10.30.2011

Up and Coming!

 Once again I am going to be a busy girl the next couple of weeks.

Monday – Friday at ungodly hour in the morning radiation. Moving away from my neck radiation for a while; moving on to other tumors that seem to be popping up everywhere.

Monday- Friday 10-31 – 11-11 More Real Estate Classes 8-5:30

Monday the 31^st- Halloween hits the Joneses. Eli’s costume still needs some work; mostly blood. The girls need hair and makeup for their Queen costumes.

Tuesday Nov, 1^st. Sean’s Dentist appointment at four.

Then we have count it three Parent Teacher conferences. Yuck to say the least. Other than all this we have some appointments that have to be canceled.  IE: my dentist, dog checkup, and child wellness checks. These will have to wait till later.

Hopefully you will be hearing from me still.

10.27.11

Brain holes

          All this brain radiation has left me with some holes in there. It has caused a little bit of confusion in there a lot. I keep losing things, I can’t put myself in order. My mental clarity is not as clear as I want it to be a lot of the time after radiation.  My dreams are vivid; so vivid I think they are real a lot of times. They don’t just come at night anymore. I fall asleep during the day and wake up very disoriented.

          The other day I awoke after having the strangest experience ever. I could remember sitting in the car driving down I-05 talking about people of Wal-Mart and I look over and there is Brett. Just looking at me like wtf are you talking about. Suddenly his face changed and he laughed and asked If I remembered shaving is head. Then gave me shit for not shaving mine that day; he blamed his sister for talking me out of it.

          It felt so real. The doctors say the mind does strange things while it is healing. That I am going to experience seizures but, never told me I was going to have dreams that were so real they feel like memories.

Life is amazing.

Thanks for stopping by Brett.

10.25.2011

       Bravery is a feeling. A feeling that doesn’t mean you’re physically strong. It means you stand up for yourself. That you move forward when you want to hide. Being brave means you cry and never feel ashamed. That means you support your family even when you’re afraid. Bravery means you hold your values up high for everyone to see. Bravery is more than an action. Bravery is being who you are.

        
         When you are brave you love with your whole heart! You jump in with two feet knowing it will be hard. 

            This year has been about change and part of that change was beginning to believe I was brave enough to fight back. Not just fight my body but, fight for my life that I had given up on.  I let myself die well before my time.  I have this chance to truly live.

       I am so happy to be in the medical trial. I am grateful for the scientist that worked all night to find a way to fight cancer differently. 

       I want to become brave. I want to continue this fight with a smile. I want this fight to be second to this wonderful journey that I am part of. 

     My family is incredible. My children are amazing. The way Eli can talk me into playing any game just to see his brain at work. The way Koda looks at me when her nails are newly painted like I am a hero. Watching Corbynn get off the bus from school as she plants her feet on the grass and SCREAMS “THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE” every day.

     Mr. Jones shows me every day that I can give more love than I knew I had left. Mr. Jones is brave beside me when I am not. Mr. Jones is incredible.

       Cancer is a side note to a wonderful life of minutes and experience that are worth every moment of pain.

not to my life. It will be here until they find a way to cure it. My life is my family.

P.S.  I love this http://bravegirlsclub.com/soul-restoration-1

 Someday when I can take 100 dollars and spend it on just me I am going to take this online class. I am going to spend time on my soul.  I am going to nature that brave girl that is inside me with these amazing ladies. For now I am just going to watch from the forum and be inspired to be brave every day.

10.24.11

   Do you ever look at other bloggers blogs in awe? I find myself sifting through blogs wondering how they became so awesome and why I am a little blog challenged. Seriously; I think my computer skills may be on the lacking side. I need a face lift with no idea how to get one.  This all leads to blogs I love to look at. Here are my top five blogs I love to look at.

1.  http://redhandedphotography.blogspot.com/

2.  http://www.projectalicia.com/

3.  http://herhousehold.blogspot.com/

4. http://badlemonyogurt.blogspot.com/

5. http://motherhoodunplugged.com/

May need to take a writing and page layout/creativity class.  

Ps. I have pictures for you tomorrow...

Halloween with the Joneses.

Our scary skeleton

Sean and the girls pumpkins

Sean's pumpkin

Corbynn's Ghost

Dakota's Panda

Better picture of Sean's pumpkin!

Sean's fun face.

Ten things that drive me crazy

10 Things that drive me crazy on Saturday mornings.

1.    When the dogs bark at the door and nothing is there,

2.   When I wake up to fucking early.

3.   The house is SO cold that I can’t get out of the shower.

4.   Sean start juicing before I have put on my pants.

5.   The neighborhood kids are ringing the doorbell before I have left the sheets.

6.   I can’t find anyone stupid enough to go get the paper for me when it is 40 degrees outside. (What am I going to do when it is 20?)

7.   When I have the energy to move the planets but not the motivation to move off the couch.

8.   My day starts overwhelmed by kid activities.

9.   When coffee just isn’t enough.

10.                When FUCK YOU sounds better than I love you.

The community I love

                I don’t know if I give my community enough praise for all of the amazing things that they do. They are truly selfless in many ways. The Burning Man community goes beyond what is ever expected of them.

       This community has a reach that could give to the moon. This weekend they are throwing a fundraiser for another woman in the community with cancer. They are holding a silent auction to help her raise money to go to the Gershan center.  The Gershan center is an Organic Cancer center. They try and heal cancer through diet instead of killing you with chemo.

       It makes me proud to have a group of people that stand tall by others when they are falling apart. They are an amazing artistic group that will hold fundraisers, parties, and meeting in order to help a person move forward with their life.  I find peace with the knowledge that my community will be there to hold me up too.

       I am humbled by the generosity of our community that fill my heart with joy. That has made a community into a family that I am proud to have. I am grateful for the family that I have been able to be part of.

Did you know that my boobs are lop sided? Did you know when I bend over they look something like pancakes? Did you know that insurance pays for new ta ta.. Well that is if you have insurance. I look in the mirror everyday now that I have loss this weight and my boobs were already fucked different after the lump ectomy.
 I know this shouldn't be a big deal but, I don't ever want to put on a swim suit. I feel like I some how along the way joined the itty bitty tittie committee. I didn't even want to apply and apparently a 35mm tumor is enough to make one nipple point north and another point south. Go Cancer right?
I don't know what to really say other than cancer has so many effects on my  life that I wonder what I would be like with out it. My body might look a hell of a lot better if I didn't have it.

Old pictures

Conflicted

I feel conflicted today. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't put you in a great place. It never fails that when you try and do the right thing that it can blow up in your face.

 I came home the other night and confided in Mr. Jones about feeling conflicted about some event that had gone on during the night. Of course when you share those feeling you set them up for being open feelings that get shared around.

Anyway long story short; I feel better today and that is what matters right?


One the other note. OMG I had the fucking stomach flu and boy did it stick my on my ass. I have to admit that it was awful. I woke up drenched in sweat feeling a little nausous at two... By two thirty I was hugging the poclien god. This continued all night until noon the next day.

My entire body was on fire. My legs were throbbing. My stomach screaming. Everything HURT. I couldn't even get up to make lunch..fuck I couldn't even get dressed. It was awful I went from the couch to the bathtub to bed a dozen times. Never getting down anything to eat. I finally was able to take some advil about 6 and wow the difference that made.
I fell asleep at seven and slept till seven and I am still tired. I know everyone in the family will get it. It just sucks to know that I always get it the worst because of all this treatment.

Thanks to Sleeping in the bushes!

Rabbit hole

Down the rabbit hole
To so many places unkown
To match my own concepts
To find a new idea
I run around the rabbit hole
Afraid to move forward
Afraid not to move at all
Hoping to find the truth
The truth that lies deep with in
My own depths.
I pivot to run
Only to fall right in.
Now what?

Go the Fuck to Sleep -read by Samuel L Jackson

Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You