Left behind
Unreachable
Forgotten
Lonely
Unsure
Fierce
Unpredictable
Afraid
Anger
Let down
Hurt
Sick
Alone.


All of these feelings I am letting go of right now. They are not needed or wanted in my life. 

well I am now officially not 25 any more. 
My birthday came in with a bang. The wonderful Mr. Jones made me my favorite red velvet cupcakes at midnight to bring in my birthday. 
      Once again I get to celebrate a birthday that I wasn't suppose to have. I have to believe that every birthday I have is one step closer to a cure. I need that right now. 
     The day of my birthday was not so great. I manages to blow out my knee and now I am stuck on my couch doing nothing. Waiting for a dr.'s appointment in an hour.  I'll let you know... how it goes later. At least it is not a cancer appointment just a knee one. 

What I know

                I have often wondered how this journey has shaped me. What would my life have been like if I never knew that this life could be shortened in a matter of sentences? Would I have gone out to find a calling, community, love, and understanding for myself? I can’t answer these because I do not know.  

                What do I know? I know that I feel the moments that pass, that I love the days for what they are.  I never miss a sunset unless the world gets away with me which, happens all the time. I know that I went through 21 years of not knowing how to open my heart. I know how painful grieve can be. I know what love is and that most of the time it isn’t easy.

                Through the immense darkness that consumed my life over the first few years of cancer lead me to a light that fills my heart even as the demon puts a wrecking ball through my flesh.  Cancer has changed who I am. Opened my eyes to a community of hearts all connected through the joy of life and the pain of death.

                The morning they gave me a matter of months to live was enough to throw me into a melt-down that led so deep that I thought I couldn’t take a breath. The darkness that led to reckless led directly to awakening.  I ended up in a desert in the middle of Nevada with no one I knew. I had hoped that I could make my early death sentence happen a little sooner. Instead I found a temple where I cried and cried until my body ached. Forgiveness rushed through my body as I let go of all the guilt I carried for being sick.  A love for myself that I had never felt over took my heart and has never gone away. 

                I cannot say why cancer came so early. Or why it is never easy. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for the wings that cancer has given me. It has taking away years of my life and continues to push my body to its absolute limits. Cancer tests my body hour to hour as my body starts to fail.  Yet, cancer gave me a life. It opened my eyes to see a clearer me. It gave me the ability to experience the hours that pass.

                I would never wish this pain upon anyone. I would stretch myself to the ends of the world to find a cure.  I will go to bed with an open heart waiting for the technology to save me. If technology does not come in time to take these tumors away then I will stand tall and thank the world for giving me life.

 

Sorry I am sick today but, look at this wonderful piece of art from burning man.

Mountain Bike Riding

   I have been living in Eagle for almost a year now with the knowledge that there are some amazing mountain biking trails within 1000ft of my front door. Have I been out even once this whole entire summer? Nope. Lazy me has not even thought of riding up those trails until yesterday. 
    Sean and I are once again quitting smoking. Let me tell you this is always a good time with two going cold turkey at once. It makes life a little more interesting in our neck of the woods. Sean likes to stay home and workout while he is quitting. He can't socialize with anyone for at least a couple weeks while his smoking habit settles down. I on the other hand need to get out of the house and do go places. Sitting around the house makes me WANT to smoke. 
    Yesterday the only thing Sean and I could agree on was bike riding. I wanted to take out our cruisers and just meander around. Sean wanted to hit the foot hills behind our house. As you can imagine Sean won and I lost and off to the peaks we went. I was less than enthused to be honest but, off we went anyway. 
    It was great to get out there and just ride. You couldn't think of anything but the trail that was right in front of you which when your mind has been stuck on something that works out great.  My legs are not as strong as the once were but, they made the effort and I made it up hill. That is what matters. Now I just need a work out friend and this fall will be off with a kick.

    It is incredible to watch our family grow and change. As they grow up so do their successes and problems. I think they talk about terrible two's a lot just to get a new parent through those years. Maybe, they leave out the growing pains of childhood because it would give any new parent a reason to drop dead cry.
   Pride is the only way you can express the joy of your child getting into a Gifted and Talented program. As we have started moving forward with this new adventure we are already seeing the hardships that are to come. Our wonderful GATE teacher Bob is one of the most amazing, caring, intelligent teaches I have ever met. He is more than a teacher; he is a educator at heart. I have never received weekly emails on homework, progress, successes and failures. I am amazed at his dedication to our kids and their personal growth. I enjoy his emails explaining how much of a stretch this year is suppose to be. How they are going to struggle and how to support them. I believe my girlfriend said it best "Having a gifted child is just like have a child with a learning disability; they both come with a lot emotions" We are figuring this out very fast. 
      Dakota is on her way to a diagnosis of dyslexia and I couldn't be more relieved to know why she is struggling. I have spent a year trying to get her personal help and now she has it. Her first grade teacher seems committed to helping her. I am worried about with this will mean for our family but, I know it is only going to get better.
         Corbynn is wonderful as normal.... Mouthy, funny, and always here for a hug. She is excelling in school and at home. LOVE HER.. luckily things are just as the always are with her right now. I know that won't last but, if I had three in transition I might loose it.

Love

Dressed up for the white party!

I love thee, 

I love thee with a love

that shall not die.

Till the sun grows

cold and the 

stars grow old.

–William Shakespeare

Schools in session

Girls at school!

School started two weeks ago and we are now getting into the swing of all things school. When three kids go to two different school with one that doesn't buss creates a mass amount of chaos. During a time where my brain doesn't want to fully function yet.
       As you may remember me bitching hysterically politely expressing frustrations about the gifted and talented program in our district. All of that is in the past and now for the first time Eli is being challenged to work harder in every way. So we are working on his organizational skills a lot because he sucks struggles at keeping his papers and research accessible. He also has never used his study skills because he never had a project  challenging enough to bring home to encouraged study habits. I know this year is going to be challenging for Eli; going to a new school, not being the "smartest" one in class, and struggling with school work. I am a little worried that this will be a rough school year as he learns to make better choices about school work yet, I am so excited to see him make strides forward. He has also taken up viola with the school orchestra! 
       Koda is just a happy camper in first grade. I love watching her grow and learn. She is  our "Susie Sunshine" child. She is shy and reserved and hesitant moving forward with new challenges. She is still struggling with reading but mostly due to her insecurities. That is what this year is about; helping Koda's self image. Hopefully we can help her grow and glow in her own beauty and intelligence.                                                                                                                              Corbynn couldn't not more in LOVE with kindergarten. She is a little crazy excited in the morning and right after school. Her smile is so wide that it could light up a room when she runs off the buss with her hands raised above her head screaming "This is the BEST day of my whole life" (that should be in caps due to her pitch being so high that I could barely understand her) Corbynn can be such a brat handful but, she is more expressive than any child I have met.

   It seems as if I have been dubious about writing about my emotions lately. Is it due to more people reading my blog? Probably not; I think more than likely it is because writing those emotions down makes them real.  Even the great emotions are hard to express because I spent so long not having those amazing feelings.
    It has been a year with Sean. I can tell you that my heart lifts every time he walks in the room. I love the way his arms wrap around my body at night before we fall asleep. I am in awe of how much work he puts in everyday. His ability to continue to give and give is inspiring. He is calm and thinks through his thoughts before making decisions that impact our family. I have had a hard year with treatments, mood stabilizers, and weight gains and loss and Sean stood next to me supporting my emotions.                                                                                                                                   I am THANKFUL to have Mr. Jones as part of my life. I am looking forward to the years that we have ahead of us.  

During Construction of the temple

    

     We are home from burning man! I know I was way to busy to update you much leading up to the burn  but, we settled back in at home and now I have some time.        
     As always the burn has left me with mixed emotions. I struggled at the bun this year more than normal. I had my medication changed before heading to Burning Man. ( I really should have known better) I had emotional crisis's for the first few days while my meds peaked and dropped. So that was not great. 
    However, the rest of the burn was wonderful. We saw amazing art structures built and burned to the ground. I find it funny that everyone thinks that Burning Man is a hippie drug festival when in fact it is more of a art and music festival.  Yes, you can find anything at Burning Man drugs, sex, and a lot of other things that I never sought out. I am sure some go for these activities but, I go for the temple, art, love, and family. It is one of the only places in the world where I feel more connected to my spiritual side. 
     I sat for hours at the temple reading peoples messages. It is amazing how people poor the hearts out for one week; working, building, letting go of emotion, and finding them selves. The burn pulls everything from my heart and lays it out to be seen. The truth that is so apparent at the burn is hidden here because there is NO judgment there. It doesn't matter what you have done, believe, do outside of the city. For that week you are just you and that came be anyone. 
        That is all for now!