Tea Parties

once upon a time three little girls wanted to tea party. As most of us know I am not much into the creative side of life. I am more of a lets keep it clean and not make to much of a mess that I need to clean up later. However these were new friends and I felt like it was time to make a bit of impression to make this a fun adventure. So we made crowns and draped cloth for a wonderful tea party.

To bad that Koda is violently ill with heat stroke and kept throwing up through out her party. I felt horrible for her. She was tired and sick and really needed to just lay around. The rest of the kids did awesome went swimming and played around inside, then outside.

a day in pictures

pre-makeup

Out side playing before I got ready for the day

Teaching a friends little one to use my camera

Stolen Binkies

My feet at the park

Ontop of something tall

hanging upside down like a little monkey

totally tired and using self timer mode

Attach of wet, wet, wet dog

Loving my new use of self timer. However,  exhausted and wishing there was someone around to take them

tired and now relaxed. If I had one of me sleeping it would be full circle today

favorite shot of the day!

EEG

Electroencephalography (EEG) is the recording of electrical activity along the scalp produced by the firing of neurons within the brain.[2] In clinical contexts, EEG refers to the recording of the brain's spontaneous electrical activity over a short period of time, usually 20–40 minutes, as recorded from multiple electrodes placed on the scalp. In neurology, the main diagnostic application of EEG is in the case of epilepsy, as epileptic activity can create clear abnormalities on a standard EEG study.[3] A secondary clinical use of EEG is in the diagnosis of coma, encephalopathy's, and brain death. EEG used to be a first-line method for the diagnosis of tumors, stroke and other focal brain disorders, but this use has decreased with the advent of anatomical imaging techniques such as MRI and CT.




Derivatives of the EEG technique include evoked potentials (EP), which involves averaging the EEG activity time-locked to the presentation of a stimulus of some sort (visual, somatosensory, or auditory). Event-related potentials refer to averaged EEG responses that are time-locked to more complex processing of stimuli; this technique is used in cognitive science, cognitive psychology, and psychophysiological research.



I had a EEG done this week, it is my second in the last month. I can't really explain to you the amount of anxiety this causes me for something that isn't that big of a deal. I hate when they decided to mess with my brain in ways that I cannot control. Secondly it is really weird deal, you go in and they set you in this super comfortable chair attach millions of little sticky things in your hair. Tell you not to sleep or eat before hand and want you to think you are going to have a relaxing forty minutes to sit. In all reality they want you to seizure or show signs of low or high brain activity. For me they look at my brain tumor and what kind of issue it is causing for me currently. They then compare this to my MRI and look for pattern that could show what kind of changes are taking place in my brain. They ask you to breath really fast, then they ask you to be calm, then suddenly they pull out the crazy flashing lights. Wow it is odd. Not  a very enjoyable experience. The people are nice but, they are like the ones that draw your blood just kinda there. Not to mention they have this secret hope that you freak out I think.
  This also creates fear for me. The fear of getting worse. I hate that they can track what is going on. Sometimes not knowing is something of a blessing because knowing can be horrible. I hate that some days I just don't remember anything some days, my body hurts and I just want to quit all treatments. I want to live a normal life where the doctor isn't a normal experience for me. I am grateful for the help of doctor, nurses and my now amazing family. I am grateful for the amount of comfort I get from blogging and reading other peoples inspirational stories. I am AFRAID of dying with out truly living.

Food for thought. You are what you eat. Tomorrow I start eating just clear liquid does this make me translucent?

laughter

I picked up my little ones at my fathers farm this morning. They had gone out to the farm to enjoy some starberriers and treehouse fun. My dad told me that they sat in the starberry batch for an hour picking and eating starberries. Then they played in the sand box until I arrived to retrieve my munchins.  At first glance I wasn't sure if they were mine. Mudd, straberry juiced faces, black feet, and crazy laughter. I couldn't believe how dirty these two little girls have got in less than three hours.  They looked like someone had taken a gargage pale and unloaded it on to them. They were insanely happy and funny.  Koda laughing away at grandpa who was happy just to have them there. Her smile just ringing through her eyes. She is incredible child with so much depth and senserity. Her way of making everything matter; she knows how to turn a second into a moment. She knows how to hug like a mother hugs a child. She is older than her years by lifetimes. I can't tell you how much I love this child.

Going blonde

   I made a drastic change this week. I am now officially a Blondie. I haven't been a blondie almost five years it is so odd to see your self completely different. I am always up for a change however most of the time it is just a hair cut and some highlights in my really dark hair.
   My daughter prompted this change. I was talking to her on the phone the other day and she told me she really wanted me to look like her. She wanted me to be a Blondie so she could say she got her hair color from me. It was one of the cutest conversations I had ever had with her. She wanted to be just like mommy even if that meant dying her amazing hair red, so that we all looked the same. Koda was tired of being odd kid out; which she really isn't her father has dark brown hair, I have medium brown with a little red, and Corbynns bright red hair can't be ignored. So we are all kind of odd out. She was so happy when she saw me, she lit up and started screaming. She is such a sweet old soul. I am humbled by my daughter ability to give and be completely selfless. I am learning everyday that she is such a powerful woman. I can't wait for her to grow up. I want to see what she will become as she continues to change with time.  I can only imagine her as a teenager: tall, skinny, beautiful and elegant. She is going to be a striking woman with power behind her. She is currently a amazing talented girl with so much light. I am so in love with this child.

Fear

Do you ever use fear as a crutch?  I find myself using fear as a way not to live my life. Do you ever hear your self saying.

I am not ready?
I might fall.
They might reject me.
what would the neighbors think?
I am afraid to tell my Husband/wife?
I might get hurt.
I may have to change
It might cost me money.
I would rather die first.
I don't want anyone to know I have a problem.
I am afraid to express my true feelings.
Don't want to talk about it.
I don't have the energy.
Who knows where I might end up?
I may lose my freedom.
I don't have enough money now.
It's to hard to do.
I might hurt myself.
I might lose friends.
I don't trust anyone.
It might hurt my image.
I might die before I am done.

I know that I have let my fear of dying control my fear of living. I have let my fear of failing stop me from pursuing most of my dreams. I know that my self doubt has cost me my confidence. I know that my fear of god has led to my struggles with love, religion, church, men, and most of all myself.  I am choosing not to let fear take charge of my life. I am who I am I shall not fear who I may become if I try to be me. 

I am making room for the new in my life with that; the old has to go. All the spiderwebs in the corners of my rooms have to go. I need to let go of all the pain in order to make room for the new and improved. I have been letting go of all the things that I have been holding on to, in order to hold my life back in my hands again. I have lost something, I am going to find it; I PROMISE.  I have been keeping people in my life that weren't here for me and were just pieces of memories that I still wanted to hold on to. It wasn't that any of them were really friends; they were all just pieces of a life that happened to be mine. Not letting go of the past keeps me from moving forward with now. I have been using the past and people from my past to keep me in this never ending state of nothing. I haven't let myself grow in years; the fear of who I would be was too much. I want to see the change that I know I am capable of.

A positive affirmation came to me today.  Some days I forget there is such a thing as positive growth.  Here ya go.
In the infinity of life where I am,
all is perfect, whole and complete,
Change is the natural law of my life,
I welcome change, I am willing to change.
I choose to change the words I use.
I move from the old to the new with ease and with joy.
It is easier for me to forgive than I thought,
Forgiving makes me feel free and light. I it is with joy
that I learn to love myself more and more. The more resentment I release, the more love I have to express.
Changing my thoughts makes me feel good.
I am learning to choose to make today a pleasure to experience.

I am one with my creator today. All is well in my world.

On me

Waking up this morning was something of a trick with the girls back in town. I am used to a couple hours to figure out how to wake up. My brain truly doesn't function that early, there are layers of fog that need to lift. I can't really focus and my brain truly hurts. I have trouble keeping track of myself that early let alone two little girls that want early morning fun ei: outside adventures, play dough, cutting, any craft must include loud noises. I at this time in the morning want caffeine or tea and some quiet time. I know that I just don't do mornings anymore. I used to love to wake up before the sun came up and stay up way to late. These days I believe I should be in bed at 7pm in order to wake up at 8am... I know this is sad but, SO SO true.

My brain feels like it is on fire today. It burns when my eyes see the sun. I get this feeling like everything is going black and then the little bubbles start in. I try to ignore the signs the best I can but, a seizure is on the way whether I like it or not. Most of the time I find a floor and lay down and hope that it is small and I don't go unconscious. Sometimes, I just lay on the bed and pray that it never comes. It always does, the prayers don't save me from that. I know that however it feel good to talk to someone in that moment that can't say anything back. I don't pray that things will get better to be honest, I only pray that it will stop. I sit there in my silence while my muscles jerk uncontrollably and my eyes go cross. Nothing in my brain really works for a while after that. Then everything else go wrong right behind; first I lose feeling in my leg then my headache gets worse, then I slowly feel like I am a little lost with in myself. Every things in my brain seems to be working just on the slowest pace possible. This is something I hate. This is something I don't get to say. I hate it. There thank you.