 

Even if my uterus wasn't working I could still imagine that they  would one day fix

her and I would be able to have another child. 

I am not even saying that I would have had another 

but, I would have liked the option.

Who knows what is to come in the future. 

It could have gone a million little ways. 

One thing is for sure my pregnant belly days are officially over.

Deep down I am a little sad to be empty. 

I really need this done so I will find a way to make this a great thing. 

any ideas?

3/08/2012

Thoughts on Burningman.

If you have never been it is impossible to explain so I am not going to try.

I am feeling a little bit down about not going this year but, at the same time going out to experience a different event will be more than worth it.

Burningman changed the way I saw the world. It happen the moment I stepped out onto the playa. It was the moment that I understood that there was unconditional love without having to be related or even knowing a person. To have a random person  come up to you and tell you that you are amazing when they have never spoken to you gives you a sense of love that is beyond what I was used too.
I was amazed at how much people wanted to care. Once taken out of their comfort zones they wanted to explore, dress up, interact, create. People wanted to change the world at Burning man. To make it even better a lot of these people were changing the world.

I tell people every year that you can find whatever you are looking for there. If you are looking for "the spirit" you will find him every where. If you are looking for nudity you will go find it. If you are looking for art you will experience it. You can experience anything at the burn if you go looking for it.

For me the burn has never been about finding something. It has continued to be love. To have a renewed look on life and the people that I share this world with. It is about community and growing into a family when all you have is your self and what you bring to the table. It is about LOVE... Yes love. Feeling apart of a community just breeds love. The amount of hope that radiats from the ground is unbelievable.
 You are surrounded by 50,000 people who believe in the impossible. It is a family of hope, dreams, and the unexplainable. 

For me Burning Man created an idea that lead to a way of life. That continues to feed the core of my beliefs. At that core of beliefs lies the truth about me. I believe in love, family, art, self relaince and most of all to BE true to your self.

 I found myself out there on the playa on top of a temple in the middle of a sunrise.  Maybe I didn't literally find myself but, I knew in those moments who I no longer wanted to be and deep down who I was.  No longer did I want to be a selfish child who did a lot of things that never made me feel good about myself and no longer did I want to feel like I couldn't be someone better. Burning Man showed me that if a community could change so drastically year to year; so could I and at the end of the day I could forgive myself when things went wrong too.

I know that the world is upset at Burning Man right now but, remember this is the place that has taught many of us forgiveness and the belief that everything can be renewed and changed.

03/06/2012

 ONE GREAT DAY = a lot of fun out side and a lot of faces inside.

03/05/2012

     Storage that is what is on my mind today or maybe it is my lack of storage that is on my mind. Our house has a TON of space 3800sqft to be exact but, our useable storage space is VERY small. We have a few nice built ins but, this house needs ALOT more.

     We just don't seem to have set places for our things. It makes our house look cluttered and to tell you the least all I do is de-clutter. It is amazing how much goes into having a "clean" space. I know I need to do more de-cluttering but thereis such a large piece of me that just wants to to look like this.

From Ikea site

     
      The sad thing is our could totally look like this if I put some work into it. I love the bins. I crave having the bins. Seriously I wish I was organized enough to do this. Or even better had the money to hire someone too. I keep saying someday but, really when is someday going to be a reality? I am unsure.

      As for the home front today is cleaning day and maybe that is why I am focused on my lack of ability to put stuff away. I am working on the kitchen and main living area's today and catching up on my fly lady work. I will let you know how it goes.

Happy March friends.