Saturday, May 15, 2010


Faith- belief that on not baised on proof
Love- a profoundly tender, compassionate feeling for another.
Trust- to have trust or cofidence in another
God- the supreme being understood as life, truth, love, soul, and all princible.

These are our daily truths. These are the questions we wake up with and go to sleep with. We live by these rules either in the belief of them or reblion against them. I forsake them or hold them close to me. Rely on them in the most natural way possible; with everything I have. I don't know how to do anything any other way. I am either in or I am out, most of you know this after following me so long. Most of you know I am not perfect, for most of you readers I am probably the blacksheep of your blogs however; here tonight I am on my knees before you.

I have faith in people; I wake up everyday knowing that 99 percent of people are wonderful. That they try to have a purpose and most are hoping for a great. I believe that they are good people. I have faith that someone will stop when I am broken down, I have faith that someone will hold me when I cry, I have faith that their are couples out there so deeply in love. I see them sitting on their front swings holding wrinkly old hands; wondering where the years have gone. I have this FAITH...

I believe in LOVE... I believe that I love with every grain in my body. I believe being a mother made me love. I believe in love, I feel my heart beat out of my chest sometimes. Tonight I sat on a couch and felt my heart expand and shatter in moments of love. I know that this is true. I know that LOVE is strong and that love is here.

I trust: I trust that I am strong, that beyond the pain of tonight I am strong. I trust my body will find peace inside itself. I trust that I will wake up tomorrow and Morgan will not have eaten my slippers. I trust that I know what is best for me, that I will not forget myself. I TRUST>>>

God... Now here is where I struggle. I struggle everyday. I am a agnostic. I do not know what to believe. I know the four things above suround god. Yet I feel his presence absent from my life. Did you know I listen to the jesus station when I drive to work? I sing the song while I drive. I find them lovely not matter what anyone says. I love them yet, I cannot seem to find a place for this magical being in my life?

Tonight I am in pain, I admit it. I am burning from the inside out. I have chills my head hurts and I can't feel my right leg. Do you know what it feels like when your foot goes to sleep? that is what my leg feels like today. I fell today, I haven't fallen in two weeks. I hate falling, it is a constant reminder that I don't work properly. I also woke up today and couldn't remember yesterday. I couldn't find a time line in my head... I HATE BRIAN TUMORS TODAY.... I wish that I could be washed clean and wake up new, then I remeber who I was before cancer. I love the person I am. I don't want to go back to being that person. I like this me even with cancer today.

one thought... I MISS MY GIRLS> I think that is a must say right now. I miss their voices today. I want koda here. She is so much a mother when I cry she talks to me. She tells me stories of what her life will be.; of her marriage of her children, of me. She talks of me as if I am her friend not mother. She talks of our houses side to side, our husbands together. She asks me to pray for her while she is away. I don't know how to pray... I have failed her there.

I am that I am. I will be what is here to see. I cannot control those things that do not control me. I ask for love, wisdom, and joy.... Please find peace within me.

I can only say that today I am here on my bathroom floor laptop on towel head on washing machine, belly on cold floor phone by my side wondering what this life is going to show me now.

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