Tuesday, January 11, 2011


(After the shaving process for the shower)


Feeling raw, exposed, and sometimes powerless in the face of cancer today. I know its just hair. I know I have been facing this for a long time now but, watching my hair fall to the ground made my heart sink. Made me feel alone again powerless to cancer. I would have never been able to believe that something you couldn't see would make you feel so defeated. Even though, I know I am  no more defeated today than I was yesterday and in reality I am taking control back with this experimental trail.  Watching Sean so carefully shave my head; making small gestures of encouragement about how "cute" my new non-hair was; was terrifying. Wondering if Sean would still find me cute, attractive, or anything after the last pieces of hair fell.
    It is strange to look at yourself and see a completely different person staring back. You are stripped of a piece of your idenity. It is part of how you see your self. How other view you. Everyone suddenly knows you have cancer. I have chosen to wear my hair really short in the past but, having to shave it is a different experience. It wasn't a fashion choice it was demoralizing. I feel naked in front of the world at my weakest point in some ways. Before I could always say... Hey, at least I still have my hair. Now not so sure what my line is going to be; maybe Hey, I am still alive? Doesn't have the same ring to it does it? I do not think I will be using it.  No tag line it is. 
    Today ran by pretty slowly. I had moments of feeling inpowered by my choices even bold in my new style. I went wig shopping today but, couldn't bring myself to spend 310 dollars on a wig. Am I really that vain? I have never felt vain before. Do I need a wig to feel pretty? I am not sure today. I ran away from the door bell when it rang today because I didn't want one of the kids friends to see me with out hair. Dakota and Corbynn both expressed a wish for me to go find a wig. 
Corbynn "Okay mom, when are you going to put a wig on? You're looking pretty silly."
Me " Do I really need a wig?"
Corbynn "I think you might scare people"
Me "okay"

An hour later Koda gets home from school.

Dakota " mom your hair is gone" 
Me " yep, new day new doo"
Dakota " It looks nice"
Me " Really!?" hopeful smile
Dakota "no not really mom sorry I still love you though"

My heart dropped through the floor. I know I have been talking a lot about honesty over the last few weeks but, maybe I need to talk more about being considerate of others. 

I am surprised at how attached I am to my hair.
I am surprised at how real cancer feels again. 
I am scared to have people see me so vulnerable. 
I am humbled. 
I am nervous. 
I am hopeful that this will lead to a result.
I am afraid it won't again.
I am proud to be me still.
I want to feel sexy again. (I know, but fuck give me a break)
I need to find someone that shapes eyebrows amazingly because mine needs some work.
I am excited to be able to recreate "me" again.
I am in love.

Sean in actrion
Sean in action

Trying to get my hair  cleaned up a bit.

Mom doing the finished touches

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