talk time.

       

  Okay, Okay, OKAY!!!! Enough is ENOUGH.  This is how I felt this week in a nut shell. It is amazing how demanding three + one can be. I have to say my understanding levels are low this week due to elevated hormone levels and massively unnecessary cramping.
      I noticed how inconsiderate my children are every once in a while. I am ready for a over haul; I know that most of the time these kids are the best kids on the block but, right now there are a lot of new influences in their lives. Two teenage step sisters that are not to be called angels are making small impressions on my well-behaved little ones. Nothing major some talking back, a little talking under their breath, a lot of crying to get their way and the I want that. I am through with it though. I have always had the best behaved kids and that is going to still be the case. With a few needed adjustments not yet determined I am going to teach a little bit of respect, consideration, and plain manners. I feel as if they just lost them somewhere along the way.   Do kids magically become brats? 
       Corbynn has always had her moments and I have succome to those way to often. She knows how to work me that one. She knows how to make me feel horrible for even thinking of punishment. She is going to be hard to break I believe. I am working on her during my alone time with her all day. Just reminding her who is mom, and why she doesn't get every thing she wants. That is a all day job right now let me tell ya. 
        Dakota just wants to CRY cry Cry... Kid knows it works and she is working the system... Except her cry is less effective for unknown reasons. Maybe because it is more of a pouting cry than a real one or is it due to how often it happens? Not sure I know the answer to this puzzle yet but, I think I am being tricked a little. She is WAY to smart for her own good right now. 
          This all may be coming into play because we have wonderful, respectful, polite neighbor kids. I notice how easy these manners come to them.... What are those picture perfect neighbors hiding over there? Some kind of sweet kid juice? I am going to find out asap...

         Dakota got a award at school for a math-o-thon! I am so excited for her! This is such a HUGE self esteem boost for her. She came home with her award and smiled from ear to ear! She got a 97 on her math exam! It makes me happy that she is working so hard was she has been so discouraged. I am not ready for her to grow up... Nope not ready.

       Went in and got my blood count tested again; it was the low. Fuck, I am tired of it being low. Can't they just reproduce with power? Come on grow damit grow! Well, what do you do? Nothing just Keep moving... Yes, I can quote Nemo too! I want to be able to work out for two days straight with out feeling as if I was hit by a train. I am sure I will soon enough though another blood cell upper and hopefully I will be on my way again.

           Sean and I ran around most of the weekend. Sean took off Friday so we went snowboarding with our awesome friend Celeste. Who I might add is a complete rockstar! She is amazing; I just adore her energy. She makes me smile all the way down to my insides. Can you tell I like her? We had a epic day with snow falling and a little bit of Pow to make it all worth while. I have to admit I tired out pretty quick but, not with out enjoying my day. Celeste and Sean went out and found some great snow after I had tuckered out too. I was so happy to see Sean beaming when he came back in.

           Friday night we went bowling with a group on wonderful people. Emily and her hubby Tim, Celeste and her man Jesse and Sean and I. I used to be on s bowling league when I was little. I thought I was a bad ass for years. These days I know how to throw some sweet gutter balls! I had a blast though; this group of friends is supportive, loving, and out to have a good time all the time. I love that they are always trying to have a adventure. Emily is always smiling insisting you to do more, experience more or just be happy where ever you are. I ADORE these people. You should too.

     My house is clean! I love a clean house, nothing makes me happier than a clean house. I love the smells that you can only get from house hold cleaners. I love the high I get when I am done cleaning. Cleaning is a nesters crack cocaine; it makes your heart race as you do more and more. Every time you spray anti-bacterial scent on a surface you receive a new high. I know it is wrong but, you can't denie it is a mysterious task. When I have finally gotten everything put in its rightful spot;I feel as if I have taken over the world. I LOVE it. I do not by any means love cleaning don't take this the wrong way. I still HATE to clean. I just love the result. 
    Home sweet home had been looking pretty shabby. You know how it gets when you just keep the top layer clean? You may be able to look past the grime growing below for a few days but, sooner or later you are going to see all the black gunk that has taken over your floor boards. A little deep cleaning is a must do once a week. I feel anxious when the house is messy. Makes me believe my life is messy. I hate feeling like my life is messy or unorganized. I think I take it out on the others in my life because I start feeling so out of place in my own space. 
    Now that it is all nice and clean I am HAPPY. We bought a new couch this weekend! I'll post pictures and give updates tomorrow when I am not so tired. 

Update.

    

In McCall Idaho looking at the ice sculptures.

  After five weeks of radiation we are taking a break for a month. Hurray! Pretty excited to have four weeks to recover. The results have been encouraging so far. For the first time in years I am seeing results. I am cautious to be to happy about it. I haven't celebrated yet but, maybe soon. No matter what it is always worth it to try! right? We just keep living every day as it comes.


    Sean and I have been  making lots of progress on the house recently. The kitchen is painted; HURRAY no more white walls! The down stairs ceiling is dry-walled taped and textured. All we have to do is paint and then carpet... Holly crap I love it when things come together. I can't wait for this all to be done. I am so excited to have another finished room in the house. We don't even know what this room is going to be but, I am happy to add 16x16 room. We need all the space we can get with these three running around us. 

    I am getting my Real Estate license in Idaho again. After I moved to Utah I moved my license with me. When I moved back I wasn't sure if I was going to have the time to use it. So, I just left it in Utah. Well now I am feeling way better about the future and figure why not go back to selling some Real Estate. I enjoyed doing real estate a lot. I felt good about every deal I did! My parents owned a real estate office the whole time I was growing up. I feel like it is ingrained in me. It will be nice to get back to it again!
        

   

Fun weekend adventures.

Sean and Eli at the bowling alley

          

This week has been abnormally stressful considering I had a blood transfusion to help my cell count which fell below normal on Tuesday, Sean has been meeting deadlines, not to mention our house remodel. I haven't been sleeping and Sean has been on edge all week so when Friday rolled around it was time to get out there and have some fun. 

            Friday night cosmic bowling was a blast! Eli had only been bowling once before so watching him learn was a great time. He was stoked about the way his ball looked hitting all of the bumpers. He also enjoyed the music video's that played all night long. Eli  loves to talk about the world and discuss how things work. Having personal time with him is great for having deep moral conversations. Eli likes to see the whole story what other people believe and how each view differs from the other.  I love watching his brain turn on.
      Sean completely relax and had a great time; it was wonderful to see him smile again. I had not seen a smile almost all week so it made all the difference in the world. The world did not seem so serious with all the giggling and teasing. We played four games, ate pizza, had drinks and scored well under normal.  

  


    I even made a public appearance with my short hair. It was not as bad as I had expected it to be. I might be pulling off this look more often because, the wig is not "me"
I feel like a alien in it. I am guessing that is not a good thing.

          I felt exhuasted when we left. I had absolutely NO energy, but it was worth it. I truly enjoyed every minute of the night.  I am grateful to have every day I have

        

Blog award!

A flattering, blog award.

So, my blogging buddy over at : http://kristengrace31.blogspot.com gave me a blogger award, so go read hers. Thank yo so much Kristen.. I think you are a inspiration too.

So apparently with this award, there are some rules: 

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave the award, thanks Ally! 

2. Post 7 facts about yourself

3. Award 15 bloggers, can I change that to 7 to make it more personal? 

1. I love waking up at 5am to see the sun rise.

2. I do not really like coffee but, I drink it cause it is cool.

3. I always wanted to be creative but I am not naturally so it is a lot more work.

4. I LOVE hand written thank you cards.

5. I hate my phone but can not seem to survive with out it.

6. I like to play cribbage and drink wine.

7. I have a secret hiding spot in my house that I use often.

Now here comes the important part, please read these blogs, their inspiring, hilarious and amazing and deserve all the recognition in the world. 

I love She writes. She is authentic! Not to mention can create a vision.

http://shewritesherenow.blogspot.com/ 

Sleeping the bushes has made me cry, laugh, and smile on a weekly basishttp://sleepinginthebushes.blogspot.com/

Read Maggie May and you will understand

 http://granniemay.blogspot.com/

 A Beautiful Mess has amazing photography!

http://weloveiowa.blogspot.com/

Sami Jo's thoughts on family and her passion for her family spills out of her blog.

http://herhousehold.blogspot.com/


Read it!
http://www.lifeinchicagoblog.com/ 

This family is a inspiration to what family is!
http://www.reagansblob.com/ 

 Thank Kristen! HUGS from here!

On parenting

    I often catch myself not writing about the hardships of motherhood.  As if writing down my fears would mean that I have failed them. There would be a record of admitence that one time I did not know what to do. Is that so bad? 
     Koda has been going to the Monday through Friday all day program for a few months.  It has been a rough adjustment for her. She doesn't have a best friend anymore, she is a significant amount behind them, and she doesn't know where her place is.  She comes home everyday a little sad about not being able to spell as well or not knowing enough sign language to know when she is being spoken to. The class works with 2 other languages that she has no experience with. 
     She was sick last night and spent the night with granny. My mom has always been her protector, supporter, confidant. Things she never tells me she confides in granny. I thought it would hurt my feelings but, no I am just grateful she has someone she trust. She spent the there last night curled up on my mothers lap and said "I just want to be happy"  It is earth shattering that a six year old knows that she is not happy. I don't think she truly understands the statement but, still.  My heart is broken for her right now. I look into her fragile eyes and wonder how I produced such a sweet, shy, girly girl. We are so different yet so much the same. She is scared of hurting, disappointing, angering anyone. I hope that one day she will grow into herself and become a confident girl but, for now I will hug, kiss, and love on my first born. 
     I see the changes in her. She is learning SO much at the new school.  Koda is showing skills that she never had before.  I know she is learning more here than in the old school. She is reading, spelling, creating. If she is not under pressure she excels in sounding out the words.  I am so proud of her yet, I do not know how to make things better. I can not fix this with a kiss. I do not know if I can even fix it. I feel helpless when she cries about class. 

      This whole parenting thing does not get easier... It just changes degrees of difficulty as they grow.  Saying no become grounding..Teaching what is hot becomes teaching morals. I was told that it was horrible two what about horrible pre-pre-teen? No one said any thing about the rights and wrongs of being a step parent or that 9 year old have cell phones. The world is changing kids act older than they did when I was young. 

   With no known road map I guess I am left at the wheel just doing the best that I can. Knowing that no family is perfect and no child came out of their families without a little childhood damage. So here is the part where I just have to try my hardest and no I can not always do things perfect but, hopefully I learn from those mistakes.

Wonder

Unable to truly capture the feeling this is what is left. 

      I stare out the double sliding glass door looking for changes in the weather even though only moments have past since my last long look. I wonder if it is as frigid as it seems outside. Getting up to open a door does not feel like a thing I want to do. 
      I feel my heart pumping within my head... I have heard very strange things in there lately. My head is filled with more thoughts and idea's than I remember having before. The room shifts from here to a tilt where I ponder if my lamp will fall..No just me. I wonder who this is in here? I wonder if this radiation has a name once it is deep inside me. 
     For now, I shall sit among my things for today is not a day for adventure. Today is a day for dreams. I dream a lot after radiation of ideas I have never had. I frighten, delight en, and change direction. I wake up unsure if I was in rem or if I really flipped of that troll that happened to be parked in his red bug on my spot on the couch. I have to wonder... What has taken over?

Swim time

     I went to the gym this morning; I like going to the gym around the time that the senior swim class ends. I enjoy listening to the women talk about their lives. They are so honest with each other. They laugh a lot about things that I find odd or have never heard of.  They often talk to me about my day. They speak as if they have known me  forever. They hug, kiss, and squeeze when I look sad or am truly crying. I honestly do not know any of their names. Is it sad that I do not want to know their names. That being able to go there work out and then have this strange support of all of these wonderful older women is enough? Completely odd how these relationships just happen form out of no where with no real need.  Yet, I am thankful for them. I am thankful for their strength, advice, and caring nature. It is like having a grandmother that didn't spank me as a child. 
       I have always had a soft spot for those older than me. I have gravitated towards their wisdom and calm ways. I have had many mentors along the way. I am proud to say that three of my best friends in my life were over the age of eighty. They taught me things that have stuck with me. Great things about love, life, and the power of silence. (still working on the silence.) I forget how much I need those people right now.

From a shorter view

I look tall for the first time in my life!

               What do you think of my new blue walls in the kitchen? We are looking into new doors for the cabinets. Any idea's? I know I want to go more modern and or shabby sheek...Hee hee

I love the way Sean smiles at Koda

This is a electrical box in our bathroom remodel. Koda told me it was RADICAL... No idea

Our remodel in action

We hung these intentionally short, so I could view them but, from Koda's view they are still up there.

Danger Danger!!! I forget how much of a mess our house is in until a shot like this comes in.

Our new plates... Koda thinks they look like water ripples.

Dinner and a auction.

Ignore the odd look on my face... Notice the nice looking blonde wig atop my head.

Sean came home from work the other night wanting to go out to dinner to celebrate feeling better and a rough day at work being over. We got a reservation at the wonderful Barryhill. If you live near Boise, Idaho then it is one of the top places to go eat. The service is wonderful, wonderful, did I say wonderful?  We drank a full bottle of wine that was to die for; Clos Du Val Merlot. I will not tell you it was the best wine I have ever tasted but, it was tasty. We spent two wonderful hours dinning out, holding hands, and just catching up. Our week had been out of control busy aka.. I was out of control grumpy.  
      I love dinner dates with Mr. Wonderful. He couldn't make a girl feel better. There are some days where you just NEED to feel like the bell at the ball. That night I did...even managed myself a massage later. 

Notice the flannel?

Friday was a riot! I met up with my family and went to the cattle auction. My dad has been getting a few cows to graze on his land every year to keep the grass down. So, dad was off to the auction to price out some baby calves.  I had not been to the auction in a long time and completely forgot how fogien they seem. Every one in flannels, boots, and cow boy hats. I almost thought I had fallen into HBO's Deadwood. 1885 here I am; bald, in converse, and my gray wool coat. I did not fit in well and they weren't shy about showing it. I don't know if many of you have been to a auction but, it is so much fun. The weighing, bidding, talking, upset cattle, banter, and of course the auctioneer. Auctioneers are a amazing bread all by themselves talking so fast you have to listen with all your might just to hear ever third word. I love the excitement. If I was going to have a addiction problem I don't think it would have been gambling but maybe auctions. They get my heart pumping and everyone seems so excited when a bidding war gets started. I love it.  

  
   Did I mention Sean and I are going to get a little cow all our own to graze at papa's? Sure am. I am going to be the proud owner of a cow or maybe two soon!

ugggh

    Do you ever just feel upset for no good reason. Nothing has happened to upset you and yet you still feel like you could go one of two ways A: cry B: scream and throw thing a object across the room. That is how I feel right now. Oddly upset about nothing. I am considering crawling off to bed this early on a Friday night. Not really my normal style but, if it would avoid this feeling getting worse it may just be worth it. Maybe I am just bitchy due to body pains. Or the fact that it was one of those days where you don't feel pretty when you look in the mirror. You feel your clothes are fitting too tight or your makeup is not quite right. It has been one of those days.
     I just feel very sad. I hate that I feel tired trying to get dressed. That going out is hard on my body. I hate that I don't feel like myself right now.

    So by saying that... I think I will you with just that not a lot.
Tomorrow when I am in better spirits lets talk about the cattle auction I went to with my father and the wonderful dinner Sean and I had at Barryhill. (when I say wonderful I mean absolutely perfect dinner)

First day of my life.

This was taken at Santa Rampage. Please notice my wonderful elfish ears and Sean Boigie Santa hat.

Can I just gush a bit this morning? 
    I love all the little things Mr. Wonderful is. 
1. I love that he kisses me last thing at night and first thing in the morning. 
2. He makes me tea with milk and sugar.
3. That before he leaves to go any where he kisses me. 
4. He hugs my mom. 
5. He is always making a list. 
6. He can be goofy.
7. He plays games ie: the forgotten board games, card games, mostly old people games. 
8. He waits for me when I am being a slow snowboarder. 
9. He lets the little things slide. 
10. He fixes everything. 
11. He lets me think I do.
12. He calls when he is going to be late. 
13. He worries about me when I am sick but, never says it. 

14. He makes me spaghetti when I need comfort food.

15. He loves me. (that is still a little thing right?)
16. He sings when I fall.
17. He talks to me while and after my seizure, telling me that everything is okay. 
18. He makes me giggle even when I don't want to.
19. He always cuddles close on the couch. 
20. He takes Stella out at night when it is REALLY cold outside. 


                I am sure I could go one but, I am not much of a gusher. He doesn't read my blog so I don't have to feel to girly about this post.

This is a must watch. It makes my heart warm inside. 

Stop Hammer Time

  

   
   A couple of months ago my good friend posted this picture. Over the last couple weeks when things got hard I kept looking at this picture giggling to myself... Thanks Amanda.
  One of the many possible side effects of radiation and multiple seizures happens to be slight personality changes. This is one of the many side effects that you read on a 20 page disclaimer it is also the one that you don't take into much account until you experience it. I will give you an example of this did you ever notice that must medications have anal leakage as a "possible" effect. You don't pay much notice to that but, if you experienced anal leakage you may think twice when looking at that side effect list. 
    Over the last few weeks I have noticed little things that have been different. Not feeling confident, feeling judged, being angry over nothing seem to be some of the changes that I have been experiencing. Today I had a seizure while taking a nap; when I awoke I was terrified. I wasn't sure what had happened, where I was, or if I had been dreaming or not. It took almost twenty minutes of being what felt like a out of body experience to pull myself together. It has been hard to admit to myself that yes there are moments during the day that I do NOT feel like myself. I have thoughts that do not feel like my own. It is hard to justify my thoughts when I am not sure where they are coming from. YUCKY, let me tell you that is how it feels. 
     My day went well other than the above incident. I got in a couple good naps, played with Corbynn, and got some blogging done. My mom also came over to help me out today. She painted my kitchen and played Grandma for most of the day until Sean got home. Sean cooked a great dinner; chicken, potato's, and french bread. (I secretly love it when Sean cooks because his food is better than mine.) 
     The girls have been a little off in the evenings lately. Near the crashing point at any point after 6. Starting to wonder if they are not getting enough sleep. What do you think is the right time for bed when you are 6? Someone please give up some advice. She is going to bed at about 8 and waking up at 7 ish??? 
        Well there ya go my day in a nut shell. Now it is time to cozzy up with my wonderful man and play some little big planet. 

Love and light my friends.

Wednesday

Good morning Wednesday! 
        New things on the rise. Dakota got her first alarm clock this week and feels like a "real grown up" She got up this morning and got her and her sister dressed, did hair, and brushed teeth. I was crawling out of bed when I heard them "quietly" come up the stairs. They were all ready for breakfast and to start the day. I love it!! 
         It is strange to think that my children are getting older. They are becoming independent and so self sufficient. However, that does seem to fall to the waist line when one or the other doesn't get her way. Koda had a serious breakdown when I asked her what kind of seed she brought home from school.  She couldn't remember what it was and just made up a name for it. I called her on it and she lost it! Threw herself on the bed and started crying and from then on the rest of the night was mostly tears.  She just falls apart at the oddest moments but, at least in those moments I still get to see my not so "grown up" 6 year old. 
  
       I made myself a promise this week that no matter how bad I felt I was getting dressed by nine and not putting on PJ's until it is close to bed time. It is a little thing that I hope will make me feel normal again. I know that they are just jeans and a t-shirt but, damn it feels good.  Even if I am putting on the weight right now. I can't seem to keep the scale down. I miss the gym. I miss the water but, right now it is not a option. I will make it back to the gym asap promise! My body has been craving some stretching and stair stepper action. 


Our little Stella had a accident on our bathroom floor last night. This would have been bad alone but, it got worse Sean stepped in at 5:30 this morning. Sean didn't scream but, he came back to bed not exactly on the right side. Stella hates the cold so much that she hides at potty time.  Her jacket is not enough as she very boldly told us on our bathroom rug this morning. So forcing Stella outside is going to be a adventure. 



   

Smell like Tuna.

    
  Since, I have radiation on Tuesday I figured we needed to do something different than talk about rad on Tuesdays.  (I am tired of talking about rad)
    
     I have been trying to get out of my personal food box. I have been making the same things for years and years. I am ready to try some new foods. This weeks trail will be tuna casserole. I am not a "HUGE" tuna fan due to many years of tuna and applesauce dieting during my teenage years. 

      Well it turned out pretty good, I had my concerns about using cheddar soup as the cheese.  I didn't even know they made cheddar soup. They shouldn't really... It looked NASTY; there for creating a fear of this casserole. It came out edible and some even went back for seconds and no one woke up to throw up. Also managed throw together lemon bars. Dinner played out better than expected.  Any favorite recipes for next radical Tuesday?