Feeling like nesting.

I have been fighting the need to nest lately. I would like to call it decorate, but due to my lack of skills we will call it nesting. I think it is part of getting off all of my drugs and starting to see that I need things to fill my day with. I have a lot less energy these days, however I seem to have a lot more drive.

I have been getting the little things done which is NICE; I need the accomplishments right now. I need to feel like things are happening. Success is a great feeling and I crave it constantly these days.
Work has been hard with the lack of energy. I have been having trouble connecting to the world lately. My clients must feel that: I don't feel like conversation with the amount of stress that seems to be all over me. 

The days roll on with out much news of cancer related things. The things I know are that I signed a paper stating I know I have had my life time amount of recommended radiation and that I plan on having much more. I often wonder if I could cook raw chicken before it hits my stomach due to the amount of radiation that is in my body.

I wonder if I am going die of something related to this crap... I would guess the probability is high...

Everything will be alright everyday is a day worth living and I am thankful to see my children grow into little REAL people. To see my relationship grow into an amazing story of love and commitment.

Puke and More.

You heard it ladies and gentles we had the week of puke. Well truly just one day full of it, but it felt like it was never ending. Corbynn of course came down with it on Wednesday and that was it for our week until Friday. Poor little girl had it SO bad. Corbynn always seem to get it the worst.

Fighting my food urges is hard right now. I feel like I should eat all the time even when I am not at all hungry. I need SOME kind of control. Juiced this morning though which is always AWESOME. Starting my day off right. I also had crab salad for lunch with a friends couldn't be happier about that. (lets not talk about the Halloween snack size crunch bar I ate too)

 

Love a self portrait. Seriously.

I am have a lot on mind today so I think I will just continue to work through my thoughts maybe a I will a full one by the end of the day.

a little a day

A little a day. 

My old shrink in SLC used to say this about being happy.

That if you could be happy for a minute a day that tomorrow you would be happy for more. 

I am slowly working on losing the ten pounds I put on since my breast reconstruction and hysterectomy. I know that I am processing differently now and it is going to take a lot more to lose the weight. I don't think I am eating more but, I am gaining weight week to week. 

I need ore time at the gym that is for sure. I am guessing that I need to add 2 hour long cadio workout to my current routine. I am having trouble even wanting to do this when every time I hit the gym I come home five pounds heavier instead of lighter. 

We made it to the gym on Thursday and out dancing. We didn't make it yesterday so today I have to get something in for at least an hour. 

Oh... we juiced again this morning and let me tell you .... DON'T do tomatoes, basil, and garlic, not only will you smell awful it tastes like someone threw up in your mouth. 

Still on the taste buds a few hours later. YUCK

Yep it is fall.

You may wonder how I know? I know because my 6 year old once again can't breathe. Asthma sucks! There is no other way to say. I hate watching her struggle to take down a breathe. She should be out running around in the cool air.  Nope instead she is sitting here next to me and the couch missing school taking steroids and running around with a oxygen saturation monitor.

Two full days of coffee and gasping. It is always a a great time. Well I am going to leave you with some pictures because honestly I want to nap with the little one.

today

My in-laws headed back to Montana today, makes me a little sad the Grandma's are fun to have around. I am one of those strangely lucky girls who has in-laws that I can not only stand, but truly enjoy being around.

We did it all this weekend: Went to the haunted woods with Eli, Kia, and Julie which was just pure fun. The kids seem to enjoy being scared and I just love the great costumes and the increased heart beat.

We also took the whole family to a local pumpkin patch. It was a tad overpriced I thought. It cost us almost 90 dollars to get in the gates. They had a small jumping area, a petting zoo, and a play ground. We rode on a small hay ride out to a huge field that had a TON of pumpkins.  Everyone picked out their pumpkins and when headed out. Another .30 a pound and we were on our way.

Truth and Love.

This smile and body coming back.

Is it taboo to talk about depression and meds? Well, you know what I am going to talk about it. I have struggled the last two years with depression. I began noticing that I liked to be in bed more than out. I felt like my fuse was short nonexistent. I was feeling like every day it was about getting through the day. Not yelling at the kids or hiding in the closet.

I went through four dosage changes and three ad-on medications. One antidepressent, one ADHD med, and a anti anxiety med. Life changes happened and a lot of the stress went away but, I kept taking the meds because they gave me energy they also gave a emotional roller coaster. Sean starting talking about those ups and downs apparently the down all  came on after he was at work. My attidude was half empty kind of concept. For a while maybe our lives were only half emtpy, things just kept happening kept getting worse.

Now those times have lifted but the way I view it has not. It has gotten so bad that I started marking negative comments down in my day planner and wow I am a lot more negative than I would like to be. Have I always been a powerful positive force in my own life and yet I have let myself get into a rut.

I AM GETTING OUT.

Part of getting out is going to be writing all this down. I am off all my meds and moving towards working out 5 days a week, less drugs, and more smiles. I am in the fake it until you make kind of mode. Staying aware will be my job. Every comment that comes out of my mouth I need to think about whether it makes me feel and look positive.

For the next thirty days I am moving forward and hopefully this awful habit that I am now.

Commitments

I know being absent should make the heart grow fonder, but honestly I have just been reading everyone else's blogs and not even commenting. I have found a soft spot for fluffy life style blogs. They are like no thought reading and have increased my wardrobe significantly. They have also given me hope for being more positive. I think you may have all noticed the negative Nancy hanging in my back corner for the last few months well I am on a mission to find a new coach. One that turns my glass upside down. We went to the coast for a few days for my birthday, our anniversary, and to spread Sean's dads ashes. That is another post. So onto my commitment... One post 6 days a week. Coming your way. life