twilight.

Okay so for the most part I have HUGE issues with twilight. I hate the fact that my generation of people are going to be those know as the kids who loved sparkly vampires. For me that is a big no no. I don't want to be known as a generation that killed good romance. The movies are done with horrible acting and even worse side effects. Not to mention the fact that you can either be a vampire lover or a wolf lover and depending on who you choose mean that you get to have buttons, and shirt with their faces on them. So that the rest of the world knows what side they have chosen. I really can't believe my generation of girls are learning to masturbate to sparkly vampires. However, the books are not that bad. I started reading them after the first movie came out mostly just to find out if they were as bad as the movies. I really liked the books though. They are filled with morals, love, and reason not to be judgemental against those who are different from you. I am surprised that at how much I enjoy those things in the books I read. I wouldn't say that it is a must but, I am a little more into the book if it makes me feel better about be HUMAN.

It has been raining for days. It has been dark out side the last couple of days. I love the rain. It makes me feel clean and refreshed. I love the way the house smells when I open the windows. I love that the lilacs bloom when it rains. I love that I can taste the rain in the air. It is always amazes me when someone can look up at the sky and just know it is going to rain. I feel like I haven't paid enough attention to the world that I am living in. I try to give mother nature the most respect possible. Last year I saw a flash flood. The beauty of the rain is great powerful with force. I had never seen her in full movement. The extreme power and rage, then followed by ... peace.

I know you all must think I am obsessed with peace lately it is because I am. I a obsessed with the idea at feeling at peace. I want it back and I am going to continue doing all the things that make me who I am. I figure I will find it if I just keep doing what I am doing.

I have had moments of pure joy and pain this week. It has been a week of change and new experiences. Every one of them exciting and challenging. I am proud of myself for some of these changes in me. I am proud that I have opened back up my heart again for both pain and love. I am proud that I am saying all the things that I have never felt strong enough to say. I guess today I am proud.

Lifes little things.

I am struggling to hold on to reality. The feelings of sickness wave over me today. I am still struggling to hold it together at work. I am falling short at work but, it is really hard to keep it together when your body is screaming at you. I am sure that this will too pass soon. I know my body will begin to overpower the drugs and I will feel better. My skin burns and then tingles and my bones just feel frail today. I am glad that I won't be losing any hair however I do just feel like it would be better if my hair did fall out; then it wouldn't be such a pain in my butt.
I let it all out today, I gave in and stopped trying to feel in control. I just let it all go. I said everything that I could possible say to make a impression. I cried out every frustration I could have had. I cried for my kids, myself, my mother, Bryan, My brother. I let go of so much pain. I could feel it rushing out of me with ever tear. I had no idea what a sense of personal peace it would bring. I felt relaxed after more relaxed than I have felt in months. I felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted from me. A lot of feelings I had been harboring inside left me. I am at peace with my thoughts.

I saw something today that made my day. It made me feel like a was soaring above the world and it didn't even happen to me. I was walking down a street in the down town block of good old boise idaho and ahead of me was a Mother and her child. I am guess the child was around 4 maybe five in a pink dress, red tights and some tennis shoes. I know for a fact that that little girl found her own clothes this morning and that her more than fab mother was not so happy about the choice. However the way this mother was staring at her child was awe inspiring. It made my heart bounce. I saw the light in her eyes as she took everything in that was her child. The way she moved and laughed with her on her hip. The child almost as big as her. I was proud.... Once again proud to be human. Proud to know that we are here still loving our world. She was a sight to be seen. Mother in absolute LOVE with child.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring to me. I pray tonight that it will be enough to keep my smile. I am sure that it will be. It will once again light up my heart with love for this life.

Thought of the day: How long does it take for you to go outside in the morning?
I only ask this because this morning I saw a amazing thing.... The sun rise.

the peace.

After sharing the cemetery story with you last week I just wanted to post some pictures of this great resting place. I know that it seems this would be a depression adventure however, I felt so much at peace there. I see so much love there. I love the grass under my feet the trees above me. I loved seeing the little pieces of info on all the stones. A couple hundred years of history in the ground. I am in love with this life and with the hope for the next if there is one.

Dr. Suess

Does anyone else like to look at their feet? Today while at work I came to notice that I often stare at my feet... Why; you might ask your self. Well I will tell you why. I kinda think they are cute. Not many people think their feet our cute however, I catch myself daily smiling about my feet... Odd uh? Weird fact of the day. I like my feet.



On a side note; I struggled today. I feel overwhelmed in medical today... The bills are mounting and I am struggling to find the resources that I once had to keep up with them however, every day there is something that happens that makes it possible to make another payment to find another source of income. I still wish every day that I could be just at home with my girls through these last few months. Just being there would change everything. I want to teach them how to read this summer. I will be lucky if I get to read to them this summer. Sad face followed by deep breathe. I work all the time to make it possible to keep this shit going. Yet I am not even sure if I am making a difference in me. What if I am working this hard for nothing, what if I am losing time with girls for nothing.

On the plus side it is now tuesday and that means the girls are one more day closer to be being at home. I miss them so much, I can't believe how much my life has changed in the last month with out them here. I don't seem to have a purpose. I am excited for them to be home. I love the smile on their faces when they come home.

words for thought...

when you're in love you can't fall asleep because the reality is better than the dream.
Dr. Suess
How do you dream?

Survivor

I want to be more than a survivor! I was looking at all my survivor gear today, I never noticed that when you are a survivor you end up with all of this stuff; brackets, necklaces, t-shirts, pants, buttons. I am a survivor just by all the gear. I have walked so many laps for my fellow survivors, I have made it through many days of pain, sorrow and heart ache. Yet I want more.

I want to change the view of us survivors. I am more than the word cancer. Yes cancer changed my life but, who else am I? I am more than that. I am a face, a voice, a believer. I am HOPE. I am Coey: what does that mean? That means that I am fun, crazy, unwilling, wicked, managing. I am a lot of things. I am changing every day and I am hoping that I continue to do this my way.

It is Sunday so here are the things that I am admitting this week for you.

1. I haven't been blogging as often as I should because I was losing hope and belief in my self.

2. I feel ugly today.

3. I don't know how to follow my heart.

4. I am scared of bugs,

5. I tested my morals this week and failed and won.

6. I was caught in my own world with out thinking of others.

7. I felt fear today for something that should come so easy to me... LOVE.

8. I didn't want want to share.

9. I craved time for myself.

10. I wanted to feel something that I haven't wanted to feel in years.

These are things that I felt, I am not proud of all of them but here they are for you to see.

I sometimes feel like I am falling down a well that doesn't have a bottom. I don't know where I am going. I want to run away from myself today. I want to find a place where everything is different. I want to wake up and not feel my neck cringe in pain. I want to remember all the moments that I am missing. Why is what I don't remember so much stronger than what I do. I want to stop missing time. I woke up this morning not remember parts of yesterday. I know yesterday was amazing... Why do pieces have to be missing. I am missing my life. You know what else is hard? I don't feel my right foot today. When someone held my right hand today it tingled.... When will it to be missing? So, there is my pain today.

Here is my JOY... You are my joy. My friends who hold me up when I am failing. I will find my peace now in writing done my pain. I will find my peace by hearing my child's voice, falling into my mothers arms, crawling onto the lap of my bestie. I will find my peace with in me by looking in the mirror and remember I count... I count forward. I am counting the moments I am living not the moment until I die. I will never hide, I am this person and today when I woke up I was struggling to see me in the mirror. As I change so violently in the days that move so quickly it scares me. What am I leaving behind? I don't know yet. I am moving forward toward something else. I am dieing yes: not today.

Weekends

It is warm out side!!! I can't believe it is 86 out side. I have found the sun. What did I tell you wearing my flip flops in March brought the summer home... Two months late but, it is here.

I went walking on Friday and found myself in a cemetery. It was a old cemetery one that brought many memories back for me. I was looking at all the stones, they were so old. I couldn't imagine what their lives were like. What they went through every day just for food, shelter, medical treatment. I saw a group of stones maybe ten that were all from 1944 , all babies... They sadness in my heart was almost overwhelming. That doesn't happen now, hardly ever does sickness take over a town. How lucky we are. It was so comforting to see all the body at rest. I forget how much I love cemeteries, I forget the peace I feel there. I think of family finally coming together. Some of those families may have never been families when they were alive. Some on those people waiting a very long time to make their peace with who ever was coming to lay next to them in ultimate resting. I hope that I will feel as at peace there in my death as I do now.

I went to Twin falls on Saturday if you don't know that is about 170 miles from home. I love the drive. I love sitting my feet on the car dashboard almost in the window. I love feeling like I am going somewhere. The hills on this drive are so amazing, they kind of wander over each other. I feel alive while I am in the car. I forget for a moment that somethings are still not perfect and I just feel. I felt positive, alive, and cared about. I LIKE to FEEL. I forget to FEEL.

Show me something new? I need something to hold on to. I need to see something else. I need to know what is real... Please show me.

I am still confused about life however; ever day I find something that I am no longer confused about. Today I am no longer ponder the what ifs today I am realizing that it isn't what if it is what now. I am in the moment, I am choosing those moments. So why not live them while I can? I leave you with a couple thoughts: Are you happy today? Did you stop to smell a flower? Are you feeling at all?

Deep

Faith- belief that on not baised on proof
Love- a profoundly tender, compassionate feeling for another.
Trust- to have trust or cofidence in another
God- the supreme being understood as life, truth, love, soul, and all princible.


These are our daily truths. These are the questions we wake up with and go to sleep with. We live by these rules either in the belief of them or reblion against them. I forsake them or hold them close to me. Rely on them in the most natural way possible; with everything I have. I don't know how to do anything any other way. I am either in or I am out, most of you know this after following me so long. Most of you know I am not perfect, for most of you readers I am probably the blacksheep of your blogs however; here tonight I am on my knees before you.

I have faith in people; I wake up everyday knowing that 99 percent of people are wonderful. That they try to have a purpose and most are hoping for a great. I believe that they are good people. I have faith that someone will stop when I am broken down, I have faith that someone will hold me when I cry, I have faith that their are couples out there so deeply in love. I see them sitting on their front swings holding wrinkly old hands; wondering where the years have gone. I have this FAITH...

I believe in LOVE... I believe that I love with every grain in my body. I believe being a mother made me love. I believe in love, I feel my heart beat out of my chest sometimes. Tonight I sat on a couch and felt my heart expand and shatter in moments of love. I know that this is true. I know that LOVE is strong and that love is here.

I trust: I trust that I am strong, that beyond the pain of tonight I am strong. I trust my body will find peace inside itself. I trust that I will wake up tomorrow and Morgan will not have eaten my slippers. I trust that I know what is best for me, that I will not forget myself. I TRUST>>>

God... Now here is where I struggle. I struggle everyday. I am a agnostic. I do not know what to believe. I know the four things above suround god. Yet I feel his presence absent from my life. Did you know I listen to the jesus station when I drive to work? I sing the song while I drive. I find them lovely not matter what anyone says. I love them yet, I cannot seem to find a place for this magical being in my life?

Tonight I am in pain, I admit it. I am burning from the inside out. I have chills my head hurts and I can't feel my right leg. Do you know what it feels like when your foot goes to sleep? that is what my leg feels like today. I fell today, I haven't fallen in two weeks. I hate falling, it is a constant reminder that I don't work properly. I also woke up today and couldn't remember yesterday. I couldn't find a time line in my head... I HATE BRIAN TUMORS TODAY.... I wish that I could be washed clean and wake up new, then I remeber who I was before cancer. I love the person I am. I don't want to go back to being that person. I like this me even with cancer today.

one thought... I MISS MY GIRLS> I think that is a must say right now. I miss their voices today. I want koda here. She is so much a mother when I cry she talks to me. She tells me stories of what her life will be.; of her marriage of her children, of me. She talks of me as if I am her friend not mother. She talks of our houses side to side, our husbands together. She asks me to pray for her while she is away. I don't know how to pray... I have failed her there.


I am that I am. I will be what is here to see. I cannot control those things that do not control me. I ask for love, wisdom, and joy.... Please find peace within me.

I can only say that today I am here on my bathroom floor laptop on towel head on washing machine, belly on cold floor phone by my side wondering what this life is going to show me now.

I miss my old blog.

I can't tell you how mad I am at myself for deleting my old blog. I wish I could go back and find it and look through it and feel all of those old feelings. I can't believe I did that. Well, new day and not such a great blog later; I am all over this.

Things I am grateful for today...

1. That Dakota lost her first tooth yesterday! I can't believe my oldest is now really a kid. She is missing a tooth. That means that I have made it through on child's toddler stage. I can't believe how fast it happens.

2. That I have a job... I know that I am having trouble in it but, I still have it. I am dedicated to it and still very proud of working at Qwest. I am so thankful that I don't wake up every morning and have to make a sign to stand on the corner and beg for someone to help my family.

3. I am thankful for my mother; who has been nothing but my best friend for my entire life. She has taught me everything. She has stood by me when I was in the wrong, right, and when I was just plain crazy. I am thankful that I haven't had to go through life with out her.

4. I am thankful for my Hubby. There isn't a man in this world that could hold me the way he does. Support me everyday in anyway possible. He is always there when I need him! Not to mention he is a great father to my children.

5. I am thankful for my friends: Where would I be without a spring board to this life. They are strong, independent, fun, crazy, amazing set of friends. Who all remind me everyday of why I am still here.

6. I am thankful for the English class I am going to be taking that will hopefully make my blogging a much easier experience for my readers.

7. I am thankful for American Cancer Society. They allow me to inspire other all while reminding myself that I am still alive and have a story to tell.

8. I am thankful for warm colorful socks.

9. I am thankful for the freshly cut grass that I cut this morning...

10. I am THANKFUL to be a mother. Being Mom has taught me how to love.


Thanks for giving me a life and for giving me the wisdom to realize that I am loved and can love.