A smile

That is my goal for the day. Just a smile is all I have to do to meet my goal. If you have ever read the four agreements then you understand; there are days when your best can only be YOUR best. There are days when I can’t make things happen. There are days when I barely make it out of bed. I can only expect what I am capable today; every day is different and not every day is doable.

          I am struggling with losing Jon. He has been like a father to me over the last year. He fought cancer with a smile too. He gave me hope for better days. Jon was incredible.  I can’t seem to think right now; almost in a state of shock. I watched him growing weaker and weaker even though it was hard to see the truth. That one day if they can’t cure my cancer; my family, my children, friends will watch my life slip away. Maybe that is what makes this harder than normal; that I have to face my own reality and the absolute loss of a friend. That absoluteness is a void that is so amazingly hard to ignore. Not many things are absolute but, death is.  I haven’t been able to blog really because my thoughts just rush through and it hurts too much to think of him struggling through these last few days before he could rest.

          The problem with having cancer is you bond with people who also have cancer. You make friends at the hospital, support groups, your neighbors anyone with cancer you seem to bond with. The understanding of your trials brings you closes. Knowing the fears, symptoms and losses pulls you together like magnets. With that you see them win their battles and unfortunately lose their battles. So, you experience death more than you should. I struggled to face death for many years thinking that somehow I didn’t feel the loss. Not knowing that at a point I would feel all of that loss. It started when Brett died; I felt the pain I laid in the bathtub for an hour crying. I hadn’t cried in what felt like years. Then another friend passed and now with Jon. I am once again struggling to push those feeling away.  I close my eyes and try not to cry and push those tears far away to not feel that emptiness that you feel inside. It seems to bubble and settle then bubble again. I know it isn’t all for the person but, it is all pain.