I want to be more than a survivor! I was looking at all my survivor gear today, I never noticed that when you are a survivor you end up with all of this stuff; brackets, necklaces, t-shirts, pants, buttons. I am a survivor just by all the gear. I have walked so many laps for my fellow survivors, I have made it through many days of pain, sorrow and heart ache. Yet I want more.
I want to change the view of us survivors. I am more than the word cancer. Yes cancer changed my life but, who else am I? I am more than that. I am a face, a voice, a believer. I am HOPE. I am Coey: what does that mean? That means that I am fun, crazy, unwilling, wicked, managing. I am a lot of things. I am changing every day and I am hoping that I continue to do this my way.
It is Sunday so here are the things that I am admitting this week for you.
1. I haven't been blogging as often as I should because I was losing hope and belief in my self.
2. I feel ugly today.
3. I don't know how to follow my heart.
4. I am scared of bugs,
5. I tested my morals this week and failed and won.
6. I was caught in my own world with out thinking of others.
7. I felt fear today for something that should come so easy to me... LOVE.
8. I didn't want want to share.
9. I craved time for myself.
10. I wanted to feel something that I haven't wanted to feel in years.
These are things that I felt, I am not proud of all of them but here they are for you to see.
I sometimes feel like I am falling down a well that doesn't have a bottom. I don't know where I am going. I want to run away from myself today. I want to find a place where everything is different. I want to wake up and not feel my neck cringe in pain. I want to remember all the moments that I am missing. Why is what I don't remember so much stronger than what I do. I want to stop missing time. I woke up this morning not remember parts of yesterday. I know yesterday was amazing... Why do pieces have to be missing. I am missing my life. You know what else is hard? I don't feel my right foot today. When someone held my right hand today it tingled.... When will it to be missing? So, there is my pain today.
Here is my JOY... You are my joy. My friends who hold me up when I am failing. I will find my peace now in writing done my pain. I will find my peace by hearing my child's voice, falling into my mothers arms, crawling onto the lap of my bestie. I will find my peace with in me by looking in the mirror and remember I count... I count forward. I am counting the moments I am living not the moment until I die. I will never hide, I am this person and today when I woke up I was struggling to see me in the mirror. As I change so violently in the days that move so quickly it scares me. What am I leaving behind? I don't know yet. I am moving forward toward something else. I am dieing yes: not today.