Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I went and recieved my weekly brain microwaving this morning bright and early. So, if this post is a little off it is because I am a little of this morning. My brain is more like a scrambled egg than a functioning piece of tissue. I am shaky and every time I move it feels jerky. I am not sure why but, that is what is going on today. However, I received the best news I have received since starting this cancer adventure. I had a 15% REDUCTION in my brain tumor. This by no mean means that I am out of the woods but, it means that yes this brain tumor is responding to treatment for the first time in three years.
I don't know if I can express in words how I feel today. I can continue to dream about my future with out it being completely out of reach. I can plan trips for next year not just next month. I can imagine re-doing my kitchen in five years. I can talk to Sean about our investment plans. I can being to start re-building my in hopes that I will continue to have one. This is something that most people take for granted the right to plan. I haven't been able to plan anything in years and I am gratefully for the chance. I am grateful that I have a chance at seeing my kids grow. I am grateful that I may have more time to impact the world. I am grateful that I may be able to use my schooling to help other people. I am a blessed to have this opportunity to live out my life.
I feel in awe right now. I know that is still new and there are many risks still. That this treatment is dangerous; it is unknown and the brain is a scary place to mess around with. We still know very little about our brains so anything that you do there comes with risk. I know that doing this treatment could end my life but, the rewards of doing this treatment for out way my fear. I admit that I wake up very early on treatment days and give positive affirmations to myself trying to brush away my fear of going in. I have to force myself out of bed hugging everyone very hard before I leave; just in case I don't make it home. Just in case I have a seizure and never return to my normal state. I know the risks, but the hope of a chance out ways my fear. I will die with out treatment I know this. I am lucky to be eligible for this treatment. I am lucky to have met all the requirements to be in this trail.
I am babbling and too tired to continue. I leave you now.
I am blessed, grateful, all is well in my world.