I have often wondered how this journey has shaped me. What would my life have been like if I never knew that this life could be shortened in a matter of sentences? Would I have gone out to find a calling, community, love, and understanding for myself? I can’t answer these because I do not know.
What do I know? I know that I feel the moments that pass, that I love the days for what they are. I never miss a sunset unless the world gets away with me which, happens all the time. I know that I went through 21 years of not knowing how to open my heart. I know how painful grieve can be. I know what love is and that most of the time it isn’t easy.
Through the immense darkness that consumed my life over the first few years of cancer lead me to a light that fills my heart even as the demon puts a wrecking ball through my flesh. Cancer has changed who I am. Opened my eyes to a community of hearts all connected through the joy of life and the pain of death.
The morning they gave me a matter of months to live was enough to throw me into a melt-down that led so deep that I thought I couldn’t take a breath. The darkness that led to reckless led directly to awakening. I ended up in a desert in the middle of Nevada with no one I knew. I had hoped that I could make my early death sentence happen a little sooner. Instead I found a temple where I cried and cried until my body ached. Forgiveness rushed through my body as I let go of all the guilt I carried for being sick. A love for myself that I had never felt over took my heart and has never gone away.
I cannot say why cancer came so early. Or why it is never easy. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for the wings that cancer has given me. It has taking away years of my life and continues to push my body to its absolute limits. Cancer tests my body hour to hour as my body starts to fail. Yet, cancer gave me a life. It opened my eyes to see a clearer me. It gave me the ability to experience the hours that pass.
I would never wish this pain upon anyone. I would stretch myself to the ends of the world to find a cure. I will go to bed with an open heart waiting for the technology to save me. If technology does not come in time to take these tumors away then I will stand tall and thank the world for giving me life.