Midnight Thanksgiving shopping.

Thanksgiving is not my favorite holiday by any means. I personally hate cooking and when you hate cooking you end up doing a lot of cleaning there for I usually tend to avoid all Thanksgiving activities. This year I am not so lucky, I am home for the Holidays in every since of the word. I am in Boise doing the family things.
My mother enjoys midnight shopping so she called and scheduled her shopping time for right after the girls go to bed on her lunch break today. So I spent my day really thinking about how much I hate food shopping. Let me tell you it is not fun, I get no enjoyment out of this. Not to mention I was up really early with the girls and spent half my day trying to sleep off this horrible headache that never leaves. The girls went to school today and made all kinds of Thanksgiving coloring stuff. It was fun to see the look on Koda's face when grandpa Dean let her stick it on his fridge. She is so excited by the littlest things. Which makes me happy to know she get it. She knows that the small stuff matters. Koda understands that the point of bubbles is to play in them even when they get up your nose and every where else. She understand it is in her greatest duty to play and enjoy every moment of playing in the sea of bubbles. I like that about kids.... JOY.
My mom can and got us up from our preshopping nap and off we went to walmart and then to winco because walmart didn't have enough stuff when does Walmart not have enough stuff that is all that is there is stuff. Around every corner of Winco ,I could hear Bryan screaming what I paid twice what said item was one sale for at winco. Something about the way he screams joy makes me smile on the inside or maybe it is just the fat kid screaming in the little kids body as he looks forward to family cooking tomorrow. I love the way he get so happy about everything.. He makes me happy about food. I don't even like eating let alone cooking. I should look into raw living just to avoid it. Mom found a turkey but in order to get said turkey she had to spend fifty bucks so she spent the entire Winco time trying to spend more so she could save 60 cents a pound. My mom is a go getter she came out on top spending eighty. Never doubt the power of mom to spend money.
Can't wait to see how cooking plays out three strong adults cooking in one kitchen. I am staying on the couch.

week at home...

This week has been one of those weeks of joy and pain. My brother and I have spent the last few months recreating our relationship. It has been hard for both of us not to keep going over the past. We have spent very little time over the past twenty four years on good terms. Mostly due to us being stubborn and hating what we see in the other person that is so much like what we see in our selves. I can't deny I feel more at home than I every have here. Coming home to a commune is something that I have always wished for. I have not ever really felt at home here. Maybe due to the fact I was a growing adolencent and wanted everything to be my way or the fact that I really thought there was some other family out there that was better than my own. I was wrong. My other families that I have created are great and are ever changing who I am but, my blood family knows me like the back of their hand. That is love.

I have been spending a lot of time with Bryan lately. (a friend of my brothers) He has brought a new way of feeling into my life. I think I had forgotten how I feel. I have spent so much time hiding my feeling from others that it has been a total relief to have someone to share them with. Not to mention it has opened up my eyes to letting other people know I am in sad, angry and some days in pain. It has been a interesting to know that people want to know how you feel. They want to feel connected to you. I am working on being more open with how I am thinking and feeling when someone asks how I am.

I have been moving through all the feeling that come up daily; I like to think that I don't feel what other people think I should feel. I try to believe that I am okay with leaving this earth so early but, I am NOT. I feel powerless against the cancer, no matter what I do this will prevail over me. I know that I am not powerless in what I do with the time I have. That I can make massive changes in people lives by sharing my story. However, I am just not sure that it makes up for the time I am losing out on. Does anything make up for the thought of missing your child's wedding or her first kiss. It doesn't mean it is going to happen but the percentages aren't in my favor right now . I am conflicted by the pain and the joy that this has brought to my life. I am amazed to hear that I make a impression on the people I meet. Sometimes I don't see those changes; they are there either way.

I dressed up for a goonies party this week and sat around with my family and laughed at us being the only people dressed up at the whole party. It was well worth it just to be part of us all getting dressed up. We danced, did trivia, danced, and talked the night away. When we got home at three am I felt renewed and close to a family that I haven't felt a part of for a very long time. I have my sister back ie: My brothers wife.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what matters to me in my life: Family is now back on the top of the list... I won't be removing it anytime soon.

Well: Experience will always be number one.

hold tight more to come later on this evening.

Sperm Bucket

Being home is like a warp time zone the people never change and are always on the same rant. I don't think I have seen a sperm pool like my home town. Where everyone you know is having sex or did have sex with one of my close friends. I swear, some days I wonder what friends old bumping buddy just became mine. It is like a wedding where you give some one something old and blue now you just get it still blue and not so used...

Cancer and sex don't seem to go together so nice. I wonder all the time if it is like a safety net for men, she isn't going to make it much longer so it is a safe bet to say she isn't going to expect me to get to attached or even committed to the relationship. It is the cancer lotto, one girl three maybe five years and a lot of everything with no ring involved.

It would be dumb to say that I don't want that all consuming love anymore, I just don't expect to ever really obtain such a feat. I am happy with the moments that I am being given. It is a gift getting to spend time with people that don't have to give that time. I chance to learn something new everyday... What can I say I will take it.

Halloween eve

I wanted to start a blog so that my friends and family could be part of my adventures. First, I have to tell you I can't spell, and my writing skill are way behind. So give me a little slack, doing the best I can.
I am in Salt lake this week again visiting friends for the week. I really miss this place when I am not here. I have a hard time leaving the family that is so strong here. They are so amazing and supportive.
Anthony rented a bunch of DJ stuff for a photo shoot yesterday and we got lucky and he set it up here at the house. I am always surprised at how well the girls interact with my friends. They are some of the only kids within the group. Sometimes I think my friends are coming over more for them then for me. Koda really seems to seek out the one person that is quite and fun. Last night she attached herself to my friend Amie. Watching her talk about life with Amie was so funny. The two of them sat on the couch talked and talked. She seemed so content there with her. All the while Corbynn dance the night away with every man at the party. She is such a flirt. I see myself in her all the time. She is so out going and strong. The girls and I danced like rocks tars until about ten. I was really surprised with how well the girls went to bed last night. The whole house was thumping away and they slept like the dead.
It was really fun to get together out of no where last night. We hadn't really planned on going anywhere last night we were going just going to sit around and watch scary movies. Out of no where people just starting showing up and hanging out. It was nice to see most of my second family. Anthony played such a great set that everyone just seemed to dance the night away.
I LOVE these people and can't imagine my life without them.

Preparing for Halloween...

So, here I am back at Jareds house getting ready for Halloween. It is my non-families favorite time. We are going to take my girls trick or treating to all of our friends. I have been a parent for four Halloweens and this is the first time I have takent he girls trick or treating. There is a slight guilt for this. I feel as if I have missed out on at least two great years of dress up, freezing weather and a unholy amount of candy. It is odd to think this wasn't a priority before. Picking out costumes was such a fun experience of the personalities of my girls. As my mother and I walk through target the girls have a idea of what they want to be. Koday wants to be a princess and Corbynn thinks she would like to be a fairy. Suddenly Corbynn see's this hilarous riding dinorsar costume, and she just goes ga ga over it. She really wants it. I almost couldn't believe it and she kept to it. She is now going to be a riding dino and Koda true to form, a princess.

We got back to Salt Lake on Tuesday night spent the five hour drive with two girls sleeping and me singing bad 80 music. Luckily the girls didn't wake up once from the freeway to the turn into the house. It made for a silient drive. Made it back in almost record time to Anthony sitting in the drive way ready to help me unload to sleeping girls.

It is really hard to think that I might not see them dressed up for another halloween. I don't really believe it yet.