A few days in the making!

    I am starting to believe that Thursday may end up being a day to celebrate in my and Mr. Wonderful's house. It seems like Thursday is one of the only days that I do not feel like ripping my own hair out let alone anyone else's hair. So, for our little family Thursday may be becoming the holy day of the week. I finally start feeling human again for the first time since Monday late on Thursday. I know I don't have treatment till Tuesday but Monday every nerve in my body is on some kind of fear crack. That makes Thursday very, very nice for everyone. 
   I did a bunch of nothing on Thursday. I laid around trying to find motivation to a: do laundry b: organize c: call a thousand people back d: just move, nope none found. I was so tired from my multiple seizures that I did not leave bed today other than to go to the doctors to make sure I had not permanently damaged myself.  
   No one got much sleep Wednesday night. Sean was up all night holding me in between seizures and I was up all night having these stupid seizures. Sean had to go to work Thursday morning so Thursday night we tried to sleep like rocks but the aches and pains were a little intense for sleeping. I spent most of the night having multiphase hot flashes and sweats. Overall though I felt pretty good both Thursday and Friday. 

Mom and I went to Eli's awards ceremony on Friday morning. Eli goes to a advanced public school here in Boise and is a rock star. Eli made both honor roll and mathematics man awards. He also brought home his report card which he brought up almost all of his grades. Not that he was scoring low on anything mind you but,  he was not taking advantage of his time in class, talking, sharing, talking, more talking. Eli opened his report card  on the way home and shared it with me; I felt a  sense of pride in his achievements. Not only that was he treated me as if I was a mentor but, that he wanted to share it with me. Everyday he makes me feel more and more like a mentor to him. I enjoy being around to help with homework and after school activities. Eli is a great kid, I am lucky to have him around the girls.
    The rest of Friday was hard. I was tired, I couldn't seem to find myself, I was completely off.  By the end of the day I was crying and feeling pretty sorry for myself. Radiation is hard some weeks; this week was a really, really hard week. I struggled with everything under the sun. It makes recover rough when all you see is yourself falling into ever known crack. 
   We went snowboarding today!!!!!!! I love the way I feel on the mountain.  The wind in my face when I am speeding down a hill. I LOVE the way I feel when I reach he bottom without falling on my butt down a hard run. Today, I took a chance and took a couple large jumps. I did not land either of them but, it is actually take them that is the hard part. After hurting my knees so badly a few years back I haven't been boarding to anywhere near my potential. Today was a step in the right direction!!! Wish I would have taking a picture of me falling on my butt. 
   My energy levels are low still. I am taking at least three naps a day, whether they are good naps or not doesn't matter. I am working on getting out of this funk. I will you watch me. I am going snowboarding on Monday with Mr. Wonderful while my mom watches Corbynn to try to stay in a positive mood while radiation approaches.  I believe it will be a wonderful day!
 

Breathe 

Why are there moments when you can't seem to even pull air into your lungs? Everything starts moving fast around you. There is nothing to hold onto and then it hits; everything tumbles to the ground.  The last pin was laid in the hay stack and you couldn't stop it. That is what happen tonight. 

Isn't she cute?

  My four almost five year old is going through one of those awful stages you hear other parents talk about. The ones that you hope and pray never come into your household. Corbynn has decided that talking back is okay. She is always trying to argue her point. No matter what it is her word has got to be the last word. I know this didn't just magically happen over night. It has been MONTHS in the making. I have been watching horrified from across the table as my child has decided that she has to have a word in EVERYTHING.  She talks over who ever is talking, she interrupts, she straight out told me I was wrong.  Corbynn is driving me up a wall with all of this "I know mom", "I don't want to", "That's not right" HELP!!!! I don't know what to do with her. I tried sitting down and explaining it to her. I tried punishing her; it is like she doesn't understand that it is wrong to talk to adults that way. She becomes very upset and cries until she sends her self into a asthma attach.  Anyone have a suggestion for my cute but very mouthy child?

I may be stuck in bed but, we still have fun here!

    I am sure that part of the reason why I am reacting so badly to it today is that my patience level is very low. I have had a headache for almost three days now that I believe my be slowly rotting out my eyeballs.  Then aunt flow came to town for the first time in six months... so now I have Passive Man hating Syndrome on top of radioactive tendency syndrome. These don't add up to happy fun mom... At moments today I just lost it crying over the lack of diet tonic water. I know sad, I couldn't even have my normal drink to calm myself. I opened the fridge, looked frantically then cried.  Sean has been looking at me like I absolutely lost it. Maybe he's right and I have. 

   I made a chocolate bunt cake this morning for dessert tonight. It turns out I love to bake. How it took me twenty some odd years to figure this out is beyond me. I have really been enjoying the kitchen lately. There is comfort cooking even when I don't want to eat it. I made a roast and rice too. I am loving this... Anyone know where to get some amazing cooking classes? I must learn how to make a amazing crunchy apple pie and the crust eludes me.

   There was a freshness in the air that I had not felt in a long time tonight. After feeling so bottled up with emotions I went out side to find a place where I was not so confined. The air felt different on my skin. New almost. It maybe the drugs or maybe there is a change in me. They said I may experience change in my emotions, senses, or speech. Maybe I am seeing a change deep within me. What else may come?  The world is open for the taking. 

   These days are worth it because at the end of it I go to bed with the most wonderful man who makes me feel beautiful even like this.  I wake up with three amazing kids running around the house. I am blessed.

 

Just Venting

Pain management container... That currently isn't being used. Trying to be tough.

Pain- is an unpleasant feeling that is conveyed to the brain by sensory neurons. The discomfort signals actual or potential injury to the body. However, pain is more than a sensation, or the physical awareness of pain; it also includes perception, the subjective interpretation of the discomfort. Perception gives information on the pain's location, intensity, and something about its nature. The various conscious and unconscious responses to both sensation and perception, including the emotional response, add further definition to the overall concept of pain.

               Do you think that if this unpleasant feeling is conveyed to the brain by sensory neurons that maybe  just maybe they can kill mine while they are microwaving my brain? 

I am screaming on the inside tonight. It comes on in ways as the headache take over sending shockingly overwhelming surge of sound, light, and extreme pain. I know they said it is a side effect however, this is out of control. I can feel my heart beating in my head. Da dum, Da dum, Da Dum.  Normally I would find this entertaining like a beat to make up my own song to, but right now it makes me want to cry from the sound of my own heart beat. I feel achy all over and jerky like my brain isn't sending the right signals to my body. It starts to and then pauses then comes in and  finished it. I wonder if I look like a mystery robot?

      Today right now I am grateful for being alive. I am grateful for being able to raise three wonderful kids. I am grateful to have been able to hold down my food today. I am grateful that I have cute shoes. I am grateful that Sean was able to stay home with me today. I am grateful for the sunshine. I am grateful that I have such amazing caring friends. I am grateful to have this radiation. I am very-very-very grateful for cookie dough. 

Tonight my only goal is to make it tell tomorrow. Tonight I do not "have" to do anything. Tonight I will allow myself to be pampered and cared for. Tonight I am sick and that is okay. Tonight I will let go of this pain and bring positive energy to my healing.

      

        See, I told you I was going to be more positive this year... Watch me work it. 

Sleeping... I have some serious smile lines I did NOT know about

NO PICTURES COME ON!!!

 

Microwave.

I went and recieved my weekly brain microwaving this morning bright and early. So, if this post is a little off it is because I am a little of this morning. My brain is more like a scrambled egg than a functioning piece of tissue. I am shaky and every time I move it feels jerky. I  am not sure why but, that is what is going on today. However, I received the best news I have received since starting this cancer adventure. I had a 15% REDUCTION in my brain tumor. This by no mean means that I am out of the woods but, it means that yes this brain tumor is responding to treatment for the first time in three years. 
    I don't know if I can express in words how I feel today. I can continue to dream about my future with out it being completely out of reach. I can plan trips for next year not just next month. I can imagine re-doing my kitchen in five years. I can talk to Sean about our investment plans. I can being to start re-building my in hopes that I will continue to have one. This is something that most people take for granted the right to plan. I haven't been able to plan anything in years and I am gratefully for the chance. I am grateful that I have a chance at seeing my kids grow. I am grateful that I may have more time to impact the world. I am grateful that I may be able to use my schooling to help other people. I am a blessed to have this opportunity to live out my life.
   I feel in awe right now. I know that is still new and there are many risks still. That this treatment is dangerous; it is unknown and the brain is a scary place to mess around with. We still know very little about our brains so anything that you do there comes with risk. I know that doing this treatment could end my life but, the rewards of doing this treatment for out way my fear. I admit that I wake up very early on treatment days and give positive affirmations to myself trying to brush away my fear of going in. I have to force myself out of bed hugging everyone very hard before I leave; just in case I don't make it home. Just in case I have a seizure and never return to my normal state. I know the risks, but the hope of a chance out ways my fear. I will die with out treatment I know this. I am lucky to be eligible for this treatment. I am lucky to have met all the requirements to be in this trail. 
  I am babbling and too tired to continue. I leave you now.

I am blessed, grateful, all is well in my world.

Sunday Snowboarding!

   

Taking a break on the back side of Bogus

Sunday we slept in till 9:30 which at our house is pretty normal yet I am always happy when it happens. It makes me smile because I have never been one to sleep in very often until I met Sean. I was always more of a 7 am or earlier riser. These days I am lucky if I am out of bed by 8:30 and I love it. I love the extra cuddling time and sleeping time. It makes my days a lot easier when they start off so LAZY and perfect.
   Sean and I got up and got ready to head out for a day of snowboarding. I haven't felt up to snowboarding in weeks which makes me incredibly sad. Snowboarding is one of the few activities that make me feel truly alive. I love being out in the cold mountains, feeling the wind, and being able to be active. I had two knee surgeries a couple years back and it has taken me up until this year to get the hang of snowboarding again. Becoming a confident snowboarder again has given back a lot to me. I owe a lot of that to Sean's constant help and encouragement to get better and trust my body to be able to handle it. Now snowboarding is a constant way of showing myself that I am not always sick. That my body is still strong and capable of being a serious snowboarder. It may have taken half the season to get back in the driver seat on my board but, the feeling it has given me in return is breathe taking. I love how I feel as I fly down a hill. I love that I still enjoy it after 15 years on a snowboard; that the feeling is always there. The need to experience it every year is just as strong as it was the first year. 
   I know that my body is not as strong as it used to be; being able to push it still means I am stronger than I think I am. Everyday there are reminders that I am still strong and I  am still living the life I have always wanted to live.

Tokyo Style Party

Celeste Tokyo style party crew!

    Saturday night I went out for my dear friends Celeste's Tokyo dress up pre-party before a night out dancing. I was not in the best of moods Saturday night. I had been pretty tired all week after radiation and not sure if going out was going to cure my blues. Well to say the least it cured my mood; after getting painted and dressed to the nine's I felt a lot better about life. We listened to the hottest Japanese music, ate sushi, played pool and danced then went out on the town. I did not spend all night on the town but, the time I spent was a wonderful escape from daily life.
    It was the first time in months that I had been out with out Sean. Sean normally is right by my side on nights out however, Sean quit smoking this week. He didn't want to put himself into a situation that would make him smoke. I am so proud of the way he just cold turkey quits it is amazing to me. I really want to have something if I tell myself that I can't have it. Anyways; I was out on my own on Saturday with out my normal partner in crime. Even though I was uncomfortable the time away made me realize how much I enjoy our time together. It also helps me keep respect for our time apart. Never forget that getting out of you comfort zone is very rewarding.

FRIDAY!

  

  I love Friday's; not for the reasons most of you love Friday but, because Friday is a happy day. It is the first day of the week that I get me time, the last day I tend to feel awful, and best of all my Mr. Incredible is off work by five. Today is even better; Sean is working from home. So right now as I update all of you, I am laying on our to small couch with Sean sitting on the edge fully immersed in his work. Even though we rarely share a word we are together making it through the day. While I am studying about diagnosing and treatment of BP11 (bipolar stage 2) Mr. Incredible is making some employee happy all while satisfying the needs of some other partner corporation. It is wonderful to be able to work together with out speaking and know that we are just that together. 
    Sean is a manager at a IT corporation in Boise. He works in a cutting edge industry and is proud to work with the people that he gets to. One of the many things that made me love Sean is his love for other people. Sean is a positive force here at home but, also on the work front. He genuinely cares about the success of his employees and of his peers. He is continually telling me about someone that he is hoping to help reach their goals. Sean is the kind of manager that I always wanted. He wants people under his care to have fun, feel appreciated and be happy coming to work. I love meeting people that he works with they are always telling me what a wonderful manager he is. It makes me proud to be with a man that cares as much at work as he does at home. I think that speaks volumes about his character. 
  Sorry just had to share... He is cute here working away. I don't think I tell him often enough how much I respect him. (not that he reads my blog, so I should voice this out loud at some point)
     Today, is a much healthier day. I woke up feeling rested and more alert than I have felt since Tuesday. I almost feel human again. It makes me want to go out and be crazy even though I know my body still wants to rest until the cows come home. We don't have cows so I know that would be a long time. 
    I love morning when things are slow, when the world seems like it is not moving. I love that I can still feel lost in the moments. I could take a nap right here and awake still believing it is morning even though it would be well into the afternoon. 
   I am learning that simply being in love with life is enough. That I don't have to get caught up in anything. That my choice are just that mine. That I do not have to get involved in anything that is not mine. I have the ability to make those choices. Right now I am choosing to not let myself get down about radiation. I am constantly trying to change my negative thoughts into more positive powerful thoughts. I am not going to lie, this is hard, I am sick, I am scared, and I feel overwhelmed but, how I react to these are completely my choose. 
    Looking forward to another amazing weekend with friends! Any ideas for a cute amine costume? I am planning on going out this weekend for a birthday party bash for the wonderful Jessica. Who wanted a school girl bar crawl... I am on the hunt for idea's today. Please get them in before tonight...LOL I know short notice. I haven't had time to turn on my brain until today.

Cancer Slayer

"CANCER SLAYER" 

Passages to strength
Come in many forms and lengths,
Survival of the fittest,
The biggest
Lessons learned
Appear only when earned,
When fate turns
Its back on you,
Misconstrued,
Subdued
With questions of how and why,
Will I die?
How many tears am I able to cry?
The inquiries never seem to subside,
Outside,
I am a warrior-Braveheart if you will,
Yet within the walls of my ivory skin lies a disease that will kill
At will
With no prejudice or bias,
Ready to guide us
To our Maker of life

Where there lies no strife,
Maybe finally a day of peace
The heartaches will cease,
But my soul tells me to get up and fight
It is not my time to go towards the light,
The flight
That is destined for me
Is to be
The leader of every community
To help them see
It is not about you or I – it is about we,
I will not be added to the list of the deceased

(sigh)

I AM HERE
And yet you have been gone for slightly over 2 years,
And it’s amazing how my smiles take the place of those tears,
I now hope…instead of fear
And I pray that my message to all is crystal clear,
I stared Cancer right in the face
Not with anger but with womanly grace
And told it to get the hell out of this place!!!!!

Radiation: a day in pictures

The waiting room is the first place that I see.  Isn't it pretty? Not! I don't like to wait. I don't think I am a very patient person. So the waiting room is my least favorite place.

The wonderful MRI machine is my second stop; to make sure that we are still zapping the right spot. Also to make sure we are doing to much damage. 

The last stop is IMRT radiation machine. The power house of radiation! Without this star trek looking machine none of this would be possible!

   I am home now laying around trying to stay pretty still. It feels like I have a inner-ear infection even though I know that I don't. Moving around is not what I feel like doing right now. I have taken over the couch; laptop in lap, dog beside, cute kid running wild. Feeling tired and I have a pretty nasty headache that I am battling. Other than that today is going awesome.

Weekend

After soaking in the hot springs! See, I told you I laugh a lot.

    I had a lot of time to think this weekend. I turned off my phone, laptop, and myself; I looked inside my life. I am here today grateful for my life. I am grateful to be here to experience every moment of it.
   We spent Friday night with out our kids having a evening at home. We played little big planet and laughed as we killed each other off over and over again. We cuddled up on the couch and watch Dead wood until midnight. Then tucked our self's in bed for the night. I am continually amazed at how easy our time together is. How many of my hours are spent giggling and smiling. I am amazed at how being open to something makes it possible.

My wonderful friends; Jesse and Celeste

  Sean and I packed up our swim suits and headed to Miracle Hot Springs in Hagerman Idaho on Saturday. It is a two hour drive from our Eagle, Idaho home; which is mostly ugly then suddenly you drop into the amazing valley with rivers and waterfalls and so many hot springs.

Everyone rocking out some Yoga in the main dome

    It is wonderful to find little dream spot in the middle of the dessert. We spent Saturday with a wonderful group of friends; soaking, drinking, giggling, and playing like children. We danced until the wee hours of the morning and then slept like rocks in domes until mid-day. It was great to be able to connect to other people. To hear different views on life. It was a great group of friends and new friends. It felt wonderful to leave cancer in Boise and spend a night feeling completely alive. My friend Celeste made me amazing hanging earring to go with my new bad-ass hair. They are green feathers and they are wonderful, completely excessive, and fun. I am in awe of her talent and expression. I left the hot springs feeling energized with life. I left there feeling more in love with Sean than ever. I left Hangerman with a sense of family. 

Our friend Randy did some fire spinning!

   Sunday was spent just sleeping, eating, and cuddling. It was needed and well enjoyed. We found a new sushi restaurant; had a wonderful dinner. Went to Freddy's and then came home to play more little big planet. Then we laughed a lot until we went to bed.
    Radiation has left me tired and drained. It has been a rough week physically. Mentally it has been tough to stay positive however, the support around me could not be better. When ever I felt low I was picked back and reminded these feeling are temporary. That the outcome of all of this pain might lead to a long life. I may be able to plan for a future. That the seizures may pass and be completely in the past. For now the pain is hard, uncontrollable and weighs heavy on the mind but, I have hope and a solid belief that I will be rewarded with a life that I once thought never possible.

      
        Sean as always is incredible; singing away my seizures, laughing with me, holding me when every thing seems so lost. I love how he asked what he can do to make things better after he already has. I love when his arms come around me and we share a moment that makes me shiver inside. I am a lucky girl to be with such a incredible guy.

New Bedrooms

After we moved the girls room just never look coozy. It was a little blah; not very inviting for two little girls. We had bought new "bed tents" that were Disney that turned out to be the worst investment ever. They were both broken from the start. They also made the girls room look messy. So off to Fredmeyer's 40% off sale. New rugs, lamps, and netting all on sale I might add... (Got to love my sale shopping Momma) So with a lot of help from mom and a few hours the girls room was transformed. They loved it.  We also did Eli's room and now you can see on top of every surface. We rearranged Eli's room so he could have Sean's old desk. He was so proud of himself and happier than happy to get to show Sean all of his hard work.

As for me; I am off to get my new wig fitted. I caved after three women at Mcdonald's told me how sorry they were for me. After that I went straight to the wig shop and bought a new wig. I believe I am comfortable enough with myself not to wear one however, not so much with the rest of the world. It was like being pregnant and everyone wanting to touch you. UCKK! Lets hope it goes well! I will let ya know I am sure.

INVITATION

If you are a dreamer, come in, 

If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a lair

A hope-er, a pray-er a magic bean buyer...

If you're a pretender, come site by my fire

For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.

Come in! 

Come in!

 

      Here is our adventure. A chance to really change. A chance to make a difference. A time to show pure courage. Here is the time I stop sitting back believing that the tapestry is already woven. This is the time to take back the power. Trust things that have never been trusted. Hope that this trail will save many lives. It is time to be courageous because, just letting go required some but, this requires more. 

     First, I just need to make it through this week. Make it through a week of less the plenty sleep, not a lot of food, and a lot of tears. This week I will mourn what we planned to be my destiny and celebrate what ever tomorrow holds. It is very possible that the outcome will not change; but all I need is the power of one thought. Mine: the power of positive. 

     Second, back to organic. 

Hair

(After the shaving process for the shower)

   

Feeling raw, exposed, and sometimes powerless in the face of cancer today. I know its just hair. I know I have been facing this for a long time now but, watching my hair fall to the ground made my heart sink. Made me feel alone again powerless to cancer. I would have never been able to believe that something you couldn't see would make you feel so defeated. Even though, I know I am  no more defeated today than I was yesterday and in reality I am taking control back with this experimental trail.  Watching Sean so carefully shave my head; making small gestures of encouragement about how "cute" my new non-hair was; was terrifying. Wondering if Sean would still find me cute, attractive, or anything after the last pieces of hair fell.
    It is strange to look at yourself and see a completely different person staring back. You are stripped of a piece of your idenity. It is part of how you see your self. How other view you. Everyone suddenly knows you have cancer. I have chosen to wear my hair really short in the past but, having to shave it is a different experience. It wasn't a fashion choice it was demoralizing. I feel naked in front of the world at my weakest point in some ways. Before I could always say... Hey, at least I still have my hair. Now not so sure what my line is going to be; maybe Hey, I am still alive? Doesn't have the same ring to it does it? I do not think I will be using it.  No tag line it is. 
    Today ran by pretty slowly. I had moments of feeling inpowered by my choices even bold in my new style. I went wig shopping today but, couldn't bring myself to spend 310 dollars on a wig. Am I really that vain? I have never felt vain before. Do I need a wig to feel pretty? I am not sure today. I ran away from the door bell when it rang today because I didn't want one of the kids friends to see me with out hair. Dakota and Corbynn both expressed a wish for me to go find a wig. 
Corbynn "Okay mom, when are you going to put a wig on? You're looking pretty silly."
Me " Do I really need a wig?"
Corbynn "I think you might scare people"
Me "okay"


An hour later Koda gets home from school.


Dakota " mom your hair is gone" 
Me " yep, new day new doo"
Dakota " It looks nice"
Me " Really!?" hopeful smile
Dakota "no not really mom sorry I still love you though"


My heart dropped through the floor. I know I have been talking a lot about honesty over the last few weeks but, maybe I need to talk more about being considerate of others. 


I am surprised at how attached I am to my hair.
I am surprised at how real cancer feels again. 
I am scared to have people see me so vulnerable. 
I am humbled. 
I am nervous. 
I am hopeful that this will lead to a result.
I am afraid it won't again.
I am proud to be me still.
I want to feel sexy again. (I know, but fuck give me a break)
I need to find someone that shapes eyebrows amazingly because mine needs some work.
I am excited to be able to recreate "me" again.
I am in love.

Sean in actrion

Sean in action

Trying to get my hair  cleaned up a bit.

Mom doing the finished touches

The Longest Road

I feel like I have walked the longest road this year. Thoughts and memories have been my year. I spent most of the year trying to live as much as I could. Trying to find myself under all the levels of pain that had taken over my life. I have never known how to grieve; I tabled those feeling deep inside and acted like they were never there. I never grieved the death of my first love, the loss of my innocence, my failed marriage, and then fatal cancer. By the time I had cancer I had enough grief, regrets ,and  life tabled that I was not even a person. I had no love for myself or anyone else. I made mistakes that hurt people badly because, I couldn't come to terms with my own life. I feel sorry for the pain I caused during those years.  
    I spent 8 years of my life running from myself and the pain I was holding. I could not look in a mirror because I hated what I saw. After my first love died; I ran from that into a marriage that I forced because I was not whole inside. I thought having someone in my life would make me whole. When it didn't, I hated Matt for it. I blamed him for not making me whole. I can see that now; then I was just hurt.  I hated that I still felt empty inside even after the birth of my first child. When postpartum depression set in I plummeted into some of the darkest places of my mind. I thought that maybe another child would solve my pain. I thought that by keeping my "white picket fence" whole I would make my past go away. I thought that I could just become a mother and keep the demons away. I never was emotionally available to my husband or my children. I couldn't connect to anyone.  I lost my marriage, my friends, and never truly bonded with my children.
     I found out I had cancer in the mix of everything and again I found a way to hide. I ran and this time I ran out of state. I packed up my children and left for Utah. I knew I had to face cancer but, I did not have to let anyone else be there. I hid in Utah not giving any information to my family and friends. I disappeared into a new reality with new friends. I didn't tell people about my past and thought that once again I had managed to run away from my self. When my cancer finally was considered terminal every wall I built tumbled and new ones built out of no where.
   I moved home believing that my walls had been demolished. I started taking my parents to my medical procedures. They waited in the waiting room as pieces of me were taken. I thought for sure I had found myself. No the reality of it is that every wall that pre-dated cancer was still there. I had not let go of all the old fears. I could not allowing anyone close enough to see me because what if they saw a monster? It has been a slow process moving through the pain of the past. Letting go of the suicide of Mike was the hardest thing I have ever done. It is hard to believe that one part of your life can cause such a ripple in your life.
   I know that dying is not just a possibility in my life it is a truth. It is a truth in anyone's life. I live with the pain of cancer everyday. I see my own life draining some days, but I know that today is not that day. I do not know when that day will come. I know that I will not spend that time lost in a fog that latest 8 years and prevented me from loving anyone even myself.
  This last year has reopened my soul. It has taken everything out of my; then gave me back a person who I haven't seen since I was a teenager. It has been hard to wake up every day and live in the present. Feeling everything is harder than I had ever expected. It will never be as hard as hiding behind my walls though.
   So, many people opened my heart helped me see again. I could not have done it without Jim. Who was my honest, trusting, compelling counselor. Who fought with me to see my walls. Who was there to help me cry. Who helped me see me for who I am now not who I was running from. Was always there to cheer me one when things were rough. He was my safety blanket in so many storms. I never had to hide there.
 My mother kept by my side while making funeral plans, finishing up wills, getting my things in order in case the end came fast. She continues to be my rock and my best friend. I can not imagine my life without the strength of my mom. She has always been an example to look up to. 
   Chris took me out of my box and gave me adventure that I had never experienced. He showed me true friendship. We went places that I had never seen. Helped me trust my body again. Showed me the I was still strong. He gave me the choice to just be me with out cancer; I love him for that.
   Sean came out of no where and stretched my life in ways I can not explain. I have always had an active dating life. I have never been much of a relationship person due all life's difficulties that made me believe that maintaining a relationship would be hard for everyone. That letting someone into my world was just going to lead to pain. I felt safe with Sean from the first moment I met him. He had a way of making everything okay. He looked at everything from a positive view and never judged me. He understood that everyone makes mistakes and was always open to talking about his own mistakes and depression. Sean made being "just me" a good thing. I am grateful to have him in my life.
   Last year carried a lot of darkness and once in a while I still feel the empty darkness inside but, for the most part my personal sky-light is shinning right on through my past. I am blessed to have these months or years to feel truly alive.

Monkey

 My youngest child has a way of out shinning anything in the room. Corbynn is the "sun" in our home whether we like it or not. For the most part our world revolves around her. It can either be wonderful or absolutely horrible. Depending on if the "red head" is involved.  
    When Corbynn was born everyone knew she was going to be a hand full. She came into this world with a lot on her little mind. Corbynn was 6 to 8 weeks early as far as they cold tell. She spent her first two weeks in ICU because she was breathing at a incredible 130 breaths a minute. They doctors waited and waited thinking she would become weak from breathing so hard. They believed they would have to stick a tube in her to help her breathe. Corbynn never did give up she fought her battle and won. She was 4lbs and LOUD. That has never really stopped. She has always wanted to have a say in what is happening around her.
   We have always been stopped in stores by people wanting to talk about her amazing red hair or her contagious smile. Everyone has always said she should be a child model and if it wasn't for her red head attitude she may have been able to do that.
    I am always amazed by how smart she has become. She has grown up so much over the last few months. I always saw her as my baby. I never wanted her to grow up. She was and will always be my baby. I feel connected to her in ways that I can not even explain. She has so much of my personality built into her. Corbynns reactions are so much like mine pure emotion. She is EMOTION. She cried last night at dinner because she did not know what we were having and ran away from the dinner table because it didn't look good. When she is happy you can't miss it. Corbynn shows her love in ways that are truly hers. Offering her prized stuffed animals while you are sick.
    I have spent the last two years fighting life. I haven't been able to commit mentally to my little ones. I carry many guilt's over this. I spent the last year trying to experience my life. Seeing new things meeting new people. Preparing for my final days. I was gone a lot trying to find myself before I was no more. I learned  a lot about myself this summer. I learned about who I wanted to be for the rest of my life. I wanted to be a amazing parent to my children. I wanted my legacy to live through their action; I had to find a way to help them understand me. I set out to spend as much time as possible with the girls and I found out that they are what makes me a better person. I am learning to teach by example and I will continue to make myself better for my children.

Our newest memeber

Welcome Stella!

Stella came home with us the day after Christmas. We had been looking for a little one with no luck for a couple of months. Unsure of what we wanted and with out being able to fully agree. I love big furry dogs malimutes, St. Benards, and Huskies you can imagine my fear when my love told me he liked sleek dogs. What? Oh no! I don't want one of those. I need a smushie faced dog if I can not have a large furry cuddly dog. If you do not know what a smushie faced dog looks like think Boxer or any other cute animal that doesn't have much of a face. We settled on either him giving in or me giving in on what kind of a dog we would end up with. The only dog we could agree upon was a Boston Terrier. Who knew that Boston's are hard to find here in Boise, Id. I looked and looked and looked only to be met with the fact that we were going to have to go to Portland to pick up dog and pay 1000 dollars for a pet. 

   I was on craigs list the day after x-mass and there at the top of the list was two year old Stella. There wasn't much to the add other than saying that she may or may not like little ones under 6. We took a chance and bought her the same day. Turns out she is wonderful with everyone including babies. She has so much personality; you can always tell when she is upset, playful, tired or just plain mad at you. Her eyes are very expressive and she seems to know how to tell you what she wants. Other than hating the cold she seems to be just fine. 

    I have always been a pet person. I have loved having a pet to comfort me when I am down or sick. Something about a friend that can not talk back makes me feel wonderful. The endless love you recieve and get to give makes it all worth it. (even the occiational messes) She has made this house really feel like my own home.  I was having trouble feeling connected to my new house. I could not seem to find my "spot". I was feeling very out of place, nervous, and unsure. Stella came home and I think we made this place our home together. She is my house sidekick! I love her to pieces. 

 

Making a home.

  

  I have never been your Betty Crocker type of girl; I have always been your cocktail kind of girl. I have never thought of myself in a little house with a wrap around porch and a white picket fence. I have found my own personal white picket fence.
    I find myself in the kitchen cooking away often. I have looked up more reciepes in the last month than in a lifetime. Not to mention I have enjoyed every moment of it. I cooked prime rib the other night so well that it could have come straight from the kitchen of some talented person. I found a piece of peace while rubbing down the prime-rib with salt and herbs. I was warmed by watching my family eat a meal that did not come from a box. I went to bed happy that I had provided a service to my family. Brought them together around a table for dinner. I found a sense of pride for being able to make dinner with out setting the house on fire. 
      I have been suffering from homebody syndrome as of lately. I feel completely content to work on my many projects happening around our home. I am sure part of this has to do with my melencoly feeling that has been trying to creep into my days. I am slowly mourning my friend and as always when one goes I tend to mourn them all. When you live a life where cancer is a large part of it. You seem to begin to have lots of friends who have cancer. So you can imagine when most of your friends have cancer you lose a few along the road. Most of the loses I have seen have come far to young; all of them have carried amazing stories of living to the grave. All of them have taught me about myself about love, nurturing, and about moments. People who are dying know how to experience moments; everyone should know how. (it feels wonderful to experience)
         I am watching Sean put together a shelf system to lay in the girls closet to organize their toys. He always looks amazing while he is working on anything. Concentrating and making ajustments. He may be the only man that is sexy in a flannel and torn jeans. It is in these moments when I don't know if he should be sexy that I feel the need to grab him. These are the moments when I look forward to crawling into bed and being held until the morning comes. 
        Have you ever heard old people speak of love? The generation that was married within thirty day and never got divorced? Have you ever talked of the moment they knew? I have spent lots of time with the older generation talking about courting; they always say the same thing. "I knew within days that I was going to be with that person forever. I committed to it and never let it go" None of them say it came with out hardships but, they all say they had known many before that moment and never picked until they found "it". Most of them were still in love up until the grave and after. I am lucky to have someone that makes me feel like forever should be a very long time. 
    

Brett.

   

 I met Brett Fafard at the American Cancer Society all night Rally 4 days after his diagnosis. He was standing in the grass with two friends just watching the crowds. I believe I may have approach him asking why he was there; He replied with the widest smile that he had just been diagnosed with prostate cancer. I remember thinking how young he look and yes he was young in age but, never in heart.
      I went to his sisters house to help shave his head for the first time before he started chemo. I never saw him shed a tear and he faced his battle with God in his heart and strength. He always was someone I looked up too.  Brett never complained about any treatment he ever did, and completely excepted his fate.
      He married a wonderful woman two months before his death. The strength and commitment that they shared was awe inspiring. You could see the loved they shared stream from every pore they had. They new that the fate of their relationship was grim but, couldn't even think of not sharing those last few months together as much as possible. Again, I looked up to Brett for having the strength to risk pain for himself and others. Again, Brett showed me what love was about.
     Brett was a wonderful man; who fought, loved, prayed, married, gave, and was a pillar of strength for many. I loved Brett. I will miss my wonderful friend. Rest in peace my friend.

Read Part of Brett Story Here http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/11/26/my-brother-has-two-months-to-live-why-he-got-married-last-wee/?a_dgi=aolshare_twitter

As a final wish he has asked people to make donations to Camp Kessem a camp for kids with a parent with cancer. Brett was heavily involved with Camp Kessem even before his cancer.   Donations may be made at any Wells Fargo, to the Brett Fafard Camp Kessem Memorial.



Hello to new wall and less wallpaper! Oh and some wiring.

   As I have recently confessed my house is in repair mode all over the place. It seems like every room I walk into has something going on that just needs a little more done to it. I have made it my job to get something done everyday. Luckily my wonderful parent had time to stop by today. My mother and I took a horrible ugly piece of wall paper down. (I hate being domestic by the way) My father and I tackled running 100 feet of wire through my attic to our bathroom re-model. Then my wonderful completely amazing handy father tapped my dry-wall.  All said and done that was my long ass day lots of re-modeling with lots of wonderful help.
    I am grateful for my amazing family who has stood by my side through life's choices good and bad. They are always in  my corner cheering me forward. Watching me grow and learn. They support me even when I fall short of what they believe I am capable of. I am lucky to have found a place in our relationship where we can share our lives as adults. I continue to have my horizons widened by their words and actions. It is strange how it takes years to realize how wise the older generation can truly be. 

Thanks Mom and Dad, I couldn't have gotten through the day without you.