Dear 2012

You have been both the best year and the worst. I have had big up and downs over the last twelve months. It is amazing how quickly your life can change in just a few short months.

This time last year we were getting ready for Sean's best friend Scot to move in with us. It was a scary uncertain time for me. We didn't really know what condition Scot was going to be in while he was here. At the time he was still in ICU and not speaking at all. Within a few weeks he was talking and walking, but his memory was still iffy.  January was hard and rewarding at the same time. I had changed my life to stay home and take care of Scot and the kids.

January and February were filled with struggles of a new and growing family. Sean and I were married in February and it was one of the best days of my life even with the weight of our lives before us. Lot of unknown were still hanging out there.  We were able to sneak away for two days and go snowboard, but came home quickly to our obligations.

March came and I had a radical hysterectomy. It was scary and relieved so much pain that I had been experiencing for months. It was followed by a breast reconstruction.

April and May were recovery time for Scot and I both. Sean and I struggled to stay positive through these months of trails. Money was tight and our emotions were raw.

June Scot returned to his life in Salt Lake with very little help from us. He did very well and relieved a lot of stress from our lives. It was both a positive and negative experience. It is hard to go through something like this with out a lot of growing pains. There was a lot of joy too. We were able to help him recover a life after almost losing his six month prior.

We also took a honeymoon a few weeks later and had an incredible time. The summer seemed to fly by with parties, swimming, rafting, and a lot of kids. It was great.

September came with a lot of changes. Eli started middle school at a new school. It is amazing how fast it all happens. Dakota is 8 and in second and started gymnastics at the same time. Corbynn entered her first year of all day school. They aren't our babies anymore. They have all entered child age.

October flu by couldn't tell you even tell you what happen there.

November was all about trips to see the family and coping with new schedules Seans work and how busy mine was getting. (oh yeah I took a job in the summer? See how well my memory works.)

December didn't even feel like it started and it is over. Work has been almost as crazy as my weight. Again entering 2013 we are back to working on our lives again.

Thanksgiving

We headed up the winding road to Montana for Thanksgiving this year with all the kids in tow. Which I have to admit 7 hours in the car with three kids is not always the best time, however they did amazing well. The first two hours are always the worst while kids get comfy and into the grove.
    The drive from Boise to Hamilton Mt is a very, very windy. All the kids thought they needed to play games and watch movies so you can imagine how it went when car sickness kicked in.  We made it in one piece with no vomit or fighting!

     Sean's parents are saddle makers and excellent ones at that. They do some amazing work. I love going out to the saddle shop and hanging out. The smell of leather brings me to another place. The amount of hard work that goes into a hand made saddle is incredible.

      Dakota spent most of her weekend out in the saddle shop with Bob stamping leather. She must of sat silently stamping away on her leather strips for six hours on Thursday morning before it was time for the feast with grandma. I love how comfortable she is with adults. She seems to find her adult and suck information out of them.

Corbynn was a total grump all weekend, but it turns out she had a UTI and was uncomfortable for most of the day on Thursday and all day Friday. We ended up having to do some in home treatment for her on Friday night after Grandma's 90th birthday party.

Speaking of grandma's 90th it is incredible how young 90 is these days. She lives on her own and has more energy than I do I think. NOT to mention she may be the most stylish 90 year old in the world.

Results

I have more problems calling for my results than I have getting them. I send my doctor to my voice mail at least once a week. I just don't want to know. I just want to hide out and believe that things are just as they were two weeks ago or two months ago.

My husband doesn't like my need for avoidance much. I think he believes that I am waiting to die when I just don't feel like changing in the moment.  I get tired of the smell of the doctors office. It isn't that I don't want to know it is just that I can't spend another hour there. Maybe if I don't answer the phone they won't ask me to come back. Horrible plan right?

Otherwise things are great! Koda's birthday party went great! They were SO excited.



Nothing more fun than Ice skating. The girls had a blast and so did I

1 month

It has been a full month since I got off my meds. Even with my cancer acting up; I feel better. 

I feel a lot more me than I have in a year. 

There are have been many ups and downs this month (the scale has told me so)

I had some trouble with the candy the first few weeks.

I felt this constant hunger. So I ATE and ATE... 

Over the last three months I have gained

9 lbs. 

With that on my mind I couldn't seem to keep myself out of the  fridge. 

Talk about a case of NO restraint. If I had one I had twenty. 

This week has been a lot better. 

My constant hunger has gone away for the most part.

Emotionally I feel like a new person. 

When somethings goes wrong it only takes a few minutes 

to realize I shouldn't let it shake my whole day. 

For the first time since Scots accident I am starting to feel like my own person again. 

I think I may have blamed Scot for a small piece of time.

I know now that it was my meds and I am sure that radiation didn't 

help me. 

Things are looking up over here.

I am resting after a long day... 

Weekend in Pictures

 I am all about Sunday Funday. On the way to watch skyfall... BTW awesome. Loving the 007 right now. Maybe just because I continue to wish the first 007 was my dad.

Voted Did you?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMA

It was super cold here this week. SERIOUSLY

Hubby stuff?

Sometimes I like to wear my husbands Freshman year Letterman jacket.

Do you have weird things you wear?

STS Cancer

Dear Cancer,
          You have been such a large part of my life for so long. There are days when I am so unsure of what to say to you; How to think about you with out saying thing that only bring me down, because nothing brings you down.
             In order to be true to myself I have to tell you things that I am proud of. I am proud of the last six and a half years. How this burden has changed me as a person. I am proud of how many people I have been able to help through cancer. I am proud of the changes I have made in my overall health.
           More than anything I am thankful for the relationships you have brought into my life. The joy that has come from those is worth way more than my health. These people have shaped my life into what it is today. The are the ones I go to for support and daily friendship. I am lucky to have them in my life for continued inspiration. These are people that spend their lives fighting to save lives or fighting for their own lives. I have made life long friendship with the family of those I  have lost.
          I look to them for comfort that if you one day beat me that they will be there to guide my family gracefully through my passing as I have watched them guide their own families. Creating traditions to remember lost ones. Creating joy around them and most of all stepping forward in the fight.
        On day you won't be here anymore and it will because of all the people you touch that you won't be here anymore. You are building an army against yourself. Be ready they are coming for you.
         I will always be thankful for you, but I will be more than thankful when you are no longer here to hurt my loved ones.

Elections

Is it wrong that I more excited to have the elections over than I am to vote? I hate the hate adds. I hate that our world has come to slandering the other player. I am amazed that we continue to support this as we try and teach our children sportsmanship in all forms.

Our country doesn't even play that game. I appauled at what people tell their children about these amazing people that have come so far. What our country does to make the other candidate look so bad. Neither of these people are BAD people. It takes a great person to take this challenge and instead of supporting them we slash them down and make them into monsters.

We no longer look at what they stand for, instead we take pieces of what they say that don't sound good and place them in every add across the nation. Then we tell the less educated yes believe what you hear and vote. Let not push them to look at the issues that face the nation. Let manipulate the numbers, the views, the law, and their person lives and tell them how to fuel a lie.

In the end no one wants to vote for either of them because we are inundated with the negative; not the choices or idea the pushed them to success. It is no longer about choices it is about slander. We the American people continue to support this crap. We teach our children that the best way to win a race is to manipulate the truths until they are almost lies.

What are we teaching our children right now? Not that our government is truthful or that they care instead we are teaching our children that the guy with the most dirt wins. Or if you look at the numbers you know that one that spends the most money on adds wins. None of these promote how great the player is...

As I go to the pulls tomorrow it is to select the better of two evils and that is how I have viewed the last 4 presidential races. Not because I think either is really evil, but that both have used the wrong kind of adds to support their races.

These are sad days in political times.

The sisterhood

Do you ever feel like you are lacking female true connections?

That it is all keeping up with the JONES?

I get that feeling all the time and we ARE the Jones. 

We are the ones that are still on top. We still have jobs. We still make an income we still 

win all the time. 

Yet, when I get around other women I tend to believe that they are out to judge me. To make feel different. To make me feel guilt or shame. I don't know how else to explain it, but it never feels

friendsly?

I know that this may mostly be my problem. It may be me having self esteem issues. It is me having

Self esteem issues. It is me not feeling confident about myself enought

to hang with other woman. 

Kind of like fearing going to yoga. 

Yep working on that tonight. 

I will let you know when I have it figured out. 

Feeling like nesting.

I have been fighting the need to nest lately. I would like to call it decorate, but due to my lack of skills we will call it nesting. I think it is part of getting off all of my drugs and starting to see that I need things to fill my day with. I have a lot less energy these days, however I seem to have a lot more drive.

I have been getting the little things done which is NICE; I need the accomplishments right now. I need to feel like things are happening. Success is a great feeling and I crave it constantly these days.
Work has been hard with the lack of energy. I have been having trouble connecting to the world lately. My clients must feel that: I don't feel like conversation with the amount of stress that seems to be all over me. 

The days roll on with out much news of cancer related things. The things I know are that I signed a paper stating I know I have had my life time amount of recommended radiation and that I plan on having much more. I often wonder if I could cook raw chicken before it hits my stomach due to the amount of radiation that is in my body.

I wonder if I am going die of something related to this crap... I would guess the probability is high...

Everything will be alright everyday is a day worth living and I am thankful to see my children grow into little REAL people. To see my relationship grow into an amazing story of love and commitment.

Puke and More.

You heard it ladies and gentles we had the week of puke. Well truly just one day full of it, but it felt like it was never ending. Corbynn of course came down with it on Wednesday and that was it for our week until Friday. Poor little girl had it SO bad. Corbynn always seem to get it the worst.

Fighting my food urges is hard right now. I feel like I should eat all the time even when I am not at all hungry. I need SOME kind of control. Juiced this morning though which is always AWESOME. Starting my day off right. I also had crab salad for lunch with a friends couldn't be happier about that. (lets not talk about the Halloween snack size crunch bar I ate too)

 

Love a self portrait. Seriously.

I am have a lot on mind today so I think I will just continue to work through my thoughts maybe a I will a full one by the end of the day.

a little a day

A little a day. 

My old shrink in SLC used to say this about being happy.

That if you could be happy for a minute a day that tomorrow you would be happy for more. 

I am slowly working on losing the ten pounds I put on since my breast reconstruction and hysterectomy. I know that I am processing differently now and it is going to take a lot more to lose the weight. I don't think I am eating more but, I am gaining weight week to week. 

I need ore time at the gym that is for sure. I am guessing that I need to add 2 hour long cadio workout to my current routine. I am having trouble even wanting to do this when every time I hit the gym I come home five pounds heavier instead of lighter. 

We made it to the gym on Thursday and out dancing. We didn't make it yesterday so today I have to get something in for at least an hour. 

Oh... we juiced again this morning and let me tell you .... DON'T do tomatoes, basil, and garlic, not only will you smell awful it tastes like someone threw up in your mouth. 

Still on the taste buds a few hours later. YUCK

Yep it is fall.

You may wonder how I know? I know because my 6 year old once again can't breathe. Asthma sucks! There is no other way to say. I hate watching her struggle to take down a breathe. She should be out running around in the cool air.  Nope instead she is sitting here next to me and the couch missing school taking steroids and running around with a oxygen saturation monitor.

Two full days of coffee and gasping. It is always a a great time. Well I am going to leave you with some pictures because honestly I want to nap with the little one.

today

My in-laws headed back to Montana today, makes me a little sad the Grandma's are fun to have around. I am one of those strangely lucky girls who has in-laws that I can not only stand, but truly enjoy being around.

We did it all this weekend: Went to the haunted woods with Eli, Kia, and Julie which was just pure fun. The kids seem to enjoy being scared and I just love the great costumes and the increased heart beat.

We also took the whole family to a local pumpkin patch. It was a tad overpriced I thought. It cost us almost 90 dollars to get in the gates. They had a small jumping area, a petting zoo, and a play ground. We rode on a small hay ride out to a huge field that had a TON of pumpkins.  Everyone picked out their pumpkins and when headed out. Another .30 a pound and we were on our way.