Time for some sun.

I need some sun rays! I can not even begin to explain the colour of my skin currently; Almost translucent? It could be seen through under careful investigation. I would normally pop under then nearest tanning bed but, with the radiation roaring through my bod pod that isn't a option. I need a wonderful self tanner that won't leave me twelve shades of ORANGE because I am unwilling to look like the undead all summer. Not to mention all the girls just look better with sun under their skin.
    Any suggestions? Spray tan? Rub on? Come on I need some colour badly.

chucks

Shoes... Does anyone else love their chucks? I find myself trying to figure out dresses I can wear with my chucks. How many outfits can you make around your ultimate chucks? I am pretty sure that almost 80% of my outfits come out of shoe choices. Okay enough about that.

       I got my MRI and CT scans back today. They came out good; well by good the tumor is decreasing not at the best speed possible but still great news!  It is odd to think that they are going to slowly get rid of these little tumors one by one. It is incredible how life changes over small periods of time.

    Sean and I got a break from the girls today and went out for some adult time. It is always nice to see each other with out our parents faces on. It is nice sit next to one another with out a child crawling into to our laps. It is wonderful to speak to each other with out the parent filter on. All parents go through this I know but, most nuclear families had alone time before children. They got months if not years without children or pregnancy but, not us we had a few dates and then presto family of three.

    Tonight we put the girls down and now we sit and talk about nothing that means anything... but means everything.

     Good night all.

Sleep

   I was wondering through Ross today and my five year old daughter crawled into my arms and fell asleep. I don't believe she has done this since she was 2. While walking around I realized this may be the last time I will walk around the store holding my youngest child. It is amazing how fast they grow up and get so large that carrying them around a store is not going to happen anymore.
   Do you remember the last time you were able to carry your baby?

self affirmations

Sean and I in Portland over the weekend.

As you all know I have been working on Crazy Sexy Cancer skills!
    I once had a spiritual guide who told me never to leave home with out your tool box. I never understood what she was saying by toolbox. I am sure she explained this idea a hundred times during my years of going to group but, it never clicked. I have never had a firm belief system so I never felt connected to my "group" they all had a strong sense of what they believed in. I watched Eat, Pray, Love about ten times trying to figure out what is was about that movie that moved me so much... then it suddenly clicked. God dwells with in me as me. She says it at the very end of the movie and it just sat right within my soul. So there you go I suddenly feel at peace with my spiritual side. All it took was some Julia Roberts; sad... I know but so true.  Then suddenly I understood what she was trying to say. That everyday you need your tools. You need know all the things to do to keep your self safe from other peoples bad thoughts, from your own, from becoming negative or nasty. I get it.
   Today my exercise was a self affirmation.

I am prosperous
I am eternally young
I have a wonderful relationship
I am slender
I am my own personal
I love my hair/body
I am filled with love and affection.
I am joyous and happy and free.
I am totally  healthy

In the infinity of life where I am all is perfect, whole and complete. Change is the natural law of my life. I welcome change. I am will to change. I choose to change my thinking. I choose to change the words I use. I move from the old to the new with ease and with joy. It is easier for me to forgive than I thought. Forgiving makes me feel free and light. It is with joy that I learn to love myself more and more. The more resentment I release the more love I have to give. Changing my thoughts makes me feel good. I am learning to choose to make today a pleasure to experience.

 There you go My self affirmation...

Storage unit

Sean's Grr. face.

    When we arrived in Portland on Friday afternoon we went straight to the storage unit to see what all was in there. We were expecting to see a semi-organized storage unit with some furniture and boxes. Standing out in the rain cutting off the lock to the storage unit you can imagine my shock when the door rolled open and saw a completely pack floor to ceiling of stuff... I mean stuff. Sean and I stood there in shock trying to even figure out where to start. It was raining and the unit was packed to the point we couldn't move anything with out it getting wet.  So, I climbed in to see what we were in for there was stuff everywhere. Sean and I packed up the car with donations and decided to go eat and figure out what we were going to do.
    We decided that there was not room for both the coast and the storage unit. So storage unit won. Saturday was spent with donations centers, trash center, and repacking Sean's dad stuff. Going through some ones belongings that you didn't know was strange. It was interesting finding all the pictures from Sean's childhood, seeing his mother young and beautiful. 
   We got every thing packed in a uhaul that Sean drove back and I drove my car. It was a long tired weekend but, we made it home safe unpacked and got back to the grind.

Hello Portland.

We are currently driving down I 84 heading west to Portland, Oregon.  Aren’t you just amazed at currently technology? Every day it changes and in turn changes how we communicate with the world. I love that while doing 75 mph I can blog.  It is a gloomy day out here on the road; very dark and feels cold even though I am not sure if it is.

With all of the changes that have been going on at our house. I have of course been eye balls deep in research. Finding truth among the common thought can be more difficult than you can imagine. I never thought I was blind to what I was putting in my body. I never even considered myself unhealthy. I thought I had a well-balanced diet with a few “treats”. Turns out I have spent most of my life poisoning myself in one way or another. 

We have been spending our morning juicing our amazing green juice aka: cucumber, kale, spinach, carrot, and celery. It does not look very appetizing when you are staring down the glass at the murkiest green slush you have ever seen. Sean and I had to tell each other it was going to taste horrible and just to expect it in order to take the first drink; to our surprise it was not as bad as expected. I also didn’t expect to continue to crave my new found breakfast throughout the rest of my day.  It has very quickly become a part of my day. I feel full of energy and awake after 16-20oz of wonderful green goodness.

We also cleared out our pantry all of the “dirty” food that was filling it. Do you know what is in your food? Can you pronounce everything on the list? I sure could not. I was appalled that my staple mushroom soup had 30 ingredients. More appalling than the list was that I had never looked at what was on the list before today.  I am almost ashamed at my former health conscious self for not thinking more about what I was putting in my body not to mention the body of my children. The hormones, preservatives, antibiotics and a long list of things that your body can’t even digest is mind altering. I have never been fanatical about much of anything however, I can now see why people become that way.  When you start to dig for information you start to hear and learn things that not even the deepest parts of you can deny; we are filling ourselves full of poison.

We have been making so many small steps little by little. I know we would fall if we just tried to alter every piece of our diet all at once.  So out went dairy products and processed food first. It is one large step in a even larger project to a healthy lifestyle for us and our kids.

Eli was tested for the gifted and talented program at school and we are hopefully that we will be able to find him a new school for next year that is more challenging for him. Eli wants to be challenged and should be but, does that mean that we are heading for a private school in order to get him where he needs to be? I have very mixed emotions about private schools. I have seen both side of the problem and I am not sure on is truly better than the other. When we get his results back we will know for sure what direction we are heading in.

Dakota was sick the other night and coughed most of the night.  She stayed up until 11:20 coughing which also means I stayed up that late waiting for her to feel better which happened early this morning before we left on this trip. I think she may be struggling again but, she hasn’t wanted to open up about it recently .

    Corbynn is doing amazing well on Jumpstart.com which is her online learning center. She is breezing through all of the activities. Math doesn’t seem to scare her, reading is slowly coming together. I am so impressed with the program I was recommending it to everyone I know. She is still working on talking back but it is getting better.

Packed and ready to roll

Sean and I are heading out to Portland tomorrow morning the weekend. We have planned some fun during our duty trip to pick up Sean's fathers estate. Plan's aren't really in place but, we are hoping to go out to Cannon beach and eat some crab and spend a few moments on the beach. Mostly just stuff my face full of crab until I burst. (I know self indulgence is not always healthy but, I love crab)
    I haven't been to the Oregon coast in a few years even though I have found myself close a few times. I have a love hate relationship with the Oregon coast. It has been a place that I have run to at times when things were rough. I went there when I was 15 on my first friend road trip after my parents divorce, after Mikey killed him self I spent a week on the beach staring into the sea, after my divorce, and my diagnoses. I have so many memories there both of relief, fear, and burden. Going there is both a joy and a remembrance of all of the rough times I have been through. It is so beautiful there. It is calm serene, with a hint of violence. Everything washes in and washes out all within one cycle of 24 hours. What a amazing thing our world. I loved feeling that everything can change in just a few short hours, that those pains of yesterday could quickly become the joys of tomorrow and for the most part they always did. Now this time we are making the trip to the coast while dealing with Sean's fathers passing... I am sure at some point I am going to need a trip to my favorite coast with a little more joy. For now I am thankful for the chance to put my feet into the sand and look out onto the waves. To hold my man close and enjoy a raining weekend.

light under your butt...

Lighting the fire under my butt today isn't going so well. So here we go. I may have over indulged with the spirits last night. I know I am hungover when ALL I want is to drink milk and lay on the couch with Veronica Mars. You know it is bad when you suddenly realize while staring at your child that it is past noon and she is still in her P.J's. Seriously what happened to the day? I have no energy or ambition. I haven't even looked at my cleaning log today. Corbynn has watch at least a few to many t.v shows and has been "online" for more than normal time allowance. My organic diet has been organic but to a point of laziness that is abnormal even for me.
   So, I wonder what it will take to can myself up and moving today. A act of god? Maybe I need one because I want to take a nap and hide in a closet for the rest of the day.

Hurray

     Changing your life takes time, energy, and some failing over here. Things have been working up to big changes. New life, revisiting an old career, cleaning, revamping my eating habits and continuing to make every day amazing.

    Every day is a struggle to stay on a routine. So that I won't fall off the wagon of health and happiness. I am working on my self every day trying to work out all my kinks to better understand myself. I am working to reconnect with my life. I am trying to find my creative, cooking, decorator side but, maybe I am just a writer and a talker? ?? Is that okay too? We are looking for color; bright, different, and exotic color. I have become so comfortable with brown, black, blue, red, gray... Wow, yes those are the only colors in our home. We need a house make over.  I want our home to feel like a home bright cheerful and welcoming. Maybe not to everyone but, at least to us. I am finally in a place in my life where I can make a home. I can create art put it up, take it down, and redo it over again. I love this feeling of freedom that I have found.
     My routine has changed so much over the last month. I get up in the morning and hook up my juicer and make some amazing GREEN juice, I am talking spinach, cucumber, green apple, kale, carrot all mixed into one green glass. So nasty to look at however, not so bad on the taste buds. (as long as you don't mess up and put mustard greens in it; nasty , nasty nasty...) It wakes up my body feels so much better than coffee. THen on to the cleaning and lots of it. Keeping on track and not eating processed foods are the hard parts.  Those are the things I am struggling with currently. I am determined to get healthy, mind, body, spirit. Part of that is controlling what I ALLOW with in my body. GO GO organic Kayla. Keeping a routine does truly help. Keeps me busy and happy accomplishing things as the day goes by.

Ganesh- remover of obstacles
    I am so grateful for my life. The people with in it are truly amazing; I couldn't do it without them all.

Surgery

Out of the hospital, surgery went well. Home resting. Love and light all

Corbynn is 5!

Time passes so quickly around here. It seem so recently that I was pregnant getting ready to welcome little Corbynn home for the first time. Now it is five years later and there is nothing little about this girl. I cannot believe that she is already five. Do you remember being five? I remember being five; I remember pre-school fun amazing little friends and most of all I remember my mom baking my birthday cake.
    I am so proud of my baby girl. She is growing so fast and learning at the same rate. She is starting to read and understand numbers. She is cute, funny and amazingly sweet not to mention has all the sass that comes with a little red head. She knows what she want and she is going to get it. Which happens all the time. The same thing that makes it so amazing!
    Her birthday turned out amazing! We had cake, presents, and lots of fun. I will post some pictures soon!