I often catch myself not writing about the hardships of motherhood. As if writing down my fears would mean that I have failed them. There would be a record of admitence that one time I did not know what to do. Is that so bad?
Koda has been going to the Monday through Friday all day program for a few months. It has been a rough adjustment for her. She doesn't have a best friend anymore, she is a significant amount behind them, and she doesn't know where her place is. She comes home everyday a little sad about not being able to spell as well or not knowing enough sign language to know when she is being spoken to. The class works with 2 other languages that she has no experience with.
She was sick last night and spent the night with granny. My mom has always been her protector, supporter, confidant. Things she never tells me she confides in granny. I thought it would hurt my feelings but, no I am just grateful she has someone she trust. She spent the there last night curled up on my mothers lap and said "I just want to be happy" It is earth shattering that a six year old knows that she is not happy. I don't think she truly understands the statement but, still. My heart is broken for her right now. I look into her fragile eyes and wonder how I produced such a sweet, shy, girly girl. We are so different yet so much the same. She is scared of hurting, disappointing, angering anyone. I hope that one day she will grow into herself and become a confident girl but, for now I will hug, kiss, and love on my first born.
I see the changes in her. She is learning SO much at the new school. Koda is showing skills that she never had before. I know she is learning more here than in the old school. She is reading, spelling, creating. If she is not under pressure she excels in sounding out the words. I am so proud of her yet, I do not know how to make things better. I can not fix this with a kiss. I do not know if I can even fix it. I feel helpless when she cries about class.
This whole parenting thing does not get easier... It just changes degrees of difficulty as they grow. Saying no become grounding..Teaching what is hot becomes teaching morals. I was told that it was horrible two what about horrible pre-pre-teen? No one said any thing about the rights and wrongs of being a step parent or that 9 year old have cell phones. The world is changing kids act older than they did when I was young.
With no known road map I guess I am left at the wheel just doing the best that I can. Knowing that no family is perfect and no child came out of their families without a little childhood damage. So here is the part where I just have to try my hardest and no I can not always do things perfect but, hopefully I learn from those mistakes.